Intense self-loathing keeping me from making friends

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Of deprived desires and self-imposed standards.

In my case, social achievements -- any achivements really of any kind are a nonfactor to me.
An enjoyable consequence itself at best, an indicator of capability at 'worst'.
So it's little to do with factoring circumstances, I've been both bullied and praised, been the best and worst and everything in between so it mattered a little to me. I simply don't blame the world for that.



My desire? My desire is simply be capable and able to flexibly roam free -- to be reliable to myself and others. To be able to take responsibility of any consequences I may receive the end of it.
My self-imposed standards?
Supposedly doable for an average 20+ year old with an above average IQ without being constricted by norms.

My executive dysfunction cannot consistently allow it.
My pride, guilt, fear, whatnot doesn't allow certain methods.

I think with me, I want to make people happy. I try to be a good person, I don't believe my intentions are always clear.

I also think my religious beliefs seem antiquated to some. People sometimes have this perception of me as some kind of Christian fundamentalist, when I'm anything but. (I'm actually a democratic [market] socialist.) I don't know though. I don't know how to reach out to my classmates.

Honestly, I can't see why you "loathe" yourself so much.

I bet----if somebody really got to know you----you would be impressive to that person.

I don't blame the world or the people who have rejected or criticized me, and saying that the circumstances of criticism and rejection played a role in my self-esteem issues is not blaming them. Some of their criticism may be/have been warranted, and rejection in and of itself is not so much a statement about me, but more about the other person. For example, girls who have rejected me in the past just thought that I wasn't what they were looking for in a boyfriend, and I was never rejected by any of them in a mean or callous manner. They are not responsible for how the rejection affected my self-esteem. Being physically responsible for an action doesn't equate to being morally blameworthy, given the circumstances. Some of them didn't reject me altogether; we're still on good terms and consider each other friends. I've always had an internal locus of control, so instead of thinking like a narcissistic incel and blaming them for not liking "me the ideal male" (or whatever they do), I knew that the problem was with me, not them, so I felt that being someone I'm not in order to win them over was what I should do. This was the wrong decision entirely, and arguably the worst decision I've ever made as far as social relationships are concerned.



That's a reasonable and commendable desire. I totally understand the executive dysfunction.

If I have any regret at all, it was not able to discern behind the ego's filter sooner.


There was a time I had all the executive functions -- it was no 'ideal' self, it was the me behind the dysfunction.
This is why I'm just so frustrated with myself because it exists yet it's being kept away from me and not some mere possibility.

I want to know if anyone has the same case.

It was no 'fantasy' nor some dream like projection -- my problem IS executive function and this so-called 'ideal self' manifested in the real world.
Me and everyone around 'met' this 'version' in person and we're damn different in action -- but the intention's the same, the spirit's the same...

I've never felt so authentic, so free and so much in control.. I was not used to it, yet I've never felt like my real age until that. Never been so productive, never been so satisfied.
I'm already that person... I just want to stay like that. But apparently I can't, and regress back to the accustomed dysfunction after few days depending how deep and how long my sleep actually restored me.

Those days, I was in control of my emotions, I have all my talents accessible. I have the self control, I was able to express as myself and not as some forgetful and confused wreck.
Instead of on verge of frustration at every mistakes or any frustration really - I'm just in control and knowing what I would do instead of this clueless slow poke with mental myopia and reactive impulsiveness.

That's how I conclude with utter confidence it is NOT the world, it's my body -- this executive dysfunction.
And if this executive dysfunction disappeared for days and weeks based on how I sleep well at night...
It's not entirely the autism's problem not able to keep up with life, but a common comorbid that should've been preventable in the first place.

The closest thing I have for a circumstance, is not having enough money for a check up.



So... There. I have hope -- a real one, to cling onto. My pride wants it, my pathetic self wants it, my ego definitely wants it.

Unless... Unless I decided to discontinue towards that path -- which is a path beyond my role, my identity, my ideas of desire and myself.
A path of healing, of unconditional self-love and acceptance. Yet I decided to hold onto it -- I just couldn't let it go.

I want to clarify what I meant here: I thought the problem was me at the time, and it was a mistake to think of myself as "the problem". Advice I would give to me back then: "Think of a time where you really enjoyed yourself and felt the most comfortable. Be this person instead of trying to be someone you think others want you to be. Trying to be someone you're not will lead you down a path you'll regret later on. Anyone who rejects you for who you are now is not conducive to your happiness anyway, by virtue of the fact that they reject who you're most comfortable being."

@OP: You'll know the male version of yourself whenever you meet him. If he's the same age he'll be scared to death of you inside. He'll want to get to know you, but probably end up making a royal *expletive* of himself. Just a heads-up.

Um, what does that mean? Lol.

^ It's New-Age philosophy; nothing more.

Dear whale_tuune,

I am sorry you are feeling this way.

It might be helpful if you could describe your "self-loathing" a bit more. I realize that may be too painful, so in that case, please don't.

for myself, it could be the very bottom where I might as well die, or it could be just walking into a room full of people and thinking, oh dear, these people are never going to like me. Or it could be something else entirely.

Here are a couple of things that I know made a difference in my life, once I learned them:

1. Our feelings are just feelings. Feelings are not "reality." Yes, feelings are real in the sense that we experience them and do (or not do) something with them. I think this is what Kortie was getting at when he suggested a reality check. But feelings may not accurately reflect reality. Kortie is pretty good at sussing goodness in people. I certainly don't see anything "bad" about you.

2. Practicing positive thoughts can be beneficial. At the beginning it can feel pretty lame. But with time, it can be helpful. What I do sometimes before going into a group of people is think of: a couple of wonderful things that have happened lately and be ready to say what they are when people ask you. How are you? Whatcha been doing? Next I think of a couple of questions I can ask, like...how did you decide on your essay topic? Try to ask open-ended questions. Let the other person talk as much as s/he wants. Then you can back off. Leave the other person with a good feeling about you. It takes a long time to make friends. At least it does for me.

These may be useful to you or not. I just present them as possibilities. I do hope you feel better.

I too tend to need to clarify things a lot -- probably because I actually do get misunderstood a lot.

This is probably a common problem among autistic people I would guess.

In my opinion, what we need is to find friends who will be patient with our clarifications. And, in my opinion, this is a good reason to seek friends among fellow autistic people, who are more likely to understand the need for clarifications.

Today in class we were discussing a story about a utopia that is built at the price of one child being locked away in isolation. The story says that collective guilt over the child is what makes the utopia a utopia. I accidentally said "Their society is so just--" *I get a weird look from the professor* "just otherwise because they are guilty and want to make their sacrifice mean something."

This is why others may think that I'm a bad person or I think I may be. The story was about utilitarianism vs. right to self-determination. I wasn't trying to answer the question of whether utilitarianism or right to self-determination is more important from a moral standpoint, but it may have looked like I was a bad person who was okay with the fictional child being mistreated.