Is this level of spontenaity rude?

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My auntie and my stepsister are very NT. My mum's NT but she has her own things to be getting on with and isn't simply sitting around the house waiting to socialise.

This happened twice over the last few days.

First, my auntie texts mum and says 'I might come over to your house today, we're in your area'. So mum tries to gear all our routines around this. It means I eat at half past two when it's decided she isn't coming. Then she turns up and disturbs me. I get my routine done by eight o'clock. It disrupts mum's work and mum as well has to eat at half 2. (We normally eat at 12).

Today, my stepsister text the same. Then she didn't turn up at all.

These two women didn't chat to each other beforehand. They're not winding us up.

Surely it's rude to not at least say on the day itself 'I'm going to come over to your house today' and if you have plans beforehand, rude to not be very apologetic when cancelling. I know NTs aren't as routine based as us, but still, people have things to do.

Because they know I'm autistic they don't expect me to get involved but I just feel so peed off for mum who works hard and always has something on, usually not simply for pleasure. These people don't seem to get that and think they can pop in whenever they like. Is this normal with NTs?

Yes it's rude. At least say what time you're thinking of coming round. Or maybe your Mum should text back and say are you coming for lunch?

When I text my sister I ask if it's ok for me to come over and I give her a time. I never drop in on people. I understand that they have things to do.

TUF, your mom needs to discuss this with the family members involved. (Are you sure she's NT?)

We human beings train each other how to interact with each other - and this goes on long past school. It happens all the time, and it's not necessarily pathological. Your mom could say to your auntie, "Well, I need to know if you are coming so I can arrange my day. What time would you be coming?"

Now auntie might want to waffle, and say "not sure, it depends how my appointment goes," whereupon your mother could reply, "well, don't come then, my day is going to be choppy too. Let's get together when it works for both of us."

The alternative to this is one or both parties considering the other rude and inconsiderate. I think getting clarity is better than nursing a grudge about how rude another person is.

Do you agree?

I agree with this Bea.

Mum's done a test on it, not a professional test but an online one. It says she's 24 and that 25 is some autistic tendencies. I think a female test might show her as higher.

My auntie's very NT but/and likes to get her own way.

What mum has is a tendency to be very empathetic to the point where it gets in her way a lot. She doesn't stand up for herself. I defer to her sometimes, as a test or because I genuinely don't care and she says 'whatever you want, your needs are more important'. Also she's had a horrible term and just quit the job where she was being bullied. So I think she's low on social energy in terms of arguing back.

I want to encourage her to stand up for herself more. Instead, she just puts up with stuff and I want to get defensive on her part.

She has lots of friends but I had to explain to her not only what a 'frenemy' is (since that's a hip new word and middle aged people might not use it) but even that such people exist in the first place. She was being taken advantage of a lot before I encouraged her to be more picky with her friends.

The only thing my auntie values is work. I called my routine work yesterday to get out of the visit when I needed my routine. (I gave them a box of chocolate pretzels in order to be sociable in my own way).

My auntie seems to think mum's just a teacher, same as her, but she does have other work too and it takes a lot out of her. The holiday cottage we rent out requires things like taking decorations down at the right time etc.

A few years ago they were both just teachers. Even so, there are other things, sometimes extrovert things like already having plans with friends, sometimes just needing downtime, which are reasons why someone might need a clear plan.

I never disrupt people's routines without being clear about it but I think that's because as an aspie, I value routine myself so I assume other people do, too.

(And my stepsisters just hate her even though my stepdad started dating her ten years after their parents divorced. They resent her for not being their mother. They don't even like their dad much.)