Are You An Outsider?

Post Reply New Topic

Very lonely, but not good with people.

I remember in childhood and teenage hood that I was experience the world in a dream-like state/spaced out with phycotic-type sensory hallucinations in public (unusual sensory experiences), rather than having the natural ability to bounce of people's verbal communication and inter-personally connect to people naturally but No, I never consciously felt like an outsider, sometimes felt/feel isolated, just that I was experiencing the world stronger and as an outsider and in my own world , I was an awkward child and teenager around people and possibly developed some paranoid traits when I begun getting bullied . A memory is my first smell of cannabis from a hippy when I was about 7, the smell ran through my senses and body . I wasn't able to process sensory information in public and spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling watching the room breathe at home and listening to the world in motion around me , maybe I accidentally inhaled some of their cannabis , so in that sense, I was an outsider amongst in socially motion people . I had a weird childhood and teenage hood . I've kind of broke the looking glass more recently and have reduced cognitive abilities since education ended . I was dependant on school and college to express myself in creative writing and music rather than sociability but did start a band with other outsiders , I was outsider amongst outsiders then and it was overwhelming but the best time of my life , possibly exctecy . Literal exctecy was ok too .

I don't know how the future lies. It just lies so often so I don't know.

Sometimes I can fit in...for a while.

But it's exhausting.

Following every conversation, reacting to every statement, watching faces to note nuances and tailoring responses to changes in them...all of it quickly empties the tank of my psyche.

And if another person or two show up, and I have to start over...

A lot of times, I know very well how to fit in, in most situations. But, I dont always have the courage or self confidence to go and start a conversation with someone else, especially not women. Other times, certain situations feel uncomfortable for a conversation, atleast for me. So I dont try and start any social setting.

I feel like I'm not 100% like everyone else is in certain situations, but sometimes its simply because others in that situation are too different than me, and I wouldnt feel that way if I was in a group of people who have similar interests to mine, or similar personalities. I also dont necessarily feel like I need to have many friends in order to succeed in certain things, or that possibly, some friends would make me feel annoyed or miserable, so I avoid talking to them.

But, with the current coronavirus, I must admit even when I know how to do it and can think of situations to be in that would go well, the coronavirus ruins my plans. Also, financial difficulties are another problem due to unemployment.