How do I get my asd husband to understand

Post Reply New Topic

How do I get my asd husband to understand that my total lack of desire is not a personal rejection but a normal side effect of being post menopause.
Sex has always been a difficult topic in our marriage (of 38 years) he decided years ago that he would no longer initiate sex because he does not like to be rejected. Regardless of how I approached it he never changed his mind. So his only sexual advance for the last 30plus years is to ask me how I am feeling today, as in am I well and do I have time, or to grab me by the boobs, he never tries to initiate sex at all when we are in bed. It has always been frustrating but now that he is diagnosed as Asd I understand that his mind works differently than mine does. That being the case today when he asked me how I was feeling I answered with a 'If you mean do I feel like sex then the answer would be that I never feel like sex anymore but if thats what you want then I can make time'. For one of the few times ever he showed emotion and was clearly hurt. I explained that menopause has taken away all of my sex drive and the only time I actually feel like it is in the ten minutes right before I get a migraine because the blood flow goes to my extremities and that just because I have no urge it does not mean that I do not enjoy it once we start. Honestly though I dont know what he heard and what he blocked out. I am in turmoil because I have clearly hurt him and dont know how to explain it to him in a way that will help. He is going away for a few days and if I dont try and approach this he will not talk about it again. What advice do you have for me please.

Tell him that you love him, and that he is your best friend (especially if it’s true).

Try to communicate about your menopause, if you feel able.

Ask him to please listen to you about this.

Tell him you’re sorry that you hurt him, and that you didn’t mean to hurt him.

I hope you two hug before he leaves.

Welcome. If you're only looking for responses from women, please specify and I for one will refrain from any further communication in this thread. I'm not sure if you are since you posted in the Women's section, but the title of your post is open to responses from women or men.

Is it safe to say that in general terms a woman wants to be in love with a man before she has sex with him?

In general terms a man regards a woman's willingness to have sex with him in a relationship as a fundamental signal that she loves him. An ASD characteristic is "black and white" or all or nothing thinking, but I don't know if the issue with your husband really has much to do with his autism as much as it's probably more related to a basic female/male dynamic.

What if your husband stated the following to you?

"Honey, I'm not sure if the reason is biological, emotional or psychological, but I don't love you in the same way anymore; I don't love you the way that I used to and I have to say that I never will again. If you want me to pretend that I love you like I used to, if that will make you feel better, just let me know and I'll pretend."

How would a wife feel if a husband said the above to her? Would she be OK with it? Would she feel hurt? Would she feel rejected? Would she feel unloved? Might she even feel devastated?

You've said that you're not saying you never want to have sex with him again and that you do enjoy it once you agree to have sex with your husband, but it's possible that what he "heard" was the statement above.

I wonder what would happen if you read the above statement to your husband, tell him you were searching the internet about menopause and sex and ask him if he feels that way or anything close to it. If he says yes, then maybe it can be a basis for discussion, communication or maybe even couples therapy.

I think it's elementary for people to understand that in a long term relationship that was mutually sexual, if one partner says that she or he never wants to have sex again but will acquiesce, a part of the relationship dies. I'm not saying the relationship dies, but a part of it does. Wouldn't anyone feel sad if they realized that a part of their relationship has died?

Maybe you could have him read a book or online article about menopause. A lot of guys don’t know that much about it. He might understand you better if he knows what you’re dealing with.

Thank you for your responses, I appreciate it. I will take your collective advice and give it all a try. No Manga I did not wish to exclude any genders opinion, the womens forum was what opened so I thought that was where I should post. I appreciate your insight.
many thanks