The Double Whammy (work related)

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Or triple, or quadruple for some of us. For me it's a double I am facing --let's call it-- strong negative bias at work based on gender and neurology (ASD). I am in the "favored" majority other ways.

My work group used to be inclusive for ASD ("weird" people, we're not public). Now the group is oppressive for most people with any variance from "norm". It's sad the social "ranks" are so obvious. First gender (male), then skin color (white), then neurology (NT), then sexuality (hetero/cis), etc. A white NT man has it the best and a woman of color with any other "abnormality" has it the worst. I'm somewhere in the middle.

I want to go somewhere that is inclusive for minorities (which includes women in tech and ASD). I'm fairly sure I can find a company inclusive for one or the other (as I did before) - but can I find both? Maybe I have to start a company. Ha. It's discouraging how much of the work world is still negative to women and minorities. I know from experience that even companies receiving awards for inclusivity are not generally inclusive.

I am glad to have gotten "this far" and yet frustrated by the ongoing social limitations.

Anybody relate? For better, or worse? Just the same?

So many ASD folks struggle to be gainfully employed. And for those that are, so many struggle to remain so. And then there is the double, triple, quadruple whammies...

When I used to work in an office, I found it helpful to have a white male who was my ally (in today's terms; that wasn't really talked about back then). He would voice my ideas in meetings with...hmm... shall we call them "less enlightened" male colleagues? (the jerks), and when the guys were super excited about the idea, he'd say something like, "yes, this was all her idea. Glad you agree her idea is best." I was able to bypass some of the BS that way. And over time, some of them did learn to just LISTEN to the females in the room.

But unless you find a company that is actively recruiting ASD candidates, you are likely to face issues if you don't/can't mask enough and seem "off." People find it very unnerving when others don't follow the social rules. On the bright side, you won't seem "dangerous" or "creepy" like males can to females when they unknowingly stand to close or whatever.

Another suggestion from my past...study the communication patterns of males vs females, and in professional communications, try to use more "male" syntax. I think part of why females get written off or ignored is because we are socialized to be self-deprecating and minimize our ideas. Unlearn that. Don't say "I think maybe we should..." or "Have you considered maybe..." Instead, say something like "We should do this" or "I've done the research, and the best option is..."

I hope some of that helps a bit.

Yes, helpful. Thank you.

RE: ideas - Did you have to instruct your allies how to do that (second the idea then redirect), or did they have that skill? My three allies have taken a first step of saying "and/or [her]" when they are given public credit for my projects, but my ideas are still "stolen" too often. This asserting oneself is rough. Unlearn, unlearn powerlessness --- learn Assertiveness.

My therapist suggests my particular workgroup is just too darn oppressive for the effort. For example, last year I started dropping the "probably"s and "maybe"s as you suggest -I saw it on an online video on a working women's parity website (great minds think alike!)- but then I was reprimanded for "presenting my opinion as fact". All I could muster in response, is that reality was the opposite --- hard to assert myself (talk) when my brain is on fire with injustice --- tying to learn/practice these skills so that they meld with my brain neurology - need a place where I am not "punished" so much for my efforts.

It may not work if your colleagues aren't open to changing their minds. And I did have a few guys decide I was mean or a b*%&^ or whatever because I spoke more bluntly, even in a relatively good office.

With my helpful white male colleague, I had a one on one conversation with him saying something along these lines:

"Luis and George are in the 3pm meeting, and they will dismiss my idea we just discussed if I propose it. Will you propose it for me, and please give me credit. I am happy if you'd like to mention we discussed it together before the meeting as well, but I am tired of good ideas being ignored just because a female voice said them in these meetings."

He was surprised, as he had not noticed the issue, but haply to help. And going forward, we often developed ideas together and thus did share the credit. I was less concerned about getting the credit though than just having all ideas fairly heard and considered. So when the couple of jerks who never changed were in charge of a meeting or decision, my male colleague continued to be the spokesperson.

Working in the government sector I find people seem to be relatively inclusive (up to a point).

It's actually a bit weird that people now seem to see me as some kind of technical guru, and come to ask for my opinions on things. Still got to work on developing the appropriate "gravitas" to meet their expectations

Of course, what people don't realise is that only I'm in a technical role by default - I flunked out of the pathway leading towards people-management and (because unfortunately the two go together) higher-level decision-making. This doesn't bother me too much as I quite enjoy the technical side of things - but it does mean I rely on getting appropriate recognition for what I do to maintain morale. Without that recognition I think it would be tough.

You were direct and assertive. Love it. I'm getting there.

I was sent this great cartoon about a woman's idea being better when translated by a man, but I can't find it online to share it. It made me laugh out loud! Exactly our experience.



Congratulations fellow SME (subject matter expert)! I relate to "gravitas" as owning our awesomeness.

I am at the point that I want to be a decision-maker because somebody needs to make productive decisions. I was told last year "you are smart, but you are not a leader". Wrong. I may lead differently, but I am a leader.

I'm glad your work environment seems to be relatively better. My ASD-like BFF worked for a discriminating county government role and recently moved to an inclusive state government. So much better she says.

Yes, I'm in a State Government Dept and it's the most autistic-friendly role I've had so far - mainly because the workforce is racially diverse so they're used to adjusting to people with different backgrounds and some of that spills over to neurodiversity as well - and also because I'm remote from the rest of my unit so get to work independently.

I did a short stint in a local government but had a back-stabbing, passive-aggressive boss who would have driven me nuts if I'd stayed longer.

Most of my career I was in consulting but as I advanced the requirement to manage junior staff and say the "right things" to clients led to serious burnout - of the 6-months-off-work kind.

Seems to me you probably need a change of work environment - but it's a bit of a risk whether you'll hit lucky or end up somewhere worse. It probably wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on the job ads though, in case something comes up.

Your experience sounds similar to my BFFs. We are so very different as individuals and yet social patterns are so similar.

Yes, a change in workplace, yes.

Thank you!