Worried about partner wanting children

Post Reply New Topic

Hello there again I have doomed this community with my struggles.

My partner i'm sure is wanting to have a child as he makes hints about how much he wants to look at having a family and such but i'm dead set against the idea and while I tell him this he understands and tells me it's ok. I get the feeling that he's hoping I change my mind but I know I cannot have children for the following reasons.

1 - My fears about the changes to my body when I get pregnant i'll become frumpy and fatter and even look more disgusting than I do now. I have a body image problem as I think i'm ugly and fat though my partner showers me with love and compliments.

2 - My partner is currently recovering from severe injury which nearly killed him, He fell 15 feet off a ladder which shattered his ribcage he's lucky to be able to move as much as he does let alone be alive.

3 - I feel I am undeserving of carrying his baby as I caused him much misery by giving him stress though getting into money troubles which are fixed and I went off the rails where I cheated on him with 2 women in two separate times why should a whore like me be the mother to his child.

4 - I struggle to connect with any of my nephews and nieces and have limited patience with children where my partner has unlimited patience when it comes to children and he connects with his nephews. I worry that the lack of empathy with children would make me a bad mum.

I worry that one day he's gonna click on that I won't change my mind and he will either run away and leave me and I will be heartbroken more than I am now or less likely he will have a child behind my back with another woman. I don't want my partner painted as someone evil cause he's the most caring and loving person I ever known even when I admitted I cheated and got into debt he never shouted yes he was upset but never called me names and when I cry at how fat I have become he showers me with love and compliments and he makes me feel beautiful and loved.

But even though my logical mind says no there's times like when we make love I want to be pregnant and I do have dreams about carrying his baby and I know he would be there for me every step of the way.

I do have appointments booked to speak with my counselling service in my area but it's a 8 week waiting list and was hoping I could get some advice from the group.

There are plenty of women who have had babies who are skinny. If you're overweight, it's because of what you eat, darling, no other reason. I know plenty of women who've had children who are very sexually alluring.

This is a very difficult question to answer. Having a child can be a great miracle within a marriage. It can also bring out problems. It moves you from a couple to a family of three. Someone special who is completely and totally utterly dependent upon you and your husband. It is a great responsibility.

Personally I had two children and they grew up just fine. They even helped to cement the marriage together. They were always a joy, a major element in the meaning of life. Now they are grown and I have 5 grandchildren. And they are turning out just fine.

Maybe because you are an Aspie, it will provide you with special insight. So as your children grow, you will be able to protect them and understand them, more than a typical NT.

I feel for you, this is such a difficult position to be in.

Ultimately, it's best not to have an unwanted child, as children create enormous pressures even when they are wanted.
So if you are certain about not wanting a child, it is better to be strong and unwavering on that and make sure he understands how you feel. If that means you lose him, then unfortunately he wasn't the right man for you.

However, some of your reasons for not wanting a child sounded to me like they are not issues with children at all, but issues with your self image. I think you would benefit from working through some of those issues - maybe through a counselling service? I'm feeling concerned about your relationship, not only because of the child question, but because of your need for validation from your partner. Sooner or later he will get tired of having to prop up your self-image.

I don't know if this helps, but try thinking about your parents and their parents and their parents. Some of them were probably uncertain about their parenting abilities, too. Maybe they were under pressures that made them struggle to be good parents, maybe they made a lot of mistakes. Quite possibly your own parents were not consistent in their love for you and that has contributed to your difficulties with self image. But they were all doing their best and you are the outcome of their efforts. They would not want you to feel inadequate in any way, they would want you to feel loved and secure and accepting of yourself. You are the creation of hundreds of thousands of years of love and care and struggle, and you belong on this earth just as much as anyone else. Once you truly understand that, you will find that looks don't really matter at all.

If your partner runs because he wants to have kids and you don't, you were both incompatible.

About getting fatter in pregnancy, it's about what you eat and how much. Eating for two doesn't literally mean eat for two. That is just an excuse pregnant women use to eat like a pig and to gain an excessive amount of weight. Just eat normal but you need at least 500 extra calories a day but you don't need any extra in your first trimester. But since you are already overweight, it wouldn't matter if you actually lost weight and some people have actually lost weight in their pregnancy. Sometimes it due to inability to keep food down or because they started to eat healthy and they lost weight that way.

Worried about your skin being too stretched out and worried about more stretchmarks, that is based on genetics, how is your mom's belly and your relatives, any stretchmarks or any granny skin? If they don't have any, chances are your skin will bounce back to normal after having a baby and it won't look like a granny belly. Some women get a tummy stuck surgery because of it so their belly looks normal again.

Plus adoption is always an option.


About the lack of empathy thing, I have two kids and they both love me. My son always wants to rub my back and always wants to be with me in the same bed. Plus he likes giving me things and tells me he loves me. So that probably means I am doing something right. Just as long as you feed them and give them clothes and buy them things, (I don't mean spoil them with toys and junk) and spend some time with them, they will love you. It's not like you are beating them or starving them or calling them names or destroying their stuff. One of the best things about children is they always love you, even if they think you are mean sometimes because they don't like being scolded or getting into trouble when they misbehave.

