How do I stop over-worrying about what people think of me?

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To some extent, it is reasonable to care what people think, as it helps sustain moral values in a society. If you care about what other people are thinking or feeling, you're more open to being thoughtful and respectful of their rights.

But then there's social anxiety disorder. I spend an unhealthy amount of time on worrying about what people think of me and trying to please others, so much that it interferes with my happiness/well-being and my ability to function socially, which in turn creeps into other areas of functioning. In extreme cases, it also has the unintended opposite effect of contributing to a general pessimistic and judgmental feeling among one's peers, which repels people and is not thoughtful or respectful of their rights.

When you realize that you are you is when you start to think "I don't care what you think about me. This is who I am" which changes things.
Been years of doing what people said I should do to fit in and it doesn't work. I still stood out and was myself.

I think most of my worries are about my ethics, rationality, and physical attractiveness. I don't really care much about what people think of things like my fashion sense, hobbies and interests, or lifestyle--which is to say, whether people like or dislike these aspects of me doesn't concern me, and with these I have the attitude that "this is me, take it or leave it".

I should add that things like my fashion choices, hobbies and interests, lifestyle, etc., only cause me to worry about what people think of them when they encroach into ethics, rationality, etc. But these are reasonable worries, I would think, because my happiness and well-being should never interfere with that of others. If my cigarette smoke (a lifestyle choice) is bothering people, then I need to adjust my actions to where it doesn't affect them, for example by not smoking around people who don't want second-hand smoke. This is just common decency, although admittedly I haven't always been the most considerate with these sorts of things, but I have gotten a lot better about it.

Last edited by Abstract_Logic on 09 Jan 2020, 5:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I disagree. It does not matter what strangers think, as long as they leave me alone -- anyway, I am always suspicious of strangers who suddenly approach me with smiles and flattery for no apparent reason -- waitresses and store-workers being the exception. My supervisors and my wife are the only people whose opinions of me matter to me, so I am concerned with what they think of me, but not obsessively so.I don't know if I can help you with social anxiety, because what I do is not think of other people at all -- I don't matter to them, so they don't matter to me.

The thing that worked for me was a friend telling me "It's none of your business what others think of you." That really blew my mind, because it's true. You can't really know for sure, it's not your information to access. Now I just mind my OWN business.

Indeed, I've heard that before. I generally agree with the idea, because obviously it's not my information to access, and there's little I can do about it anyway. The problem though is that I feel like I'm capable of changing or improving ethically and rationally, and I don't think I come across as too headstrong or stubborn in that regard. I have this constant fear that there is something I'm missing, like some key ethical issue with me that I may be too biased to see, but which everybody else (or a certain group of people) is privy to, and they are judging me or mocking me for it. The fear may be based in reality or it may not, or if it IS based in reality then maybe it's not as serious as I imagine it to be. But if it is real in any way, I think I am entitled to know what it is. Panic-induced brainstorming about it has almost always dug me into a deeper hole, but I can't make any progress toward finding out what it is without putting some ideas out in the open. <--That has been the thought process for almost 16 years, with periods of 'dampening' in between. I've realized that that thought process is probably unfounded, but anyone with intrusive thoughts/obsessive ruminations knows that it is much easier said than done to ignore it.

Last edited by Abstract_Logic on 09 Jan 2020, 9:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This may be the wrong tack entirely, but you seem to be questioning your moral values, and issues of right and wrong.

I always wanted to be "good" and caring and helpful, but in a complex world, that is not always clear. I did not get comfortable in my own skin until I found a spiritual framework and practice.

Thank you very much for sharing this.

Regarding the first sentence of your last paragraph, I think that is the fundamental issue I have, but anxiety and paranoia carry it WAY beyond reason.

I'm wondering if I shouldn't group the paranoia and obsessive ruminations in with social anxiety disorder. It's just that I've always felt like they are both cut from the same cloth, at least in my case. Nevertheless, there is a meaningful difference in what I experience in ordinary everyday social interactions and the paranoia. To help conceptualize it, I guess I would say that it is somewhat like a Venn diagram or something. In everyday social interactions, such as talking to a store employee, I experience social phobia, I stutter, stammer, and exhibit other signs of anxiety like nostril flaring, eyes widening, etc. I know this because part of social anxiety disorder is being extremely self-conscious, and I can sometimes notice when my nostrils flare and feel when my eyes widen. I nod excessively and probably look like a half-witted nut-job in doing so -- and even though I'm aware of this, I can't seem to stop doing it, it's a nervous tic. This is just around strangers, like random Best Buy employees. If I am around people who know (of) me or have seen me on more than one occasion, that's where it encroaches into paranoia. This includes school, work, social gatherings.

Addendum: I also think I may be slightly agoraphobic, but this is also experienced the same way social phobia/self-consciousness and paranoia are.

Post-addendum: The paranoia I experience has never been about anything paranormal, supernatural, or like delusional religiosity. As far as I can recall at the moment, it has always been regarding social phobia content, self-consciousness, ideas of reference, and magical thinking.