How does this poem look?

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This poem was about being afraid of death, but it also became about breaking up with your first love and ending relationships. I can explain the imagery if anyone is curious. I'm part of an artists' club on instagram, and I don't know whether to post this.


They that crawl beneath your bed scuttle, and scurry, and scare
Those that sleep above your head hover, still in the air

My pulse skips its sixth beat after you close our door
And fifty-nine heaven pearls scatter on our floors

Take a hundred years, we’ll be two specks in the dust
My cottage, your kingdom have fallen to rust

So do I want my rhythm back?
or do I want to lose track?

I can’t turn my head
I’d be happier wed

you keep your gaze below the sky
and bodies sway, january eyes

you keep your gaze on the setting sun
all locks unlock, one by one

It looks good.

I sense that you want to feel secure, and that you want to get married.

I like it. You should start a thread if you write a lot. I did even if my stuff isn't great.

This is another poem, about how we spend so much of our lives analyzing the thoughts and beliefs of historical figures who have been dead for years. (It's not a critique, just an observation.)

what do we do
when their bodies move
but their hearts stay frozen in place?

where do we go
if new dreams cannot grow
without light, without hope, without space?

when I cup the hearts of yesterday
tight in my young, unsure palms

I forget the pulse within my own chest
not as bold, not as brave, not as strong

one day I’ll go down the path I’ve seen
before but never tried

it’s all quite strange, this human way
to live whilst not alive.

I think your poetry is really good! I enjoyed both of these poems and they have a sound/rhythm to them (if that makes sense?) that I found really flowed while reading. Thank you for sharing, I hope you continue to write and share when you feel comfortable doing so!

what do we do
when their bodies move
but their hearts stay frozen in place?

where do we go
if new hearts cannot grow
without light, without hope, without space?

when I feel the rhythms of yesterday
and try to walk along

I forget the pulse within my own chest
not as bold, not as brave, not as strong

one day I’ll go down the path I’ve seen
before but never tried

it’s all so strange, this human way
to live whilst not alive.

I revised it.

I like the flow of that.

Now, can you come up with 16 bars? If so, you've got a verse. Do it three times over you've got a whole song's worth of lyrics (minus a hook).