When one person wants sex and the other one doesn't

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I'm a lesbian and I've been with my partner for about 17 years. We've both had a lot of mental health issues the past couple years (depression, plus she's bipolar type 2). We haven't had a very active sex life for most of our relationship, except for the early years. Lately she will want to have sex just to make herself feel better. Most of the time I don't want to be touched, but if she starts off slow sometimes I can be put in the mood for sex (yesterday, for instance). But many times I will tell her I'm not in the mood and not in the mood to try to get in the mood, and she won't take no for an answer. She'll come over to me and try to kiss me and touch me, etc, and I feel like she is trying to force me to do something I don't want to do. She never actually HAS forced me, but damn I feel like I am fighting her off sometimes, almost literally, though there has never been any actual violence between us. I feel disrespected and kind of violated. It's like when she gets horny her ears and brain don't work anymore. I have tried to talk to her about it but messages aren't getting through for whatever reason. I dont know if maybe I'm not communicating well. Does anybody have any advice? Am I doing something wrong? Am I making too big a deal out of it?

she's not respecting your boundaries. does she seem to respect your wishes in general? i would feel violated, too, if i were you.

Thank you both for confirming for me that I am not wrong in my feelings. My partner was abused multiple times as a young child and I honestly don't think she understands sexual boundaries, because hers were violated so early and often that the concept never developed. This has only been an issue the last few months. She's in therapy working on the trauma she experienced. Things are constantly changing. I really pissed her off tonight. I'm kind of worried.

Cathylynn, to answer your question, she defers to me about almost everything else.

You are certainly not wrong in your feelings, but you two have a major issue to address. Sex is part of marriage, and the promise of fidelity that the two of you made to each other (whether expressly in a marriage or commitment ceremony, or by implication when you started living together) was predicated on the idea that you would be sexual partners as well as life partners.

Now that does not mean you can't say, "No." You are perfectly entitled to refuse sex any time and all the time.

But (and there's always a "but," isn't there?) when you refuse sex on an ongoing basis, you need to recognize that you are imposing your sex drive onto your partner. So, what kind of sexual outlet are you comfortable providing to your partner? Are you comfortable opening up your relationship? If so, how much?

Sex can be a deal-breaker. I sincerely hope that you and your partner can communicate a compromise between your differing needs.

You mentioned she's bipolar so I'm guessing she's probably on medication. Perhaps her medication could be causing her to be more horny. Were her meds changed before she started getting more aggressive? Even if it's unrelated to her meds it still might help to have her talk to her doc because her meds might could be changed to meds that have side-effects of decreasing her drive or her hormones might could be out of wack due to meds or something else

New here folks, good topic.

For the sake of playing Devil's Advocate, I have an insane sex drive, and I think romantic sex between partners is an AMAZING thing. Foreplay, in particular, is what makes it great. Honestly, if I never had sex in my relationship, I wouldn't currently be in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with sex, the Sexual Revolution should have taught everyone that.

That said, boundaries need to exist. My current partner isn't a huge fan of sex, so I've learned to temper my expectations and learn "when and where." Luckily, I fell in love with her long before we had sex for the first time, because she's fantastic.

As someone with Asperger's, learning body language cues in sex has been hard. But generally, bad body language will deactivate me when I'm trying to initiate. If she said no, I would immediately stop, of course, but sometimes I still pout (I'm not perfect, haha).

Has she tried masturbation? That's been the cure for hundreds of years, I would assume, when the partner isn't interested.