My partner won’t acknowledge he has aspergers

Post Reply New Topic

Hi,

I have been going out with my partner for almost 4 years, I always thought he wasn’t telling me something about himself, and one day when we had to fill some forms out due to my daughter from a previous relationship having cancer he decided to tell me he has Aspergers and has been diagnosed since he was a kid, apart from feeling lied to from him and his family, and going through a very hard time with my daughter so wasn’t able to properly talk with him about it but have tried to since, he now continues to deny/ refuses to connect the communication issues we have in our relationship and the fact he can’t get the jobs he is going for( he doesn’t want to join in any group sports or volunteering even for a few months) which I know will give him the extra edge for getting his dream job( I’ve only suggested these a few time’s,As it’s his choice, but he has low motivation whereas mines is really high for stuff like this and I hate to see him spending hours and hours on job applications to get nowhere and being sad as he can’t get the jobs he wants and deserves as he is such an intelligent and hardworking guy ) I feel like I should be able to be honest with my partner, but it’s like talking to a brick wall...

I love him, and want to be engaged to be married one day and have kids( he has a ring, and has discussed marriage an children with me, but hasn’t committed to this next step yet)... I feel like if he can’t even accept himself and is living in denial about who he is and his Aspergers then I don’t know how our relationship can progress..

He is very loving at times, but other times he will storm of in the huff instead of just clarifying things, instead of talking about things he will shut down and gnome things, if he is like this at home it makes me wonder what he like at work... he gets on with everyone he meets as he is such a great guy, but he has no friends, his parents always say to me they worry about this, as if it’s my issues to fix...other people don’t see how we could have any issues as they think he is a great guy, but they don’t have to be around him all the time at home... frustrated, sad and don’t know what to do anymore... any advice would be great

Hope all issues will be sorted.

Hi Beanie - You have every right to feel as you do, and I can imagine the frustration, having experienced the same. How he behaves at work ... is irrelevant to how he’s behaving at home as he is autistic. There are often different “selves” for different “settings”. (I had the same questions running through my mind with an ex). I later found out exactly how he behaved at work ...

Since he’s now disclosed the diagnosis to you, and since this is a partnership, your happiness matters just as much as his does. There’s no excuse for him in not addressing any of his behaviours and expecting you to simply deal with it and its impact on your relationship.

Loving somebody, being there for them, supportive for the long-term and making sacrifices to your own well-being and that of your current and possible future children is huge. You have a choice at all times in this. He needs to be equally invested in this for it to truly work. From this point on, now with the knowledge that the communication issues are there for a reason, you have every right to expect him to work with you, not against you.

Your answers to his self-improvement, well-intentioned, are not likely to have a positive outcome, as they’re geared toward a neurotypical mind. eg Encouraging him to engage in group sports might not “help” him, in fact might cause other issues. Being autistic = functioning best on your own, not “being social”. Being “on” at work is unbelievably draining for someone on the spectrum, just as being social is. There’s a price to be paid on health. A person on the spectrum can run their own business, be married, have children, be successful in life, but it’s pretty much guaranteed that she/he will be paying a cost and that over time, something will give. Breaks are important.

Job-wise, finding work in fields that allow him to thrive by not expecting him to be “social” and letting him get on with the things he does best, is crucial. The percentage of those on the spectrum who are unemployed is enormously high.

Many Aspies are bullied in school. It goes beyond this, they are tortured and held to great ridicule. As a result they build up a shell, like a turtle. They reject all criticism out of hand. They do this for their own sanity. In a sense these scars will stay with him all his life, buried deep down inside him.

There are two types of criticism. These are destructive criticism and constructive criticism. They are very different. In constructive criticism a person tries to help someone become a better version of themselves. So I recommend you explore this subject and then try and convey that you love him and would not hurt him and only want what is best for him. If he can learn this, then the prospects of creating a yin-yang marriage will improve dramatically.



I am guessing that you are an extrovert and your partner is an introvert. Most male Aspies are introverts. Each individual has different strengths and weaknesses. Aspies are just a little bit more extreme. In joining together in marriage, the couple is better capable of dealing with whatever challenges the world throws their way. Combining an Introvert and Extrovert personality is a good fit together. It is trying to capture a trait which he does not possess, a trait that will help to make him appear more normal in society.

I have been married for 46 years and I would describe my marriage as a yin-yang marriage. When it comes to social interaction I rely on her judgement completely. I let her pick out the clothes I wear. I let her criticize me and I value her judgement. It works because I trust her and I know it is constructive criticism.

