How long before people stopped pretending you were okay?

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I don't think people ever thought I was okay. Even before I was born, supposedly people thought there would be something wrong with me because my biological mother was mentally challenged. People started to realize I was okay, when I started insisting people treat me like a human being...an ADULT human being.

I remember being a young child and having one grandmother and several uncles vocalize things about me like 'what's wrong with that kid?'. I'm not sure anyone ever thought I was okay, but no one knew what was off about me... just that I was clearly not like other kids.

Nobody ever thought I was neurotypical, but everybody kind of ignored my mental issues or said "it's PMS, get over it" or "she's just going through her emo phase" until I literally went to the school counselor in high school and said "I want to kill myself."

That's what it took for them to figure out that I *might* have severe depression.

My parents thought, in my early years, before I began school, that I was a smart and social little girl. However, my kindergarten teacher saw something was off right away. She said I was "hyperactive" and couldn't learn anything because I came from an ESL background.

One year later, in first grade, I was reading at a fourth grade level-in English. Sounds like a happily ever after ending and I was on my way to a great life. Not so fast!

While my grades continued to be good throughout my schooling, culminating in a Master's Degree in English, my social skills were not good. I never had any of the social things others took for granted. I didn't get my first job until I was 29, never really dated and only got my driver's license at age 48. That has opened up a whole new world for me, but I still don't see myself falling in love, dating or getting married. I am reminded of the story, The Kid, where he says, "I'm a dogless, chickless, loser." I'm the female version, "A manless, catless (well only one cat left now) loser." When I think about it, it kills my enjoyment of life, temporarily. I'm not really a loser now because my opportunities have expanded greatly since getting my license.

Nobody has told me about autism/Asperger's, but my experiences in life, combined with what I've read, seem to confirm it to me. I feel it mostly when I do something stupid or have forgetful moments. I'm too young to call them "senior moments." Other people think of me as mostly all right, but I have a sinking feeling I am not entirely okay.

Late twenties, due to executive dysfunction and challenges presented on the job (despite good intellect), and an inability to relate well to others via typical friendship means and the like (bad at reading social cues, etc.). Folks started to figure out that perhaps there really was more to it than just me being a total geek, eccentric, shy, etc. After getting diagnosed two years ago, I now try to tell people who will have substantial interaction with me for whatever reasons (job, church functions, etc.) that I am autistic. It helps them be less surprised at my numerous quirks, and they realize they have to communicate to me in a way different from the usual "generic" Western cultural woman stereotype.

They're still pretending.

Thus, when I do a good job of pretending, I'm "fine."

And when I fail at pretending, well, I'm a really bad person.

They're still pretending, so I still have to. Except my dad's sister and one friend, all the people who knew how I am and understood are dead.

I'll be pretending until I decide that companionship is no longer worth the effort, or until I can't any more and the remaining people toss me out.

Such is life.