Pulled my son from mainstream today.

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Thanks, AsianMom!

Only four more days of school this year.

BeeBee

Can I ask your advice Bee Bee? And anyone else who may be able to help me?

My youngest son is having the exact same social problems, some of which are beginning to affect his physical health also.

He struggles each day to 'fit in' and most days comes home looking so forlorn. He won't admit to me what is going on but from what his brother tells me etc he is slouching around school in what he thinks is a cool kind of swagger (although more like a duck), his brother says that the other kids call him 'wierd' as he looks as though he is going around looking for trouble. I know he is trying to look cool, because he pulls the same pose when I am taking pictures of the family. He hunches over and kind of scowls. This is making his scoliosis worse.

When I try to tell him kindly that this doesn't quite have the effect he thinks it does, he says, "It's alright mum, my friends know what I mean, It's fine!"
He has obviously seen this on the telly or somewhere and is trying to mimic it, though without great success. He also mimics any funny comments or jokes he hears. He spends ages going through joke books to impress other kids. The thing is he doesn't monitor the conversation he is entering before he tells his joke or says his newest cool saying. Invariably he usually ends up being snubbed because either the joke or comment in relation to the current conversation is either completely off topic or inapropriate, so that the other kids will be like, "well what's that got to do with it?" Or it will be in poor taste because the topic of conversation has been about a tragic situation and S has come into the conversation with something like, "That's pretty cool what your saying" (whilst standing in his pose and trying to act nonchalant.)

He tries to laugh off the rejection but this only serves to make the others push him away with more vigour. He gets terribly hurt. He comes home and disappears to his room, turns on the telly and we don't see him for ages, until he wants to go onto the PC and try and speak to a boy at school, (who isn't very nice and I think uses S's kind nature to his own advantage at times.)

I got very worried after J told me that his brother had spent a lunchtime at school with him and his mates. He said that was okay but when the boy S calls his best friend came round the corner with his little gang of followers, S hid in the house rooms and didn't come out again till they had passed.

I asked S if they had fallen out and he said no but something was going on. They seem to have made up now though. It just seems that S is making more of this friendship than is actually the case. Like J asked S who his best friend's girlfriend was and he didn't know (isn't that the sort of thing a best friend would know?)

His real best friend seems to be Bob, who is S's pillow. Just an ordinary pillow on his bed. He writes to him, talks to him, refer's to conversations had with Bob and even talks to others as though he is a real person. He knows he isn't though he wouldn't talk to me about him as long as I referred to Bob as a pillow. Now I play along and refer to 'him' as Bob. S seems happier with this now and is more inclined to share his little imaginary world around Bob. J has played along from the beginning it seems and isn't phased in the slightest about conversations about Bob, he even joins in with his imaginary stories. J almost sometimes seems jealous that S has found someone he can talk to and relate to.

The thing that worries me about this is that S is now 12 yrs, nearly 13 yrs and yet this thing with Bob isn't going away. He also keeps saying things like, "I'm evil", he relishes anything dark or creepy (which makes others more averse to him), he has always had a massive obsession with the playstation but now he obsesses about the war or fighting games. His converations are punctuated with comments about "what could happen if a tank tried to blow up a certain colourless building in Washington", and describing certain types of guns. Only in relation to playstation games you understand, because he is the most placid child I have ever known, even next to his big brother who is very sensitive. He detests any form of violence or argument. It is the factual information, technical information side of things not the effect (at least not outside the game itself). We have insisted on a break from this type of game and his obsession has lessened somewhat in this area but I still worry. But he just doesn't understand it when I say that in the current political climate, comments like that are very inapropriate, he just doesn't understand at all.

Since he started meds for his diagnosed ADHD he seems to be more into this little fantasy world with Bob etc. I discovered AS whilst talking to someone on adders.org whose child also has AS. They said that their child's AS symptoms became worse on meds for ADHD.

The more I read about AS, the more convinced I am that this has been the cause of both of my children's difficulties.

Sorry I am getting to the point now. How can I get the type of help for my son with regards to his social difficulties without a diagnosis? I am going to speak to his dr in July but what about in the meantime?

