07 Oct 2020, 7:25 pm
Even though I have done quite a few things in my life, I feel like I have not grown up yet. I feel like I would get asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" sort of feeling. It is wierd because on the one hand I have pushed and pushed and pushed myself in life and later ended up in burnout and burnout and burnout to the point where I can't risk taking another job at the moment because I realized if I do and I hit another burnout I would end up physically dissabled (I kind of had to stop pushing myself as I have had such a hammering... The wierd thing is that for me I was really pushing myself to the limit and beyond but to another person it is as if they are freewheeling!)
But at the same time as all that I still feel like I was when I was a child. I sort if have not grown up yet and I am waiting to be a "Man"...
Yet age wize I am an adult. But I think of myself as if I am about 24?
You know the silly thing about it is I see others around that age and I think I am as well and then I realize when I may smile at them, by the look on their faces I realize I am not their age at all... And I feel like I am a 24 year old that has woken up after being in a coma and found out he is actually twice that age!
But if I did not keep slipping into the "Fragile" feeling which I have had when I had the last burnout and due to further stresses I have been having this fragile come one me again and again and again... But if I had recovered from the last burnout and the ones I had before... I would feel like a proper 24 year old waiting to start my life.
My youngest brother is around 30 and he has been married for a few years. My Dad was married when he was around 23. My Mum was 20. I actually feel like I have lost half my life and I have been "Playing" at life rather than living?
Uhmmm. I do not know what I am describing here. Is there something wrong with me? I feel like I have missed out on life somehow? I feel like because I did not do "Normal" things in my teenage years, that I have lost out?
My Mum said before that if I had not buried myself in trains I would have noticed the outside world... (Or something life that. I rembember the "Buried myself in trains" part... Is like the "Trains" part got my attention! 
But is how I feel normal for someone like me? Or do I need to think of myself as an older man?
I actually don't know anymore because I kind of feel lost? Lost on Earth... (LostonEarth... I get your username! HAHA! 
).
But am I normal? I don't feel normal. What is normal anyway?
