Blown away

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Thankfully he can come home for xmas though it's going to feel like a very dark xmas though hospital staff said that the mental health team don't want him released and think he needs to be sectioned.

I wish I could help him but I saw him today in hospital and they said last night he tore the cannula from his arm and had to be sedated. I sat with him this morning and all he did was look at a picture of his daughter he didn't talk or anything.

I'm speaking with his mum and sister as since we are not married his mum has to make the decision but the mental health team said he needs to be sectioned for his own safety as they mentioned his entire thought revolve around death and self harm and that he spent the time after she died he resorted to self harming as punishment and when he said the nightmares didn't stop he tried to push us all away so he could die alone.

I don't know how I can fix him as he told me he hates himself so much that I was right to cheat and he dosen't even consider himself to have a soul.

I'm now looking back and all those times he said he's had cut marks or injuries from work as he's a engineer i'm now thinking it's self harm.

Sorry to hear you're going through all this.

How has this situation been? From what I've read it has been extremely difficult for you. Understandably so. I may be able to offer some words that may help. Forgive me if they don't.

I have dealt with depression for most of my life. At times so deep and dark I can't be reached. I have never attempted self-harm or suicide. Mainly because I couldn't care enough to do it. It was too much of an effort. I'd stop eating, bathing, talking... I would lay in bed and watch a turned-off TV. Just stare at the blank screen for hours with the remote in my hand. I pushed everyone away from me. I was lucky enough to work through it.

This journey is something he needs to do on his own. Nothing you can do that can fill that vapid hole. My advice to you as someone who lives with a constant hole in them, someone who struggles every day. Be there for him. Support him. Tell him that it's OK. Tell him you love him. Listen to him. Let him know that you aren't going anywhere. Get him his favorite drink, snack, food, etc. just because.

It's the little things that help the most. It's knowing that no matter what happens there will be someone there to catch us. Someone who is not going to judge us. Someone who can love us.

I hope these words find you and can help you in some way.

It's been hard the first few months were difficult for us both he told us and the counsellor that he considers himself evil and the sole reason why his daughter died which medically was nothing to do with him. He choose to trust a doctors word over his and at the time girlfriends gut feeling until it got to a point where it was beyond help he they were both in the ER watching the life fade from there daughter.

There was an issue where the last 2 months hes come along great and we starting to see light at the end his ex made a move on him declaring she never stopped loving him but he choose me which I will admit partly was a surprise as I could have done better as a partner.

He's got a picture of his daughter up now which I think is a massive improvement and he talks about her much more.

Self harm was the major issue as during the recovery he mentioned that he would self harm often and hide it as work injuries he also would bin his anti seizure drugs which made his seizures come back.

During this time I learned more life skills as before I won't lie I wasn't very independent I couldn't really cook or iron or do any household tasks like budget but I had to learn and figure it out.

Well, you can take solace in him giving you a significantly more mature and non-criminal break-up than the one you had planned for him.

That's great news. It's hard losing someone close to you and even harder when you're the one who supposed to protect them. I absolutley understand why he would feel responsible for the death of his daughter. It's not his fault. Trusting a doctor with a medical problem is what everyone should be able to do and in most cases is the best possible option. My mother was sick for a long time and she passed away suddenly due to complications. I watched her rapidly decline within a matter of 48 hours and pass. It was by far one of the worst things I've ever experienced. I understood wanting to blame someone over it even if it was myself. Luckily I was able to work through that before it became a real issue for me and everyone around me. Sometimes I think being wired differently gave me a different perspective and aided me in that.

It's no surprise to me that he chose you. Especially since you were there for him through his darkest time. You never gave up. That means more than you might think.

I believe hard times are what makes us human. It's what defines us as people as well as strengthens us for the journey forward. The little worries and concerns you had before this event will seem so little now. I'm honestly glad that both of you are doing better. Something about your story hit me in a way that I felt compelled to reach out and not in the way of condolences. I just wanted to reassure you that you and your boyfriend are not alone and will never be alone.

I agree I won't excuse my behaviour I had a lot of mental issues going and when I look back I couldn't believe what I had and planned to do.

I learnt some hard lessons and I would like to think in some way I become a better person from it.

Well, good on you, then. For what it's worth, I hope you both make it through this.