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Why we have opposite sex friends not just same sex friends

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JustFoundHere
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03 Jul 2019, 2:10 pm

BenderRodriguez wrote:
JustFoundHere wrote:
I favor platonic acquaintances with women. I also favor acquaintances with............like minded those of the same sex. From an early age, I learned to value acquaintances with smart, thoughtful, and caring women, as well as valuing acquaintances with men who are like-minded.

Developing such friendships are doable, healthy goals for HFA. For those of us who on a first name basis regarding small talk, developing friendships with thoughtful people are doable, healthy goals to achieve! The 'Social Skills & Making Friendship Forum' sorely needs to boost such examples of friendships.

Spot on, this reflects my experience to a T!

I would have missed on such meaningful, quiet but profound connections with people if I rejected by default having friendships with women.

Sure, other kind of feelings can develop and will sometimes, but the choice to act on them is still under our control. I had a very tough childhood and grew up without a mother and I doubt I would have been capable of having good/healthy (romantic) relationships if it wasn't for some remarkable women that I met and sometimes made friends with.


Thank-you for quoting my post. Here on WP, I'm glad to see a refocused discussion on platonic acquaintances with women; that also includes developing friendships with like minded awesome men. I sense such acquaintances can serve as a foundation to encourage HFA's to develop friendships. It might be especially encouraging to have NT's experienced with HFA to act as intermediaries of sorts in encouraging friendships.

I'm glad to see that this discussion has become active on the 'Social Skills & Making Friends' Forum. I feel that it can be beneficial towards personal growth to read, and respond discussions on boosting social skills. If anybody here has had these awesome creative writing teachers in school (even before the Internet) , you know what is meant about the values of writing!



funeralxempire
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03 Jul 2019, 11:32 pm

Mapofsteel wrote:
I have always wanted to know why people, AS & NT alike, have opposite sex friends and not just same sex friends. I believe that members of different sexes can never understand each other, or have any appreciation for one another’s points of view. Any thoughts on this?


I like having friends who aren't exactly like me so I can hear perspectives besides my own. I don't need my own ideas repeated to me, I need to hear ideas and perspectives that might not have otherwise occurred to me so I don't make errors due to my own blindspots.


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funeralxempire
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03 Jul 2019, 11:36 pm

KT67 wrote:
I never really wanted same sex friends as a child.

Only as I got older did I realise that other women around me had depth and were just masking it.

I suppose same could be said for the boys too (anyone who was 'too clever' got bullied) but at least the boys had fun instead of putting on nail varnish all the time and sitting around chatting about nothing, girls' only game seemed to be skipping (and I'm dyspraxic...).

I mean there was nothing really 'deep' about me and my best friend having burping contests... it was funny though... (I am talking about 7 yos for the record not grown ups)

I'd like male friends but only if they know how to treat someone like an individual and respect her (me). I'd like female friends but only if they didn't fit the 'feminine' mould. It's funny saying 'I'd like' because I pretty much have both except that adults don't do the 'do you want to be my friend' question when it's platonic.

Does anyone else miss that question? It divided off who was your friend and who wasn't more clearly. But if an adult asks it they're asking for more than just platonic friendship.


I always liked having tomboys as friends, because you could be competitive and do s**t that sometimes resulted in injuries, but they wouldn't make everything into a dick measuring contest (maybe because they knew they'd lose?). Basically it was like having a friend who was a girl, while also gaining most of the benefits of having a friend who was a boy. It took me awhile to figure out 'sissy' boys (whether gay or just liberated from macho needledickery) basically represented the same.


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Mapofsteel
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04 Jul 2019, 12:17 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Mapofsteel wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
How do you not see personality? You don't notice, for example, that different people tend to have different behavior patterns, different likes and dislikes, different attitudes, different sense of humor, etc.?

That's exactly right. I only see MY point of view, what interests ME, how *I* feel, and I don't appreciate that anyone else would think any differently than I do.

However, in another thread here, you wrote:

Mapofsteel wrote:
I have interests that I feel no one else has.

This appears to contradict what you wrote above, unless I am misunderstanding it.

Anyhow, why do you feel that no one shares your interests? How hard have you looked for people who share your interests? Surely it should be possible to find such people online, if not in real life?

Basically, my entire life revolves around making sure everything goes exactly the way I expect it to, that I don’t have to worry that anything I do is going to get me into trouble, and that I am always right and nothing happens that I do not want to happen. This leaves little to no room for traditional interests in my life.



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04 Jul 2019, 1:39 am

Mapofsteel wrote:
Basically, my entire life revolves around making sure everything goes exactly the way I expect it to, that I don’t have to worry that anything I do is going to get me into trouble, and that I am always right and nothing happens that I do not want to happen. This leaves little to no room for traditional interests in my life.

This also leaves virtually no room for friendships - no one wants to be controlled all the time :(


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KT67
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04 Jul 2019, 6:52 am

funeralxempire wrote:
KT67 wrote:
I never really wanted same sex friends as a child.

