Difficult individual in friend group - any advice?

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Hey guys, I'm posting here for the first time since high school because I've run into a bit of a problem and would like your advice.

My main friend group right now consists of mostly other autistic people like myself. One of the guys in our friend group, "Brian" (an autistic person), is really abrasive and difficult to deal with, and generally comes across as an ass most of the time. For example:

• Brian has very strong and very niche special interests. Nothing wrong with that, we're all autistic so we're all the same way, only of course with different specific interests. The problem is, he can be a little combative about his interests. When he tells myself or our other people about a video game or fanfiction (his two most common interests) he's interested in or posts a youtube video about something he likes in our group chat, he seems to expect that we will have read/watched/played whatever he talked about the next time we see him, and he will get mad at us if we haven't, despite the fact that most of my friends aren't very interested in video games in general and those of us that are (such as myself) don't really have the time or money to spend on the ones he normally plays.
  
• Brian has a bit of a temper on him and he can be very rude. For example, last week, we went to dinner at a fancier Italian place at the local mall, something special that we normally don't do because of money/logistical concerns. Our food took a little bit longer than usual to get to our table because the restaurant was busy, and every time someone brought up how long the food was taking, Brian would indignantly remind us how he wanted to go to the food court for dinner, and how we could have been eating by now if we went with his idea, despite the fact that everyone else wanted to go to the fancy place.. The food ended up being well worth the wait (even Brian agreed) and much better than whatever cheap food we would have gotten at the food court.
  
• In addition to having very specific interests, there are a lot of things that Brian hates with a burning passion. The best example I can think of is the Cartoon Network show Teen Titans Go, which Brian absolutely loathes. Any mention of it will send him into a rant about how Teen Titans Go sucks, how the original Teen Titans was much better, and how it is "part of a conspiracy to make everyone in America dumber" (direct quote from him). I'm not a fan of the show either but he takes it to an unhealthy degree.
  
• As another example of something that happened personally to me, Brian and I were supposed to go see Avengers: Infinity War some time back, and I ended up having to cancel the day we were going to go because something went wrong with the water main at my house, and my family and I were too busy trying to fix it to be able to get me to the theater in time. Brian is still pissed off at me about not informing him beforehand that I wouldn't be able to make it, despite the fact that 1. I did text him about it before we were going to see the movie, it wasn't like I told him I was going to be there and didn't show; 2. I had no control over what happened with my water main; and 3. this happened over 6 weeks ago.
  
• Finally, one of the people in our friend group is a very pleasant and reasonably attractive autistic woman, and as such, she is no stranger to emotionally immature men (autistic and otherwise) becoming infatuated with her to stalker-y levels. Brian is no exception to this, and when we get together, he sometimes tends to hover around this girl, making her very uncomfortable.

As a result of this behavior, a lot of other people in my friend group have suggested that we exclude Brian from our get togethers. While I definitely understand why they don't want to hang around him, I feel bad about excluding another person, especially an autistic person, from our group, especially considering that the rest of us, as autistic people, have been excluded by other people our entire lives. Maybe this is a little naive on my part, but I get the feeling that a lot of his problems are caused by a lack of social skills compared to the rest of the group (he reminds me in some ways about how I used to be when I was younger and more cringe-worthy, which is funny because he's two years older than me. go figure), and that he doesn't have any friends outside of us. I'm a bit closer to him than the other people in my friend group due to the fact that I've spent more time with him just the two of us, and that we have a few common interests, so I feel that maybe if I can sit down and talk to him about what he's doing and how it negatively affects other people, and if he spends more time interacting with us as a group, then maybe he'll be less of a jerk. The problem is, I really don't know how to approach him about the things he's doing wrong.

What do you guys think? Is Brian a lost cause or do you think my friends and I can get him to fix his attitude?

Happy I don't have to deal with this crap anymore.

Set boundaries. Take care of yourself. Don't be afraid to say no.

It sounds as if, before writing Brian off, you want to try to talk things over with him. Given how unreasonable he was about you missing that movie, naturally you're nervous about trying anything like this.

