child neglect,?

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i cant give emotional support or receive it when somones tries to do it to me im like the f/ are you doing like it makes me cringe, i never received it from either of my parents and i became dettached, uncaring of other people, "sad" things dont faze me unless it comes to animals who were really my only companions and i would rather talk to my beloved dog and cuddle w him than to/w my mom at some point etc i hate physcial touch not just only hugging but when someone merely touches my hair or shoulder etc, you couldnt have a conversation w my mom she would always seem bored or like shed rather do something else, all my interests and passions and how i felt like, this was brushed off like it didnt matter so i learned i dont matter and at some point realized theres no point in reaching out but now i cant do it w other people as well even well intentioned ones who would listen and care (like doctors, i have bad experiences w those too), it made me think im boring and stupid and that no one could genuinely care about me, sometimes when we (my mom and i) would talk i would literally have to follow her and she wouldnt do the eye contact she wouldnt look my way she seemed so disinterested even these (current) days i sometimes need to block her way so she wont go away when i try to talk about something important to her it makes me cry sometimes that the closest person to you who should be your number one when it comes to these things behaves like that, how am i supposed to trust other people/ be vulnerable and "open up" to anyone? it made me a robot. i cant even have a normal casual conversation because im like you dont care about what im saying and i dont care about what you're saying, being raised this way really fs you up, i felt like she was/is so ashamed of me and just dont wanna hear me speak or even look at me, i dont know if im exaggarating or maybe its me thats the problem,? like i required too much attention and felt entitled to her time and she became exhausted w me,? but as soon as i realized shes "like that" i tried (as a kid) to give her as much space as i could, i would spend my days alone playing by myself or watching tv so one day she ridiculed me for that because at 12 i shouldnt be playing w toys like that anymore, i feel like im mentally regressed immature have no social skills whatsoever and some sociopathic traits because all of this, because if i didnt have this and seem relatively normal why would other people need it, people talking to me about their problems makes for an incredibly awkward situation because i dont know how to handle it, not that anyone does this anymore because my only friends i lost along the way, we knew each other from childhood and then drifted apart and i dont know how to connect w people now as an adult raised this way, back then it was Normal Sociable Children reaching out to me so of course something came out of it but now,? how do you befriend people as an adult,? i feel like im 12 still, is it my fault or my uninterested detached mother,? am i blowing this out of proportion,? i dont want to make her some kinda villain and blame all my current mental problems at her, i dont know

Seems like your mother has some serious mental health problems on her own and your development has been hindered by this.
Finding a good therapist, one who would really listen to you, is not easy, but if possible, it would be worth a try.

I agree with magz that a therapist may be the best course of action to help you sort through how your childhood is affecting you and the best way to overcome it. Identifying the issue is a great first step!!

I would also keep in mind that even though your mom's behavior hurt you, she was probably dealing with issues of her own. She may have been doing her best...a very crappy best. Or she may have mental health issues that led to her detachment, like a personality disorder or something. Either way, casting her as a villain (1) leads to anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness, and (2) casts you as a victim. Neither of those things will help you move on and grow past it.

I would recommend working with a therapist to identify why you feel like you are 12 and how to mature past that/recognize that having some "childlike" hobbies is okay. I love to color and read children's books like A Wrinkle in Time, and that's okay.

I agree with the posters above, finding the right therapist should help you sort out your feelings and figure out what to do with them.

I have to confess that it seems my daughter often felt about me a little bit as you do about your mother. I was SHOCKED. I never saw our interactions that way AT ALL, and despite knowing it is how she saw them, I still don't. HOWEVER, I accept that her experience is valid and that without realizing it I had somehow hurt her deeply. She used to try to tell me, but I was always defensive. In my mind I was giving her everything. But everything is really nothing if you what you are giving your child is not what they actually need, and somehow I never understood that I wasn't managing to give her what she actually needed.

With the help of a therapist, you might want to write these feelings down in a letter for your mother. Whether you should ever give it to her or not is another question. If she is like me, she will want to know, but at the same time be resistant to believing it. Understanding the truth of my daughter's experience was a bridge I had to cross on my own, and it took a lot of time, self-reflection and a few outside events that allowed me to look in from a different window. When she finally heard me say that I understood I had hurt her it was very healing for her. We're in a good place together now, and I hope you and your mom can someday be a in a good place together, too.

I hear you. I'm a 42 year old woman with the social skills of maybe a 6 year old.
My parents are Autistic. I know this because I looked up the medical symptoms.
I have spent my entire life wondering why they hated me so much because their behavior never suggested anything else.
I only found out the behaviors are symptoms. My understanding is behavior requires awareness. A symptom is a fact.

Since educating myself about Autism
I've discovered medical issues I have from childhood maltreatment which have greatly impaired my own human development so I'm so excited about being diagnosed and getting treatments.

The path till now, has easily been the hardest road of my entire life.
I first sort help at 13 but was labeled a naughty kid instead.
I'm not even going to bother list the 100's of different types of therapy I've had since then.
For me finding out has been a huge relief.