The 'No Children' question

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Being INTJ does make it easier, although most of the mileage you get with that depends on a lot of other factors like how much traction you can get going your own way in life, if things aren't working how much that hits your own internal radar or depresses you, and something I'll really talk about below - ie. I get the impression that even on the autistic spectrum we get treated very differently for very small, subtle social micro-motions that our nervous systems may or may not allow us to reproduce.



There's so much to this. Chance is a killer, ie. any guarantees that you'll meet anyone whose single, at a compatible intelligence level, on top of that (if you have any neurological show of this) who won't be bothered by some broader social perception (that they'd think is perceptible to other people) that there's something genetically wrong with you. You could have two people of equal success, even equal rote social skills, even equally good temperaments, and one could be rejected while the other ostrasized - and it will come down to factors that the people making such judgments will not understand.

I think all of these factors have to be taken into account, ie. ASD isn't enough of a catch-all to give ASD advice on a lot of things. That said I think my biggest challenge is just how unpredictable my future is - not that I'm 100% destined to be single or far more than likely to marry or have kids, I'm more on razor's edge where it's true, I've hardly had any relationships in my life but I'm also in that spot where there's very little about me to tell me that I have any sure clue what the future will hold. Part of that angst is trying to plan. For example there are things I could do that would be ideal, like setting up the ultimate intellectual bachelor pad - my sort of into-retirement Shang Ri La, if I know I'll be single. At the same time there's quite a different route to go if I knew I'd be married, and the middle 'play it safe' route is fraught with a lot of sacrifice that's likely to be kind of like the worst of both worlds.

I'd say maybe that I'll agree to disagree. As far as I can tell, considering all the NT's in my life, they may have a different order of salience in what they feel, what drives them, and what's out front more important but it's a change of degrees not a full-on omission of very structural bodily experience. What I'm describing would be similar in scale to people not noticing that puberty was going on.

I am untypical atypical in that I always wanted kids, I always liked little kids. I have the patience for things and noises kids do that far exceeds my instant aggression if an adult is the source of same sensations.

I wanted 7 sons minimum because that old movie, but actually, I liked my lil cousins and neighbors lil siblings. If I could have afforded better, I likely would have had a houseful. I like my kids, I like their individuality. I like them even now that they are not as malleable as when small. Granted the one most similar and who was most cooperative is my favorite of the current 3. Kids I babysat have contacted me as adults and I found it pleasant.

Wanting/not wanting kids has no right or wrong but it is very important other person has that same view and is unlikely to change it. Many couples have this become a major issue when one suddenly changes mind.
And that both can handle parenting, not just let one parent handle them because they are the one that wanted them.

I never considered a compatible intelligence level to be a deal breaker. I only wanted a wife who would become a good mother. Much of that is driven by instinct. It is a built in trait. And also I valued a sense of independance. If something should ever happen to me, I wanted her to be survivable and able to carry on in raising the children.

These days I notice the intelligence issue is much more a thing based on how insecure people are. That's sort of what I mean. You're lucky to find someone of compatible intelligence, or someone secure enough not to be switched off by it.

I like what Sam said here.

I don't have any -- yet. But the husband and I are considering having one in the next few years (probably not more than that -- one is most likely, and two max, if the first goes ok, and we think we can handle it financially). I'm 34 right now, so I'd be in my late thirties by that point. I also finally have a good job, so I can save up more to make it easier on both of us for when our preferred time comes.

For the longest time, I thought I would be too high of a medical risk because of type 1 diabetes. My endo assures me though that pregnancies now for type 1s are usually pretty easy.

My biggest concern would be knowing what to do. I was the youngest child, so I don't really have much experience with children except school-age ones from my past years as a substitute teacher. I have no experience whatsoever with infants and very small children (younger than four).

I also wonder about emotional bonding. Perhaps I'll have the maternal instinct after all, but I do wonder sometimes. I also need to ensure I don't have meltdowns when the child does something annoying, which is inevitable (we all do wrong things in our lives, after all). I sometimes lost patience and temper when I was a teacher, although it will help that the child will have genetics and dispositions I'm familiar with (mine and my husband's).

What I'll probably do best with is teaching them things one-on-one. I've gotten good feedback for tutoring in the past. This is the part of parenting I'm looking forward to the most. It's super neat and rewarding to watch kids develop their minds.

I KNOW I would not be a good or even fit parent. I cannot be in the same room as a child without having a panic attack. If I had one, I'd have to give it up for adoption at birth and would probably arrange something with an agency as soon as I learned I was pregnant.