Thanks for the replies, still trying to figure out how to reply back, my messages keep disappearing.

I am aware the hard time aspies have at school, and the hard time he has had growing up and how this has affected him, we have been through a lot as a young couple, and feel like if he doesn’t trust me after 4 years to open up even a smidge and chat with me about his and my feeling then will he ever? And to have kids together, it’s so important to talk about feelings with them, they mirror you, learn from you.. I don’t want them going into relationships thinking it’s okay not to do this storm off ect...

I always try to give constructive criticism, and sometimes it takes a few days for him to come around, and says he knows I’m just saying things in his best interests, but this is sometimes exhausting for me, for me it’s straight forward for him things takes weeks or months to understand, if he is allowed time to re-charge is the relationships and I have to give allowances, I feel he also has to look after me and make allowances for my needs...




In a socail setting, my partner trust me with helping him with what to wear ect, he relies less on alcohol to get through such things as I reassure him that he people enjoy his company, and he feels more relaxed when we do these things together,

I wouldn’t say I’m an extrovert, but out of both of us I guess I am... but I can understand his feeling and worries and inabilities sometimes as it takes me months or years to open up fully to people I don’t know, so in a neurotypical sense I’m still an introvert...

And a yin- and yang marriage sounds great, but what does the other person bring if they arnt willing to work on it/ acknowledge what they don’t bring...

Also he wasn’t a job in the police, I didn’t see how they will let him in knowing he isn’t part of any teAm sports/ hasn’t done any group volunteering ( would these things not help him build skills and confidence for his dream jobs) I’ve had to volunteer and do things for jobs that weren’t great and put a lot of pressure on me but I knew it was time limited and got me the jobs I wmated in the end.. I feel like it’s just one fixed route of doing something with no allowance for advice or support from myself...

I have reassured him that I’ll love him no matter what job he does aslong as he contributes in the relationship as equally as he can/is able, as I know he works hard, but he puts a lot of pressure on himself and so does his dad to have a “better” job... this comes from him not me...

I feel like someone who just pays half the bills, cooks, cleans ect is an emotional connection possible? I thought we had one, at differing times..Does he just need emotional breaks sometimes?

And I’m so glad to hear you have had a successful marriage of so many years, it makes me hopeful

Aspies will sometimes have a little difficulty processing advise. Normally they need to sleep on it and during their sleep they think things through from a logical perspective. So if you urge him to do something, give him a night to digest it. Do not expect an immediate reaction.

One of the problems that many Aspies share has to do with coordination. I cannot dance for the life of me. When someone is moving in one direction, I am moving in the other direction. I am out of sync. It is one of the reasons why I was never any good at group sports. His dislike for group sports may be do to this deficit.

But I do like your idea of getting him to do some specific types of exercise. It could really help him immensely in my opinion. But my focus is on stress. Aspies encounter significantly more stress than the average person. Stress unless it is vented will be stored in the body, in the muscles and nervous system. It is chemical in nature. It is chains of hormones that are released in the body. If this stress in his body is not vented then it can build to a point where it overfills and can explode. Stress unless vented can transition into distress. Some forms of distress result in panic attack, trauma and PTSD. One of the methods for venting stress is very specific exercises.

Now your partner not only has a high amount of stored stress but the occupation of being in law enforcement is one of the most stressful jobs out there. Therefore, he is looking into looming disaster, in my humble opinion, unless he can learn techniques for venting the stress to bring his body back to a state of equilibrium. This state is normally referred to as homeostasis.

Stress chemical energy is stored in 6 areas of the body. These are the two arms, the two legs, the neck and the core.
-------------------------
To vent stress energy in the legs and the arms it takes a specific type of exercise called Maximal or Supramaximal exercise, interspersed with passive recovery intervals. For example, to vent stress buildup in the legs, he could run 50 yard dashes like his life depended on it. They take around 6 seconds. Then have a recovery interval of a minute. If he does 10 of these, he will deplete much of this stress energy in his legs. A similar process can be used for the arms. Have him find a punching bag and strike the bag as fast as he can until his arms become a blur. He doesn't have to strike the punching bag hard, just feather touch it. The important thing is the speed that he moves his arms. Do this for 6 seconds with a recovery interval of a minute between burst. Do this 10 times and he will have vented this chemical energy from his arms. If you think about team sports such as basketball, that really is maximal or supramaximal exercise. And that is why team sports is almost a given for individuals working in law enforcement. It helps them cope with the extreme stress that they endure. Now your partner doesn't need to do team sports but he must learn to do maximal or supramaximal exercises to succeed in law enforcement.
-------------------------
Now how do you vent stress energy in the neck? It is quite simple. He must scream at the top of his lungs.
One needs to vent the stored stress energy in their neck muscles, vocal cords, and jaw. The best way is to scream at the top of your lungs several times. But this must be done in a socially acceptable manner. Never scream at a person. I live in the rural countryside and my dog is a free-range dog. When it is mealtime and my dog is up and about; I call my dog very loudly.

