Entire lack of social anxiety

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I developed social anxiety as a disorder when I was in my first full time 'job' and trying for proper jobs. What caused it was constantly being told there was something wrong with me, from what I talked about to my body language to my politics to my sexuality etc.

Before that?

I didn't have a normal level of it.

I lacked it entirely.

I think that's good. To be that free, especially in teenage yeras when most kids are so obsessed with everything being 'embarrassing'. To do everything either because it's the logical thing to do (wear clothes when it's cold! wear glasses so you can see! listen to people so you know what's being said! take medicine!), the moral thing to do (don't hit people! don't rob stuff!) or because you genuinely enjoy it and it's your natural way of being.

I think it's teenage years that rob NTs of it. Or maybe starting school for some I think all children have that sense of freedom.

But mainstream society esp the capitalist workplace doesn't want people like that. It wants people with the 'right' level of social anxiety - where you can function but would never dream of wearing jeans to an interview or slouching when you sit or admitting to where your strengths or weaknesses are (you're not allowed to 'brag' or lack confidence).

I wish I could cure myself back to how I was for the first 22 years of my life. I would still be me but I would have immense confidence which I lack now.

I had a form of anxiety at age 10.
Not diagnosed, but it doesn't make it less disruptive.
It was bad enough to make me quit school.
It only lasted 7+ years or so years.


How I got over it? I'm not even sure myself. I really wish I can describe it.


It could be just a form of transcended acceptance.
It could be just true forgiveness -- one that reaches the subconscious.

It could be a leap of faith, with some amount of recklessness and it worked.

Or it could just be a form of awareness, able to let unwanted thoughts flow while not identifying it (or denying it actively) and do whatever was above.
Until a part of me do realized just how unwanted and useless these thoughts and feelings are, until such thoughts do not arrive in an abrupt way anymore.

Til there is no more negative loops -- thoughts happens in loops; loops that only requires your reaction in order to 'survive'.

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As a child I had social anxiety with some things but not others. For example, I lacked self-awareness and done embarrassing things, yet I was often really nervous of standing up and talking in front of the class.

In my late teens and early 20s I became extremely self-aware and my social anxiety was so severe, but now my social anxiety has gotten less severe over the last few years (but my self-awareness is still the same). So now I feel more normal.

For me I used to believe that if people don't know you they won't judge you. So I'd do embarrassing things and my friends would get on to me about it saying how embarrassing I am, and I thought "but other people don't know us, so how can they judge?"
But as I got older I learnt that strangers are the worst at judging you, and knowing this has made me more socially anxious around strangers than when I'm around people I know.
You can never be too comfortable with strangers like you can with friends and family. I seem to feel less sensitive with people I know judging me than people I don't know judging me. Strangers only judge what they see. They don't know, care or understand what is going on in your life and why you might behave a certain way.
I try to understand strangers though. Like if I saw someone with 3 legs, yes it would automatically attract my attention but I wouldn't make it obvious to that person that I'm looking. I'll look discreetly (out of curiosity), and not judge that person or make it obvious that I'm staring, because I can empathise how insecure staring at a person who's different might make them feel. They are not a threat to me, they just have a deformity or disability. Their feelings are just as valid as mine.

Up until I was around 12 I'd say I had minimal self awareness and very slight social anxiety. Then I progressively developed more self awareness, which gave me a lot of social anxiety because I started overanalyzing everything I do and how everyone reacts to the things I do.

I don't really know how else to "keep myself in check", and not paying attention to everything like that actually gives me anxiety because I am now painfully aware that it's very likely I can mess up without realizing it or noticing someone's reaction to it.

The only reason I'm as good as I am at recognizing facial expressions and tone is because I trained myself to tell when and exactly how someone is disapproving of what I'm doing, I had no recognition of any of that when I was a kid so I forced myself to learn it. lol

I lacked social anxiety until I was 10. My social anxiety heightened during puberty.

You might be interested in Erik Erikson's Social Development Stages.

Or Piaget, for the early stages

Or Bowlby.

There are others but you may find some of these fit with your own experience of social development.

Freud was a bit creepy for me with his psychosexual stages.

LOL.....If I were living according Erik Ericson's ideas, I would be way behind in my "stages."

According to Ericson, I would still be a young adult before having any children