16 Mar 2021, 11:38 pm
I'm 35 years old and have been masking my entire life. It's exhausted me, and I can't do it anymore.
I have known that I have Asperger's (ASD? I prefer Asperger's.) since I discovered the term when I was 19. Asperger's then became a special interest of mine, leading me to go to school for early childhood education with an emphasis in special needs, and now I am working for a company that works with children and adults on the spectrum.
It wasn't until within the last few years that anyone mentioned it in relation to me. Two separate times, in conversations that were unrelated to me, my Dad -who is a clinical psychologist- decided to throw in, nonchalantly, that -and I quote- "You have a touch of autism". Both times I didn't even acknowledge the comment partly because I didn't know how to approach it or react to it. I was unnerved by, my father and a mental health professional, making such a life-altering statement as if he were telling me that I have something in my teeth and in such an ignorant way. Not to mention, he has to have known that I am on the spectrum since I was a child, (There was no shortage of signs. For starters, I was born over three months premature and research shows that those with a low birth weight are five times more likely to have autism.), and left me to white-knuckle my way through life.
Anyway, lately I have been experiencing general anxiety, which I think has been amplifying my autistic traits, which I've been trying to work around, which is causing me more stress and exhaustion. I feel like I'm about to shutdown. I'm burned out due to my relationship, school and starting a new job- reviewing for a final and taking in a ton of training information for work in the same week/having a 100 pt. final and a certification exam for work on the same day doesn't help.
With all this said, I'm going to bite the bullet and have a sit down talk with my father about me being on the spectrum, if not this weekend, very soon. It's going to be uncomfortable, to say the least, as my Dad does not like serious discussions, and when I was younger and suffering from (and officially diagnosed with) Major Depressive Disorder and Social Phobia, and would explain to him my struggles, he would scoff and tell me how good I have it, how he sees clients that "are in wheelchairs and get up at 5 AM, catch the bus, and look for work", and how I was using depression and anxiety as excuses... 
. Hence, bite the bullet.
It would be a massive relief for him to (further) acknowledge, and elaborate on, me having autism, and it would doubly count as an official diagnosis, which I, personally, would like to have.
Are you masking?
For those of you who no longer mask, what lead to you "taking off the mask"? What was it like freeing yourself and doing such things as stimming in public, etc.?
Any advice on telling others that you have autism?
Thank you for reading, and I will appreciate any and all feedback!
~Blair
17 Mar 2021, 7:24 am
17 Mar 2021, 7:49 am
17 Mar 2021, 11:20 pm
For those of you who no longer mask, what lead to you "taking off the mask"? What was it like freeing yourself and doing such things as stimming in public, etc.?
Any advice on telling others that you have autism?
Thank you for reading, and I will appreciate any and all feedback!
I wear a mask but it is a different form of masking. I do not mask to socially fit within society. Rather I mask as an introverted adult male. You see, I am a child at heart. Since around 50 percent of the world's population are introverts and the rest extroverts, this is simple to mask as an adult and is not stressful. As a result I own myself. I am a non-conformist. In years gone by, this term really described the outliers. The following are quotes about non-conformist.
Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. – Rob Siltanen: Apple, "Think Different" campaign
It gives me great pleasure indeed to see the stubbornness of an incorrigible nonconformist warmly acclaimed. - Albert Einstein
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. - Mark Twain
Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road. - Voltaire
Not all those who wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. - Winston Churchill
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
A "normal" person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, "Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray." - Alan Sherman
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche
The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain. - Colin Wilson
Freedom began on the day the first sheep wandered away from the herd. ― Marty Rubin
Good for you! If your familiar with Myers-Briggs personality typology, I am an INFJ. Thank you for sharing the quotes; a few of them have been favorites of mine for years!
17 Mar 2021, 11:46 pm
I had someone who was a health professional come up to tell me that I need to be assessed because (And he listed many traits he saw in me). I did not get to hear the traits as I was needed elsewhere but he told my brother, who could only remember something about eye contact and thought it was funny, as he was most amused by a stranger coming up and saying I had autism traits at a social event which I was not really that keen to be in. (Not that I don't like the people. Is just too many of them in one place at the same time and suddenly being asked to do things without warning etc that stresses me! I don't like it when everyone talks in a large gathering at the same time. When a large group is quiet and listening to someone speak I am fine as long as I am sitting on an edge of an isle at the back near the exit doors as I don't like being hemmed in).
Masking though. I found that I do three types of masking. Two I have automatically developed since a young child, and the third I developed as a teenager onwards and this third one can be the most awkward and tiring as if it does not work, I feel that I have no way of connecting with other people, and I can only do this masking for a certain length of time, so a pattern throughout my life is that I would keep changing workplaces so I could have new groups of people I was working with so I could re-start the masking because I found that though I hate change and I like to get into a nice work routine, at the same time, when the masking starts breaking down, life starts to collapse around me in the workplace which results in burnout and me handing in my notice even though I do not have anywhere else I can go to, and I would not be able to do much until I recover from the burnout as I would get another deeper one if I don't spend a year or three inbetween jobs recovering. (I say three because I am estimating how long it takes for me to recover and I have passed a year ad a half since the last burnout and I feel like (In a mental way) that due to this virus stress, that I am back where I was a month or two after having had the last burnout back in september of 2019. The only chance I have to start to pull out of it is to try to ignore covid as much as possible which means avoiding all shops and things like that. Seeing people in masks panics me because I have a thing about not being able to see peoples faces as I have prosopragnosia and though I naturally avoid eye contact, the thought that I don't know anyone unless they know me (I can't wear a mask) makes me panic, because I have lost so many people in my life due to the condition that life gets lonely and confusing! But also, as I also don't even remember their names, is suddenly lots of people recognize me and I am not sure who they are, I dare not ask incase the person is offended (Hence one can loose friends that way as well as they don't believe the condition exists) and I have also made the effort to say hello to people who I think I know and find I am speaking to a rather puzzled complete stranger which is also embarissing!)
I immediately thought of my Dad when I first learned of the spectrum; his Dad was more obviously so.
I too can't stand large gatherings of people with everyone talking at the same time! In such environments, I just slink off to the bathroom/a quiet room/outside for a breather, go visit with a pet, etc.
That is an interesting way of masking/coping. I understand it, but yeah, that sounds exhausting. I haven't had a job in just over two years (aside from taking care of my sister's son), and I am overwhelmed with starting this new job. I can only imagine how stressful and embarrassing prosopragnosia in addition to people wearing masks. Is it possible to have an instance of prosopragnosia? The reason I ask is because one time when I was a sales associate, I had been assisting a woman for a sufficient amount of time, around twenty minutes or so. She walked away for only a brief minute or two, came back to me, and I didn't recognize her one bit, and it was a shock not just to me, but to her, and it was confusing and embarrassing.
...I feel for you! *virtual hug*
If you ever want to share, or just chit chat, feel free to message me.
~Blair
18 Mar 2021, 8:15 am