Any advice would be wonderful, thanks for listening. Sorry to put all this in answer to your post Bee Bee, I perhaps should have started a new post but I felt that your post had already highlighted the thing most worrysome to me at present.

Thanks in advance to all.

Gentle hugs to you and your sons, Cybermermaid. It breaks a mom's heart to see a child struggle.

It certainly sounds more like ASD than ADHD but, of course, I'm not a doctor at all. S sounds very much like my D. Even down to the computer "friend" who is really just using him.

My older son had an interest in violence. As you said, it was in a very acedemic way. It did get him in trouble. He actually had to go in front of a judge and explain what he had said. (Actually the lawyer we hired talked to the judge. J stood there and nodded.) J though, then did understand that he just could not talk about that stuff anymore. D, though, wouldn't *get* that. His topic of interest is his IQ. Doesn't make him popular but perhaps is a safer topic.

I'm stuck as to what to do for D this summer too. He's spend all day inside with his computer and TV. He needs to get into an accepting group! We tried the Boy Scouts and that worked for a year. He refused to sign up again though. Finally his doctor said if D refused to work with me on picking an activity, pick two and let him decide. Even if he refused to partipate, bring him there. I have very mixed feelings on this. He needs the interaction but if he doesn't particpate and it ends up destroying our relationship, what good had that done? Forcing him became a moot point however. This is very controvosial but we started him on an antidepressant for his social anxiety. This is the only meds he is on. They really seemed to help. After being on them for two weeks I told him it was time to pick an outside activity. On his own he joined a junior "Warhammer" group that meets once a week. Warhammers are tiny little playing pieces in the shape of monsters. Once a week they meet at a craft/game store that has supervised play there...its a war game. They play war games. Ugh. The down side is...its a war game. The upside is its five nice little geeks who are closely supervised. D doesn't stand out at all.

Two other things I've done is to get D a pet and allowed computer time to be on role playing games. I don't know if this is good or bad. My thoughts are that the rodents give D some responsiblities (although I do have to remind him to feed them and I help clean them) and something alive to connect to. D didn't name it but he had a close connection to a blankie. As you said, a little hard when he's 12. The roleplaying games he's currently active in is Runescape. Its a superfacial connection to people but it least its a start.

Please do let me know if you find any good ideas! I'm all ears.

I hope the small classroom works for him next year. Its hard to see how it could be worse than this last year.

BeeBee

Hi Bee Bee,

I'm glad things are looking better for D. I hope the meds + warhammer club serve him well for a long time to come.

S continues to talk on Msn with his friend, and this makes him happy if nothing else. Half of me is relieved that he has found a friend that is not an inanimate object, yet the other half can see that this boy is using him to do a lot of his dirty work.

S copies him all the time, for example he told me last night that he was going to ask if he could go onto voluntary report at school. He recently had a behavioural review in SEN and they highlighted a few comments from his teachers about his not sitting still etc.

I had no qualms about this until he mentioned that his 'friend' was also on voluntary report too. This now makes me wonder if he has instigated this bad behaviour so as to 'fit in' with this other boy. Because he takes Ritalin for his hyperactivity etc and it has worked wonders until recently.

The school is partly to blame too. They are absolutely hopeless. Two months ago he had the results from his Connor's questionnaire, which showed high levels of ADHD in hyperactivity and inattention. He then started medication. One month ago I attended parents evening, and ALL his teachers said he was doing wonderfully well, although they were worried by his withdrawn behaviour caused by the medication. We reduced the Ritalin dosage. I asked the school for a copy of their SEN Policy, and the same day S is taken to the SEN offices and given another behavioural review???????

Have you ever seen that advert on the telly where a man shouts very loudly, 'CONFUSED.COM'. That is how I feel at the moment.

Anyway thanks for the advice, it really helps to know I am not alone in my worries for our children. Sometimes I feel as though others (family, doctors etc) are looking at me as though I am making something out of nothing. Do you know what I mean?

Thanks again, I hope all is well with your family.