Feeling alienated from other females with HFA/Asperger's

Post Reply New Topic

Then don't waste time replying to silly threads, chook J/k--your project sounds terrific! Care to elaborate? (If not, however, I won't be offended. I appreciate some things have to be kept under wraps.)




And here I am, taking weeks to reply to you. I'm sure there's some irony in there somewhere .

Btw, maybe it's because I'm a complete oddball myself, but I've never had a problem with intense people. It shows you have a passionate interest, something of substance. Rather that than the frankly ludicrous, throwaway smalltalk most people prefer to engage in.. (Although if you're fine with that, too, that's fine; I'm not, because I've never understood it, much less ever been able to master it, despite decades of trying. It's another of those things other females on the spectrum seem to have perfected, leaving me bewildered how they all--you all--do it.)












The grass isn't greener in all respects, but I certainly prefer the weather, scenery, and food in Australia. In the first world at least, everything seems better with sun--even the mullets. Just praying the property market slows down before I get there, and provided they even rent to migrants, lol!

Fingers x'd I'll be eligible for Medicare. I'll be utterly up didgeri-doodoo creak otherwise.

When I hear "rural town" I think "Population: Humans: 15k. Population: Gigantic Poisonous Spiders: 20million." I need to toughen up.

Not sure how to jump in here, but I got to try. I feel this way for my daughter. She attends an adult aspie night once a month with games and pizza. There are about 4 females and about 12 males. My daughter is 21 next month. All of the attendees are so social, into gaming, film, trivia and gaming cards etc. I am wondering how the females got to be so social. One of them has a job delivering take out to peoples homes and lives on her own, independently. I feel the alienation for my daughter. She has been going to this night for 2 and half years and still is very very timid and no one can hear her when she has to ask questions in games etc. One guy said last time, that she is too quiet an inaudible. She stands out from the others when it comes to the social interactions. I doubt the others diagnoses, not really but if they are struggling, I dont see it. Its a smack in the heart when there are prejudices against my daughter even amongst other people on the autism spectrum and had it spewed over us. Sorry for the explosion of words. I am struggling to express the thoughts and write them fluently. My daughter is supposedly high functioning, but her social anxiety with it makes is so damn hard for her.

Hi leiselmum. Offering you and your daughter a hug, if you'll accept one.

There is nothing to apologize for; you're entitled to your feelings just like everyone else. It's odd you mention adult Aspie group problems, because very similar things have happened to me when I've attended such groups (extremely sorry to bring this back to me again. I appreciate I might seem pretty self-centered and rude.).

Social anxiety is a significant issue for me, too, leading me to either go overboard with chattiness, or become close to mute. Most of the other young women who attended the groups, or one-off events in some cases, were like you mentioned, and those that weren't didn't generally stick around, which is understandable. I thought that if I only persevered, things might work out, but they didn't. The majority got along, and I felt more or less excluded--not bullied exactly (at least not overtly, or anything that I picked up on), but due to the stark difference between us they naturally gravitated towards each other and away from me, despite my best efforts to fit in with them.

The groups and events were absolute gut punches, because these were supposed to be "my own kind". I was already in a minority (female autistics) of a minority (autistic), and, perhaps naively, with each new one I joined or attended, I hoped this would engender compassion. Although a shared diagnosis doesn't necessarily equate to comraderie, and most groups will have their outsiders, it feels worse within more exclusive groups, even if the exclusion isn't deliberate.

I think one of the problems may be that most people, NT and autistic alike (in this case), are generally ill-equipped to deal with anyone who is socially anxious. I can't presume to speak for the other members of your daughter's group; however, I'll wager that for people in general who might not mean to be discriminatory, but keep their distance, might do so because they don't know how to behave around someone who appears shy. They might be afraid they'll upset the person. There's also the possibility they're so wrapped up in their own lives, which is natural if theirs is a busy one, that anyone who is quiet and unassuming simply fliues under their radar--it's less a matter of discrimination than simply not noticing that person and realising a little kindness in that person's direction could work wonders.

I wish I could offer you some advice. The only thing I can say is that your daughter is still young, so there's plenty of opportunity for change whilst her brain is still malleable. At the risk of stating the obvious, have you sought counseling for her SA? Depending where you are, there are some excellent autism-special therapists. Finding the right counselor can make a world of difference. There are also online places (PM me and I can recommend one--and no, I'm not making commission from it ) What about animal therapy? Some shelters have programs allowing people to pet their animals or walk their dogs. Is that something she'd go for? I hope some of what I've said is remotely useful.

OT, talking to myself aloud: Certified idiot right here. I only found out today Antipodean means the other side of the world from wherever someone is. I thought it meant the Southern Hemisphere. Moral of this story: always check your facts, kids!

Hi, agwhanooo Thankyou for your swift and timely reply. I on the other hand have big trouble trying to sum up what I need and want to write so can take eons to do so. Thanks for the hugs, one back at ya. I suspect time shift is maybe 15 or so hours either way. I’m in Australia.

I’ve not thought you rude or self centred at all. I appreciate your ability to say how you feel fluently. I’ve not come across anyone that has this same struggle as yourself, so you talking about yourself is welcome and helps me understand my daughter .


You are in touch with your struggle. Something my daughter doesn’t seem to know how to express. Its me that struggles for her. I’m not getting any younger and I really want her to be independant someday. She is too reliant on me socially and as yet I cant leave her at the pizza/game night on her own.

There has been one chap more than double her age that has asked on more than one occasion for her to go out with him. She just seizes even more so and burns the back of my head with her eyes to rescue her. Of course he doesnt see her body language he is on the spectrum too.

The woman who co ordinates and runs this night, tried to tutor my daughter weekly for 12 months in a social skills program. It was not a successful outcome. This woman has only base level qualifications and now . She has too alienated my daughter, which really hurts as I thought being with people on the autism spectrum would be of a compassionate nature.

No, she is just ill informed. Maybe she should accept her program for what ever reason just didn’t fit with her. I probably would say she doesn’t understand that cliche I keep hearing which I firmly believe. When you’ve met one person with autism spectrum disorder, you ve only met one of them. We dont all go in one box.

Her son on the autism spectrum is loud, social, comfortable with others but if you’re talking leggo and pokemon. He also keeps asking my daughter for them to ‘hang’ out. They hardly talk together, he tries, but hits dead ends with her.

Its a real low, when there is judgement even in this situation, a group of adults on the autism spectrum and my daughter doesnt fit here.

You speak with great insight, but do understand your struggle. With some people I cant help but ask myself, are they really on the autism spectrum? How is this even possible? only understanding this from seeing the struggles of my daughter and how she is not employable, or never having had a boyfriend or even any gal pals no outside life and just being in isolation at home in her room.

We have been down the route of psychologist appointments 6 years on and off, I dont think she likes them, because its talk therapy. She has problems with expressing what she likes and what her thoughts are.
She attended equine therapy, where they pat and groom the horses with a mindfulness approach to anxiety and panic.

She is always concerned about making mistakes and getting things wrong and displeasing others and what they think of her and the social side of life is just a puzzle for her.

I could go on but I'll stop myself

I call BS on a lot of these HF posers.....don't take any of them to heart. No impairments-no autism.

HistoryGal What are you inferring here?

Oh boy. You sound exactly like me. It’s a bit of an uphill battle, isn’t it? I find myself back at the bottom of the hill all the time.

Most of the time I feel like an 11 year old in an adult’s body.