Only as I got older did I realise that other women around me had depth and were just masking it.

I suppose same could be said for the boys too (anyone who was 'too clever' got bullied) but at least the boys had fun instead of putting on nail varnish all the time and sitting around chatting about nothing, girls' only game seemed to be skipping (and I'm dyspraxic...).

I mean there was nothing really 'deep' about me and my best friend having burping contests... it was funny though... (I am talking about 7 yos for the record not grown ups)

I'd like male friends but only if they know how to treat someone like an individual and respect her (me). I'd like female friends but only if they didn't fit the 'feminine' mould. It's funny saying 'I'd like' because I pretty much have both except that adults don't do the 'do you want to be my friend' question when it's platonic.

Does anyone else miss that question? It divided off who was your friend and who wasn't more clearly. But if an adult asks it they're asking for more than just platonic friendship.


I always liked having tomboys as friends, because you could be competitive and do s**t that sometimes resulted in injuries, but they wouldn't make everything into a dick measuring contest (maybe because they knew they'd lose?). Basically it was like having a friend who was a girl, while also gaining most of the benefits of having a friend who was a boy. It took me awhile to figure out 'sissy' boys (whether gay or just liberated from macho needledickery) basically represented the same.


I didn't know I'd lose til puberty. Children are equally strong.

Actually not until after puberty but it was pretty obvious during puberty, I was just cocky about it.

But yeah tomboy/boy friendships work. Just not girly girl/sissy and tomboy/boy friendships. Because people like different things and they can generally be sorted into 'feminine person' and 'masculine person'.

I'm still competitive if it's an intellectual thing or if the guy has something to compensate for his sex so for eg playing football with my stepdad cos he's old. Just I wouldn't want to take on a 30 something yo bloke in a physical challenge cos puberty makes blokes stronger than women, even butches.

I had a stupid friend who thought I wasn't a tomboy cos he was (probably undiagnosed aspie?) a geek and I didn't know how to play video games. Nah - I grew up climbing trees and playing football and stuff, not stuck on a console all day. The computer games I did play were really geeky ones in the intellectual sense like Our House and The Human Body or generic casual ones like Civ and Sim City.

Mind you having said that I'd want to date a femme and most straight blokes aren't into dating tomboys so opposites attract sometimes?


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Mona Pereth
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04 Jul 2019, 8:17 am

Mapofsteel wrote:
Basically, my entire life revolves around making sure everything goes exactly the way I expect it to, that I don’t have to worry that anything I do is going to get me into trouble, and that I am always right and nothing happens that I do not want to happen. This leaves little to no room for traditional interests in my life.

So there's nothing that you do just because you enjoy it, or because it fascinates you?


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Mapofsteel
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04 Jul 2019, 9:18 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Mapofsteel wrote:
Basically, my entire life revolves around making sure everything goes exactly the way I expect it to, that I don’t have to worry that anything I do is going to get me into trouble, and that I am always right and nothing happens that I do not want to happen. This leaves little to no room for traditional interests in my life.

So there's nothing that you do just because you enjoy it, or because it fascinates you?

That’s right.



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04 Jul 2019, 9:31 am

That's sad and going to lead to more sadness than just not having friends or trying to have the right kind of friends will do.

Work on having some hobbies you enjoy for the sake of enjoying them and where you don't need other people, then you might meet people along the way.

I did this with watching football (I've always been into football but I continued liking it when I was in the English midlands and had nobody to watch it with) and with books (book clubs) and with writing and with art. None of those thing require other people but sometimes along the way you can find friends :)

I don't have offline writing or art friends at the moment but I still enjoy doing those things and I'm going to hopefully meet people at an art retreat I'm going to.

It helps that you're autistic which means you will be better able to cope being independent than an NT, just as long as you don't gear your whole life around finding friends.


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funeralxempire
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04 Jul 2019, 11:48 am

KT67 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
KT67 wrote:
I never really wanted same sex friends as a child.

Only as I got older did I realise that other women around me had depth and were just masking it.

I suppose same could be said for the boys too (anyone who was 'too clever' got bullied) but at least the boys had fun instead of putting on nail varnish all the time and sitting around chatting about nothing, girls' only game seemed to be skipping (and I'm dyspraxic...).

I mean there was nothing really 'deep' about me and my best friend having burping contests... it was funny though... (I am talking about 7 yos for the record not grown ups)

I'd like male friends but only if they know how to treat someone like an individual and respect her (me). I'd like female friends but only if they didn't fit the 'feminine' mould. It's funny saying 'I'd like' because I pretty much have both except that adults don't do the 'do you want to be my friend' question when it's platonic.

Does anyone else miss that question? It divided off who was your friend and who wasn't more clearly. But if an adult asks it they're asking for more than just platonic friendship.


I always liked having tomboys as friends, because you could be competitive and do s**t that sometimes resulted in injuries, but they wouldn't make everything into a dick measuring contest (maybe because they knew they'd lose?). Basically it was like having a friend who was a girl, while also gaining most of the benefits of having a friend who was a boy. It took me awhile to figure out 'sissy' boys (whether gay or just liberated from macho needledickery) basically represented the same.