Try the "I" statement approach. "Brian, when you get upset that none of us have watched/played that movie/game you like so much, that makes me feel defensive. I have my own interests, and I feel you are blaming me for not sharing yours. Can you understand that?"

That might be hard for you to do, and it might be futile. The only other thing I can suggest is offering him a book that you, yourself, found very helpful in learning social rules, if any such book exists.

I would do either of these things without other people present, so there is less need for him to save face.

But I'll be honest, I probably wouldn't be the one to try this. I would chicken out. I only suggest these things because you seem to want to be fair to Brian before ostracizing him.

Thank you very much for the advice.

I'm not a very confrontational person normally, and due to having autism it is a little difficult for me to recognize when people like Brian are acting inappropriately and how to exactly to approach them about it. In fact, before I talked to the other members in the group and realized how unreasonable he was really being, I sort of felt like I was the as*hole for not partaking in his interests, because he would get so upset when I didn't!

Unfortunately there's no one single book or other resource that I could give him that helped me learn to be more socially successful. It was a combination of a few social skills groups that I attended as a kid (which were really meant more for kids than adults like Brian) and, quite simply, getting out into the real world and interacting with other people-particularly attending and graduating from college, something which I realize might not be feasible for him. This is why I think he will improve by interacting with people-because he reminds me to an extent of how I used to be, and that is what helped me grow out of those behaviors.

I do like the "When you do X, I feel Y because Z" approach, I think that gets to the root of the problem without saying something like "You're annoying and terrible and nobody wants you around", especially because Brian does seem to genuinely enjoy hanging out with us, even if he doesn't show it well. I think next time he does something rude when we're all together, I'll give him a call later when we're all home to let him know how he made other people feel.

You are truly a caring person. Just be aware that you might not be able to bring Brian around. You were fortunate to participate in those groups as a kid - it's a lot harder to change as an adult.

Is he someone who still lives with parents who baby him and let him do what he wants? If so that could be a part of the problem. Then you have autistics who tend to be very rigid in their thinking and seem to have unrealistic ideas about things. I used to be much more rigid myself and have more limited interests. If people told me that they didn't like what I did, I would get mad. He has to learn, yes, it's unpleasant that no one has seen these video games or whatever he is talking about but that other people have their own lives.

It also sounds like he thinks the world revolves around him because he's more important than everyone else for some reason and someone needs to give him a reality check.

I find it admirable that you are willing to try to talk to him directly about it taking into consideration how he might feel. I think your plan of trying to directly communicate to him what's wrong is a great idea (it's quite possible he has no idea the negative impression he is making). I would say that if after you try to explain to him, he demonstrates that he is actually willing to make an honest attempt to change his behavior, then it might be worth it to give him a chance. If, however, he is one of those people who is negative and completely refuses to even try to change, then it might be best to just leave him and not get caught in his toxicity. All you can do is offer to tell him when he does something that upsets people, whether he takes you up on your offer is up to him.

In any case, don't feel bad if it doesn't work out. You don't owe anyone any special treatment due to "autist solidarity" or anything. As BeaArthur said, you are a kind person to even consider making any extra efforts just for his sake.

P.S. as someone who also grew up watching Teen Titans, I can see from the commercial for Teen Titans Go that it would probably be hard to stomach. Then again, they probably didn't have the exact same demographic in mind, so it's understandable .

I talked it over with the rest of my friend group, and we've agreed to politely inform him of how he is making us uncomfortable, and that we'll welcome him more readily into the group ONLY if he is sincerely trying to improve his behavior. That way, if he genuinely wants to be friends with us, he can show it by, well, being more of a friend.

I agree with Summer_Twilight's analysis about Brian. He doesn't strike me as a complete irredeemable jerk (although only time will tell if that's correct), he just seems to take things too seriously (especially in regards to his interests, he seems to view people not sharing his interests as an attack on him personally) and he doesn't seem to consider other people's feelings, both issues that I think can be improved if he just changes his attitude.

Of course, if he's not willing to improve in any capacity, I don't think he's worth my time or my friends' time, even if he is autistic. Life is too short to waste on toxic people, autistic or not.