do relationships just not make any sense to you?

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I hope it's alright to post this here?

I am a lesbian woman if that's relevant. I am almost 26 and I have never dated long-term, let alone had sex. when people hear this they almost don't believe me, but I don't know I just never, connected with someone that way? and oh I tried, I really did, I used dating apps obsessively, but they didn't work for me and my life situation is complicated so it's not easy to find people my age in real life. I don't go clubbing since I fear being targeted by men and I don't feel safe drinking in public.

I became so scared that I will never be in a relationship or have sex that I started agreeing to hookup with people I wasn't attracted to, but I thought I am ugly so I shouldn't really have standards and just settle, and since no one wants to do romantic things with me like dating and bring someone flowers kind of thing I should just go for it, but when the date approaches to hookup I always cancel in fear, I get terrified of being hurt since I have history of trauma and abuse.

but I think I hit a major realization when I cancelled the last hookup I tried to make happen. I actually don't really..... get relationships? or sex? when I thought about being touched I was absolutely terrified of it, it felt like a violation even if I agree to it, being vulnerable and that close to someone just seemed... really not pleasant, and then I thought don't even want to be a in a relationship and why am I trying so hard to be in one or have sex?

suddenly everything started to make sense and I felt liberated, I was so caught up in "I want a gf" memes and culture, that I didn't even take time to question what I actually want? I was also seeking friends and spending time with others not because that's what I actually wanted but because I was terrified of having "no life", like my abusive brother used to shout at me cause I don't make an effort to socialize with others and just spend time alone, the "no life" thing became like a curse, I felt like I had to spend time with people, be in a relationship and be outdoorsy because that's what's "cool" and that's what society validates as a "success" and if you spend your time playing video games and watching shows you're a loser and no one likes you.

now, do I have people in my life I love? absolutely, my bestfriend is the one person I can tell everything to, and it's odd cause she is so different from me and sometimes can come off as judgey but it doesn't matter to me for some reason even though I am terrified of being judged, she is in another country though but when I used to live in the same country she was the one person I could tolerate spending more than hour with, everyone else is like "okay I am actually sick of you even if I love you very much can I please retreat to my safe space now? or at least look at my phone without it being rude?" I can actually be clingy to some people to the point of not recognizing boundaries and had to be told to f**k off, yeah it's weird how I can be like that when I value being alone it doesn't make sense. but for the most time I want to be alone and sometimes it offends people like my roommate.

and here is the thing, relationships seem more work than they are worth, I feel like even the healthiest and happiest couples fight, and fighting is so stressful and terrifying, and they have to compromise to make the relationship work, why would I compromise and make sacrifices? I feel like people in relationships put an act of being content and happy even to themselves but really they want different things from their partner or they are afraid of being alone so they stay, and I read stories of people throwing away their partner's belongings and if that ever happens to me I would feel absolutely broken, since one of my few hobbies are collecting items I find interesting/beautiful and it gives me a sense of security. the idea of sharing a room with someone and having someone who is there everyday feels suffocating, how does anyone tolerate it? I also don't understand how sex relates to love? "I love this person so much I am gonna give them an orgasm" in my mind romantic love and sexual desire don't seem to connect, it just doesn't make sense?

being with someone feels like putting a performance to make the other person happy and make the relationship work, is anyone really genuine? I am polite and kind to everyone and part of me enjoys being kind but also I can only tolerate putting on the "mask" and following social rules for so long before I need to go home and recharge, being in a relationship would feel like I will be performing full-time, cause unfiltered I am an awful person, who is genuinely gross and just downright weird.

I don't know whether it's because I have trauma and never had healthy relationships with my family or because I am autistic? cause when it comes to fiction I absolutely adore couples and shipping characters together, I like nsfw artworks as well if they are not too graphic, and it feels like a safe way to explore it without the hurt and drama, it's more of an idealized version of something that I don't think really translates well in real life.

anyone else feels the same way?

Yes.

From what you wrote you just sound like you need to step out of your comfort zone and try new things.

It's ok for people to touch you, you're not going to implode. The more you do it the less weird it becomes over time so keep doing it.

Go to a lesbian bar, most places have their own designated lesbian area. Just go there and try to befriend them first - ask around if they know any autistic girls maybe. They aren't horrible people, lesbians are usually quite supportive of each other.

I used to go in lesbian bars with my friends for the cheap drinks, they are so nice to you it's unreal.

Just keep trying, you will get somewhere eventually. You need to keep learning and getting used to it all so you know exactly how to behave and know what to say so the more you go and do stuff the better it will become over time and the more you will understand.

You're not gonna learn those kinda life skills just off the internet, you have to go into the outside and learn for yourself or you will just be as confused as you are now forever.

All the best, I'm sure you can get somewhere.