I didn't know I'd lose til puberty. Children are equally strong.

Actually not until after puberty but it was pretty obvious during puberty, I was just cocky about it.

But yeah tomboy/boy friendships work. Just not girly girl/sissy and tomboy/boy friendships. Because people like different things and they can generally be sorted into 'feminine person' and 'masculine person'.

I'm still competitive if it's an intellectual thing or if the guy has something to compensate for his sex so for eg playing football with my stepdad cos he's old. Just I wouldn't want to take on a 30 something yo bloke in a physical challenge cos puberty makes blokes stronger than women, even butches.

I had a stupid friend who thought I wasn't a tomboy cos he was (probably undiagnosed aspie?) a geek and I didn't know how to play video games. Nah - I grew up climbing trees and playing football and stuff, not stuck on a console all day. The computer games I did play were really geeky ones in the intellectual sense like Our House and The Human Body or generic casual ones like Civ and Sim City.

Mind you having said that I'd want to date a femme and most straight blokes aren't into dating tomboys so opposites attract sometimes?


For what it's worth, I'm more traditionally masculine than not, it's just that I'm open to questioning some of the BS that some guys allow to define masculinity; and I'm pretty open to dating tomboyish women, at least as open as I am to dating women who don't fit that trope.


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funeralxempire
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04 Jul 2019, 8:55 pm

KT67 wrote:
I didn't know I'd lose til puberty. Children are equally strong.


Doesn't matter how strong you are, if you don't have a dick you can't possibly win a dick-measuring contest. (The joke being that what's normally understood metaphorical is being interpreted literally, if you don't have one you can't 'measure up'.)


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04 Jul 2019, 11:04 pm

Mapofsteel wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
So there's nothing that you do just because you enjoy it, or because it fascinates you?

That’s right.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

Not having things you enjoy, in themselves, would also make it harder to make friends. One aspect of friendship is having fun together, which means having shared interests or activities that you both enjoy.


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KT67
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05 Jul 2019, 8:08 am

funeralxempire wrote:
KT67 wrote:
I didn't know I'd lose til puberty. Children are equally strong.


Doesn't matter how strong you are, if you don't have a dick you can't possibly win a dick-measuring contest. (The joke being that what's normally understood metaphorical is being interpreted literally, if you don't have one you can't 'measure up'.)


Lol good aspie joke :lol:


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funeralxempire
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05 Jul 2019, 8:33 am

KT67 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
KT67 wrote:
I didn't know I'd lose til puberty. Children are equally strong.


Doesn't matter how strong you are, if you don't have a dick you can't possibly win a dick-measuring contest. (The joke being that what's normally understood metaphorical is being interpreted literally, if you don't have one you can't 'measure up'.)


Lol good aspie joke :lol:


Allegedly we're good at that sort of humour. I've always liked flipping phrases.


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JustFoundHere
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10 Jul 2019, 11:14 pm

JustFoundHere wrote:
BenderRodriguez wrote:
JustFoundHere wrote:
I favor platonic acquaintances with women. I also favor acquaintances with............like minded those of the same sex. From an early age, I learned to value acquaintances with smart, thoughtful, and caring women, as well as valuing acquaintances with men who are like-minded.

Developing such friendships are doable, healthy goals for HFA. For those of us who on a first name basis regarding small talk, developing friendships with thoughtful people are doable, healthy goals to achieve! The 'Social Skills & Making Friendship Forum' sorely needs to boost such examples of friendships.

Spot on, this reflects my experience to a T!

I would have missed on such meaningful, quiet but profound connections with people if I rejected by default having friendships with women.

Sure, other kind of feelings can develop and will sometimes, but the choice to act on them is still under our control. I had a very tough childhood and grew up without a mother and I doubt I would have been capable of having good/healthy (romantic) relationships if it wasn't for some remarkable women that I met and sometimes made friends with.


Thank-you for quoting my post. Here on WP, I'm glad to see a refocused discussion on platonic acquaintances with women; that also includes developing friendships with like minded awesome men. I sense such acquaintances can serve as a foundation to encourage HFA's to develop friendships. It might be especially encouraging to have NT's experienced with HFA to act as intermediaries of sorts in encouraging friendships.

I'm glad to see that this discussion has become active on the 'Social Skills & Making Friends' Forum. I feel that it can be beneficial towards personal growth to read, and respond discussions on boosting social skills. If anybody here has had these awesome creative writing teachers in school (even before the Internet) , you know what is meant about the values of writing!


ADDENDUM: Concerning men who are receptive to platonic relationships with women - Can a man more readily relate to awesome, thoughtful women, more readily than awesome, thoughtful men?

How many people feel that the topic of this discussion thread (as well as the previous post) can serve as encouragement to develop friendships?

The friendships we form now, and in the near-future can be those awesome friendships we can enjoy over the socially active holiday season (just something to reconsider a few months in advance).