Thanks for the messages of advice I feel so conflicted cause my logical mind knows I don't want children it's only when we make love or when I lie in bed snuggled up with my partner that I get these broody feelings but afterwards they go away and I feel frightened by them.

I know it's my fault I'm overweight cause I snack a lot as it makes me feel better even though when I see myself naked in a mirror I feel repulsed at how big I am. My partner does make set meals including lunch time meals and he's lost loads of weight but I have not though till the accident he did loads of physical work where I sit in an office and not move much.

I only worry that people think i'm painting my partner as this evil person when he isn't all he does is give me love and support. I agree that some of my issues come more from my self image as a person and I have tried to self remedy my issues by for example I enjoy wearing thongs and they did for a while give me more confidence especially as my partner always said he likes my bum but it's all short term fixes hence why i'm trying to get counselling support.
It's also hard to have a self positive image when I not only got me and my partner into massive debt cause when I moved in with him I didn't have a clue how to be an adult but I went off the rails cause of the stress of his seizures coming back and having to be an adult and I bedded two women and while again made me for the whole experience made me feel all sexual and confident I felt like trash afterwards no more than a slapper and I lost a good friend over it.

My partner would be open to the idea of adoption but even he admits that the idea of parenthood scares him but I see that he connects with his nephews so well and I can see the hints that are coming up. I have a few times spoken to him and he keeps saying that if I don't want children that's fine and as long as we love each other that what matters but I wonder if he's lying or hoping he can change my mind.

I think in the meantime I need to focus more on my body image problems and self worth cause both are at rock bottom and I got a partner who loves me and cares for me but I want him to feel like he can rely upon me and I can be his rock where at the minute he's everything and this is a man who at this minute is held together with metal and frustrated mindset of he's got to fix and keep everything going.

I do love animals though and if I could have a cat or dog I would be happy. I often treat my parents and my partners parents dogs as children the level of love and affection I give them.

What if you and your partner got a puppy then? Not only could it help him (and you) feel like you have something to nurture and dote on and be responsible for, but it could also be good for your health. Walking a dog every day is a good excuse to get out of the house and get some exercise.[/quote]

To be honest that's a good idea though we both work long shifts so for 5 days a week the poor dog would be locked away. My partner I think has been looking at getting a Ragdoll cat as he used to have a Ragdoll years ago which he was attached too. I might ask him tonight as I would love a Ragdoll cat and it might give us something to bond over.

I still think I have self image issues which I need to fix. I still waiting on counselling I just feel disgusting with my body especially when I cannot walk more than a few hundred metres and I get tired. My partner did suggest I could go to the gym with him and we could just do the sit down cycling together to help me build up. I know it's my fault i'm overweight as I snack a lot but a snack cause i'm unhappy over that I want to be a better woman rather than this slapper who cheated on her partner twice when things went bad and able to do more in the house. While I have done more stuff I still struggle with household chores where my partner finds it easy but he was taught how to live independent from the age of 14 I was never taught anything till I moved out.

Hi there! I just signed in after having read this thread. I'm from Finland and my english is a bit rusty but I'll try to manage... I've been struggling with same kind of thing for a few years now, I have a perfect loving partner who seems to be great with kids, whereas I'm not. He tells me he doesn't really want kids, but I know he's just trying to be nice to me. And this is a problem.
Children make me terrified, and I'm afraid of many things, including deceasis, vomiting, socializing, swimming..even riding a bike is a no-go for me. I can not connect with children, they just seem like weard little adults to me. I feel totally and utterly tired and stressed out after having to watch over my sisters kids. I don't find babies cute and I don't like looking at pictures of them. I prefer animals.
We have had many discussions on whether to have children or not, and it always seems to get to the point at "well, it's not the right moment anyway but if a happy little accident happens..." and I feel like I'm supposed to carry a child for my loving husband-to-be. Frankly i'm not totally sure myself either, do I want kids or not. And will I regret if I don't. Many people have told me, that they never regretted having children even when it happened as an accident. I've passed my prime years ago, and pregnancy would be difficult at this age. Labour frightens me, what if I die from bloodloss or something else....I'm underweight because I just can't eat enough, I might not be strong enough to carry a child. This makes me sad sometimes, but still..life is a lot easier without kids.
So, if you feel stronger than me and you do find the "mother instinct" inside you, then I think, if you want, you should try to have children with your partner who seems like a really nice guy and he probably loves you very much. But if you feel like you can't deal with all the physical stuff (I don't mean getting fat, but everything else), then be happy with no kids (as they are not the meaning of life, and everyone don't have to have them). Sorry if I only confused you... I can also relate to the feeling of wanting children when making love, I guess it's only due to the hormones involved. And menstrual cycle can stir up emotions a lot too. Life is unpredictable and one can never be ready for having a child, and there will never be a perfect timing for it. Now I'm confused too

We aspergirls always tend to be too kind, but we should focus more on our own well being. We can't be happy otherwise. Guess this is what I really wanted to say.