find it really difficult to think of myself as a man

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I'm gay (although i sometimes fool around with women) and 21 but find it really weird to think of myself as a man. I guess I identify as masculine-of center but still genderqueer. In a way, i still feel more like a boy than a man, and i can't really imagine ever just being a man if that makes sense. It's not a fetish thing, like i dont want to wear diapers or call someone dad or anything. I usually identify most with some of the lesbians i meet. It's not really something i feel bad about, because frankly, most of the men (especially straight men) i've met have been idiots and also as*holes.

I think I can relate to that. I think it's mostly because of how grown-up men are supposed to be socially. I don't feel I belong to this group of people (men). I don't feel bad about that, either. Not that I feel like a woman or anything.

As long as you are happy with the way you are, it's all good.

I don't really mind being male, because I honestly don't understand women that well, but I don't like how society pressures males to be all "tough" and "grown up" and masculine and all that BS. Really, if my physical appearance could better reflect what I'm like on the inside, I'd probably look more androgynous, or maybe even slightly feminine. Instead of looking like a "manly man" with a beard and stuff, I'd rather look like a waifish emo kid.

It's a weird thing, I find feminine characteristics to be appealing and aesthetically pleasing, yet I have trouble actually understanding females, mainly because I'm not one myself.

Now, I don't hate necessarily masculinity, and in fact one of my favorite actors is Clint Eastwood, easily one of the "manliest" guys EVER, but I find that I much prefer the old-fashioned "gentleman" brand of masculinity to the new "dudebro" brand of masculinity, if that makes any sense.

Where the heck am I going with this? I'm fine with being male, and I find women attractive, but I wish I were free to have a more androgynous appearance.

I like looking like a man, though I enjoy looking at women very much.