I wish were anorexic

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Yes, I know how stupid that statement is. I know it's a potentially lethal mental disorder. I know what you're going to say about it all, and you're right, but please, just hear me out anyway.

I'm having a rough year. I've dealt with mental illness to some small extent for much of my life, and in particular high school has been difficult. But this year has been a nightmare. Asperger's is making school feel like such a struggle, I feel so lonely, I've been struggling with my gender identity a lot (I'm AMAB, but Rachel is the name I think I would like to be called if I can ever summon up the courage to transition), one of my friends is self-harming, and when I told people about it to try and get her help I kicked up a whole lot of trouble. I've been struggling with loneliness and fractures social groups. My life sometimes makes me feel like nothing more than a walking corpse. And in the middle of all this, it feels like I've picked up the beginnings of an eating disorder.

I'm always trying to stop myself from eating, swearing that I won't eat until I have to. Trying to think about kilojoules and exercising more and all that. But I seem to end up caving eventually. Often I can do okay towards the start of the day, but I tend to snack when I get home from school. I feel trapped in this aggressive cycle of trying to restrict and guilt. I don't really feel like I'm that fat (I want to be thinner, but I'm not really that bad), which I guess I strange, but since my world started to fall apart it's just seemed like something I should do. I do have body image issues, but that's more to do with gender dysphoria than my weight. I think I picked up some of it from my friend who's also struggling. All I know is that this has been driving me crazy for months.

I wish I had the willpower to avoid food. I know, I know, but I'm just telling you how I'm feeling. It doesn't help the cycle of negative thoughts and self hatred that all too easily occupies my brain, feeling like I'm so weak and impulsive. So please, please, how can I break out of this cycle of guilt and anxiety, one way or another? I would ask for how I can stop eating, but you wouldn't tell me, so I don't see the point.

Please help,
Rachel

Hi Rachel, I'm a Rachel too , and I am anorexic, or somewhere in that area.

I won't tell you how to stop yourself from eating because it does all kinds of damage, but I do understand the feeling of trying and wanting to develop an eating disorder. I tried to become bulimic at one stage but I couldn't do it, I hate throwing up too much and it seemed a bit too deliberate an act if that makes sense; like anorexia is passive - I just don't eat - but bulimia was an active choice.

If your body image issues aren't the root cause of your developing an eating disorder, then a desire for control is probably it. It sounds like you've had a really tough time recently, with a lot of things out of your control. A big part of my anorexia is a desire to be in total control of something, and it may be the same way for you. It takes a lot of willpower to abstain from food, so when you succeed in doing so it does feel like you've accomplished something. On a logical level I know it's very wrong, but on an emotional level it can sometimes feel like a victory of sorts: it makes me feel strong.

I want to offer some advice or something but I don't know if I'm in a position to do so. I can relate to some of what you're feeling though so if you want to talk/ask any questions then I'm here.

What feels more self-destructive to you: wanting to be anorexic in spite of the risks, or the guilt you feel for 'failing' at anorexia? In my experience it's self-loathing all round, I just wonder which desire is stronger for you: to be anorexic or to not want to be.

I don't know if I fully understood what you're saying, but from what I read I got that you want to be thinner and you feel guilty because you feel you can't stop eating (correct me if I'm wrong).

As a person who suffers from self-image issues myself, I would suggest you try to approach this problem rationally, as if you were observing yourself from the outside (I know it's hard, but you can try). Now, I don't know your body type or your weight, so I might be wrong on this, but are you really in need of losing weight as you think you are? I mean, do you ever have people tell you stuff like "you're fine", "you're not fat", etc.? People tell me that all the time, whenever I end up into a self-body hate phase.

In case you have to lose weight but don't feel like exercicing/don't have the time for it, you could try something easier and that you could do on an almost daily basis. For example, how many days a week you walk for at least 30 minutes? I've lost weight solely by walking, it might sound weird, but as far as I heard this works for most people, and according to someone it's even more effective than running, if your goal is losing weight and not building up muscles. I'm pretty much forced to walk a lot at least three times a week to get to university, I don't know your situation, but I guess you too are forced to go on foot, at least sometimes.
Another strategy I heard is eating small, frequent meals instead of having a few full, big meals, but I've never tried it so I wouldn't know.


Hope I helped you at least a bit, and that you can get past your issues soon...

Thanks for your advice, guys. I'm not sure how much it'll help, but just being able to talk to other people and vent some frustrations makes me feel a little better. I feel like I've been sort of okay with my sort-of eating disorder lately. I guess it comes and goes.

Thanks for your replies,
Rachel