R-o-c-k-y. Come here puppy. R-o-c-k-y.
R-o-c-k-y. Where are you puppy? R-o-c-k-y.
R-o-c-k-y. Come here puppy.

I yell so loud that I can hear my voice being echoed back to me from nearby hills and mountains. My voice carries about a mile. The call is so strong that it borders on a roar. It is a very good feeling. It gives me a sense of great strength, like I could split a mountain in two just with my voice alone. I feel strong to my core. It is a great stress reliever or normalizer. And it is socially acceptable in the countryside.

One might try howling like a wolf at the moon. There is an individual in New York City that howls at the subway cars as they pass by deep down in the subway stations. But there are other ways to scream in a socially acceptable manner. A singer can do this if it is a very powerful song. A barker in the county fair can do this. A fan at a rock concert can sing along at the top of their lungs. Some commuters sing along to the tune on the radio at the top of their lungs while they are driving down the road. A spectator at a sports event can do this in cheering on their team. Even a Girl Scout can practice barking in front of the local grocery store when she sells Girl Scout cookies. Or find yourself a soundproof room.
-------------------------
How do you vent stored stress energy in your core. This is done with a very unusual exercise that puts your body in a trembling state. This trembling is called a “neurogenic tremors”. In humans we are taught at an early age to control and inhibit this natural trembling response. As a result, this core stress is allowed to build up and negatively affect our bodies.

This type of exercise was developed by David Berceli and is called “TRE - Trauma Releasing Exercises”. This YouTube video provides a quick introduction.

That’s right.....I am the Wolfman!

This person is a fully grown adult; his problems are his to fix and not yours, his having Asperger's doesn't change that.

If he won't discuss things with you, there can be no healthy relationship, and if he has serious problems with finding employment, he won't be a reliable provider for future children. I'd give him an ultimatum to at least be more communicative and then end the relationship if he doesn't commit to trying to improve.

Your description of the relationship suggests that neither of you should be jumping the gun to a long-term committed relationship at this point.

If he is like many aspies, the thought of volunteering in a socially-oriented field is terrifying, but he can't explain why he can't do it, so that when you try and talk about it he shuts down. It might seem to you like he's capable of doing it, but the stress for him might be too much.
But that's just one possible scenario, alternatively he could just be lacking motivation, or just not mature enough for a long term relationship.
It's hard to tell with us aspies as we're generally not good at talking personal things through, and often being asked to agree to do certain things feels like extra pressure we can't handle and can lead to strife.

I would say, the important points are these: does he recognise his disability? Is he willing to seek help for it, when it interferes in the relationship? And are you willing to take on a partner with a disability, and accept the difficulties that come with that?

Many many aspies do not fully recognise their own disability. And many many neurotypicals expect their aspie partners ought to be able to do things they are actually not wired for. It causes all kinds of issues in relationships until both parties have worked out a balance point which will satisfy both their needs.

Not sure if that helps, it's just hard to give you a firm answer without knowing a lot more about both of you.

Oh, actually, I do have one suggestion.
Make sure you schedule times for talking about things.
He'll likely be much more receptive to a discussion if he has already set aside time in his schedule to do that.
Much better than springing things on him.
It's usually not a question of not being willing to discuss so much as our brains finding it incredibly difficult to handle a discussion, for various reasons. For instance, because the autistic brain is really, really "sticky", we get stuck thinking on certain things and it's painful to try and suddenly change gears.
So much better if we have the discussion booked in on a schedule.

Oh yeah, another thing.
Be really specific about what you are needing and expecting from him.
Quite likely he has absolutely no idea how much you are struggling. We do not pick up on nonverbal clues, subtext and the like.
So during discussion time, just tell him gently what you are finding difficult about the relationship and ask him if he has any ideas what to do about it. Don't place any demands on him "you ought to do xyz", just state the problem and see what he has to say.

I also have autism with dd which is a hand full for someone to put up with but my wife knows about problems and is a great care giver.