Recent severe depression

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I've been on many different antidepressants over the years. My psychiatrists have said they don't work because I don't put any effort into helping fix myself. If I could do that, I wouldn't be depressed. I'm currently on generic versions of Lexapro and Wellbutrin.

I just had another bad weekend. I didn't get out of bed yesterday (Saturday). I didn't eat anything from Friday lunch until Sunday lunch. My whole body is sore from lying down so much.

My dysphoria is paralyzing. Anything at all that reminds me of my gender makes me break down into tears. All I can do is lie here and cry until work distracts me tomorrow morning. But really, I'm waiting until I can talk to my therapist again. My week revolves around talking to her, since I have nowhere else to go and no one else to talk to.

I am also feeling severe depression at this moment. I blame myself for my problems. but im not sure if thats correct or not. this may not answer your post, but talking to others about similar pain is somewhat helpful. I have been addicted to weed for about 3 years now. I think it has driven my friends away and has prevented me from making any new ones. i feel so horrible that i destroyed my life. i dont think i destroyed it with the drug, i destroyed it by being autistic and depressed. I dont think this will ever get any better. I have no idea what to do. I really want to kill myself, but i dont think i can. i always blame myself because it seems strange that anything that happens in my life has anything to do with anyone's interference. i feel like the only solution to my unhappiness is death. but its so far away. i wish there was something else to save us.