Mum doesn't want me going to pub and I want to watch matches

Post Reply New Topic

I finally have a pub where I can do my football. Everyone on here probably knows how important that is to me. I spent my formative years in a 'Rangers' (really UVF focused... I'm being honest here, seriously there were alleged terrorists... if I came across IRA types, I'd steer clear, the equivalent was 'normal'...) town. Then I went down to the English midlands and spent most of my life there being told 'birds can't like football' or 'Scottish football's pub league'. Finally I have somewhere where I can watch Celtic with other fans without spending an absolute fortune on train fares.

But mum is resentful.

She works long hours. She hates the fact I'm on disability benefit even though she's the one who's dealing with it and even though she's the one who keeps reminding me I can't work. She hates the fact I have 'free' (really working on my writing) days. She would never admit it but she does keep saying to me and my (retired) stepdad 'well you children have all day, I have to work and weekends and evenings are my time'...

I wish she was as aspie as I am and I suspect he is because then she'd be blunt and honest and I wouldn't be reading between the lines. Typical NT woman won't come out and say anything. It's a form of cowardice. I could battle with oppositional bluntness but not with this.

She only wants me going to matches sometimes and she's being really vague over what 'sometimes' refers to. She said 'well if we have nothing else on or it's an old firm or cup final'. But then she talked about activities which were spontaneous. So obviously if we have nothing else on, she'll just make something up … She also said 'I don't have friends because we moved' (um so I could get some offline friends and not live in my room...) when I suggested she spent time with her friends. She's the type who can make friends really easily. Nothing is stopping her from making friends with her colleagues like at her last job.

She's bitter about sport. She hates sport because my stepdad has a specialist interest in cricket and cricket is available all the time and he used to spend Boxing Day watching it from 6am to 9pm and all summer out playing it. Now he watches every single sport going on his iPad.

She does not get how important this is to me. I'm sure she doesn't. But I'm just trying to figure out what she means, how to persuade her, how to make her less resentful of me etc. Because I feel like I need this community where I fit in and I need to watch matches in good company sometimes.

I'm really p-ed off at her at the moment as I thought she would have some sort of idea what it meant to me. But she never did so I don't know why she would now.

I know it's not a delicate question but- how old are you?
As you get disability, you are probably adult, aren't you?
I know it's easy to tell and hard to do but your mother should not dictate to you how you spend evenings.
She should not spend her free time in your room.
Her frustration and overwork is not your responsibility.
Can't she work less?

I'm 30.

No, the problem with my room was me. I was spending my entire life in my room. Other than meals, doctors appointments, dog walks and the bathroom, my entire life was in my room for five years...

So we moved house and now she has a few less friends.

She can't work less but I did offer to help her where possible. She's being less resentful with me saying that. And I promised to spend the next day (or previous day) with her for some of it, doing something special. Apparently she was feeling 'left out'.

It's not that you are needing a lift home from the pub, is it? Because if that were true, I could understand her irritation.

It sounds like both she and you need to make some new friends.

I do think it's great that you've offered to do more work in the household. If she's the only person working, she should come home to a hot meal on the table, every night.

No, I've got the frame of a 13 year old so I don't drink. It's just as a woman I don't feel safe in pubs on my own, at least until I've got a good group of female friends around me. She wouldn't allow me to go on my own. My stepdad asked her if that was a solution and she said no.

He does the housework, I'm taking some of her paperwork off her hands (the stuff you don't have to be trained for such as typing up and checking for grammar and punctuation etc).

What I'm thinking is perhaps he doesn't do the housework to her standards. But she has quite exacting standards.

I didn't exactly get it - who would you like to go to the pub with? Your mom? Your stepdad?
I would go on my own - I do and my parents have nothing to say since I turned 18 - but I'm not really disabled. Also, I wear rather masculine style which seems to keep some of the trouble away.
How are your prospects of building a group of friends locally?

My stepdad.

Yeah maybe it should do. I basically dress like a boy.

But I still get a heck of a lot of passes etc.

I'm not sure. That's why I'm going with him until I know people better. And because he wants to go, it's just she didn't want us going.

Maybe she feels left out. Rather than engaging with pub issue you could let her know that you want to spend time with her doing something fun.

Yeah I did. She agreed to it as she gets date night with him out of it and a special morning with me which is exclusively us two doing something nice (me and her).

She likes one and one bonding or whatever it's called, being made to feel special.

Sounds good, hopefully that will help ease an tension between you.

Yeah, Magz. I always pass as a kid. I only wear male clothing and sometimes pass for male. Essentially I look like a 13 year old boy.

It ought to stop hassle but it doesn't always. You never know what sort of (usually) bloke is out there. I've had men hit on me because they thought I was a teenage boy...

And aside from that sort of creep, people are often taking advantage of people who look like kids, especially if they're autistic so as naïve as a kid anyway.

So it's a good idea to get our bearings before I just go around places on my own.

Yeah, I get it.
I don't really know the pub life dynamics in the UK but my expirience is, even very loose social network of a couple of acquaintances helps a lot in preventing being taken advantage of. It may be the drunk culture of Poland or it may be more universal but a couple of people caring for weather you came safely home makes all the difference.
Well, I guess this is something worth working on.