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Dream Job

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browneyedgirlslowingdown
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04 May 2021, 11:04 pm

I had an interview this week, and it was my dream job. Or at least I thought it was. The interview went over by an hour, and they liked me a ton. After I was really excited and jumping around, I crashed, and the crash lasted through the next day. I laid in bed, and my brain was mushy, and I was just drained, overstimulated, and anxious.

For the interview, I dressed up like someone really smart, confident, and strong. Even though I don't really feel that way most days. During the interview, I was talking, joking, attentive, forcing eye contact, trying really hard, and sometimes just automatically parroting or mirroring their expression, tone, and interest. I am really good at that. Too good, almost gifted, I would say.

Then I thought about it, can I really do this? Every day, I like the job, but I don't want the interaction with the staff, the constant meetings, and spending time together, the work sure, but not the rest of it, I can't do it. I want to be that girl sometimes, but she isn't me. She's just the thing that happens to me when I am in environments like that, I don't even remember what was said or what really happened, only that they really liked me, or at least I think.

I don't want to do that kind of thing anymore. I don't want to be that again.

That's not the job for me.



kitesandtrainsandcats
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05 May 2021, 12:02 am

browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
I don't want to do that kind of thing anymore. I don't want to be that again.
That's not the job for me.


After that after-interview crash, a question arises of how much time spent trying to be a person you are very much not will pass before that energy drain leads to burnout or crash?

I've been down that road and the consequences were serious, a health crash in 1994-1995 which now affects me for the rest of my life and gets in the way of living life.

True, my health was imperfect to begin with with, but playing the specific working-for-a-living game I was at the time was not the smartest thing I ever did.


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browneyedgirlslowingdown
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05 May 2021, 12:20 am

I am just now realizing I have been doing this, I have thought something was wrong with me or different for a very long time, but the more I read about ASD the more I understand what I am doing. I am looking for work now that is not forcing me to be this pretend girl anymore. Its been so hard, last two years at old job I was hazed, teased, abused, and I struggled so much. I am looking for something better now. I have to work, I don't have a choice.



kitesandtrainsandcats
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05 May 2021, 12:31 am

browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
I have to work, I don't have a choice.

Mmm, that alone is quite a bit of baseline stress.
And hazing and such on top of that certainly doesn't reduce stress.

Though I'm a bit short on magic perfect solutions I will wish you success and fulfillment.


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browneyedgirlslowingdown
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05 May 2021, 8:54 am

kitesandtrainsandcats wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
I have to work, I don't have a choice.

Mmm, that alone is quite a bit of baseline stress.
And hazing and such on top of that certainly doesn't reduce stress.

Though I'm a bit short on magic perfect solutions I will wish you success and fulfillment.


Thank you, my parents are both dead. I have no family to care for me, and I have been on my own since I was about 14. I have several wounds from just being left out in the world without supervision as you can imagine, but my adaptive skills primarily masking and pretending are the strongest adaptive skill I have. With that said it explains the nonstop anxiety and depression. I am trying to change my life now to accommodate for my weaknesses and strengths as before I was holding myself to an NT standard. I don't want to anymore.



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05 May 2021, 9:21 am

browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
I had an interview this week, and it was my dream job. Or at least I thought it was. The interview went over by an hour, and they liked me a ton. After I was really excited and jumping around, I crashed, and the crash lasted through the next day. I laid in bed, and my brain was mushy, and I was just drained, overstimulated, and anxious.

For the interview, I dressed up like someone really smart, confident, and strong. Even though I don't really feel that way most days. During the interview, I was talking, joking, attentive, forcing eye contact, trying really hard, and sometimes just automatically parroting or mirroring their expression, tone, and interest. I am really good at that. Too good, almost gifted, I would say.

Then I thought about it, can I really do this? Every day, I like the job, but I don't want the interaction with the staff, the constant meetings, and spending time together, the work sure, but not the rest of it, I can't do it. I want to be that girl sometimes, but she isn't me. She's just the thing that happens to me when I am in environments like that, I don't even remember what was said or what really happened, only that they really liked me, or at least I think.

I don't want to do that kind of thing anymore. I don't want to be that again.

That's not the job for me.


I have done just that in the past. Mirrored everything to be an ideal person for the job.

I did not know this was all masking. I did it because I had trained myself to do it. It was not the natural me. It was a mask and was extremely energy draining as well... One that is very hard to keep up...


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browneyedgirlslowingdown
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05 May 2021, 9:26 am

Mountain Goat wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
I had an interview this week, and it was my dream job. Or at least I thought it was. The interview went over by an hour, and they liked me a ton. After I was really excited and jumping around, I crashed, and the crash lasted through the next day. I laid in bed, and my brain was mushy, and I was just drained, overstimulated, and anxious.

For the interview, I dressed up like someone really smart, confident, and strong. Even though I don't really feel that way most days. During the interview, I was talking, joking, attentive, forcing eye contact, trying really hard, and sometimes just automatically parroting or mirroring their expression, tone, and interest. I am really good at that. Too good, almost gifted, I would say.

Then I thought about it, can I really do this? Every day, I like the job, but I don't want the interaction with the staff, the constant meetings, and spending time together, the work sure, but not the rest of it, I can't do it. I want to be that girl sometimes, but she isn't me. She's just the thing that happens to me when I am in environments like that, I don't even remember what was said or what really happened, only that they really liked me, or at least I think.

I don't want to do that kind of thing anymore. I don't want to be that again.

That's not the job for me.


I have done just that in the past. Mirrored everything to be an ideal person for the job.

I did not know this was all masking. I did it because I had trained myself to do it. It was not the natural me. It was a mask and was extremely energy draining as well... One that is very hard to keep up...


Exactly, that particular position would require constant ongoing interaction 5 days a week for 8 hours a day. Connection itself would be required of me, which I cannot handle or maintain for much time. When I do it, it kills me and makes me difficult for my own children and pup. I want to use my energy for my loved ones that need that from me, not with strangers at work.

I have other options where I have much less interaction and more time in independent work, which I think is a better fit. In the past, I would have forced myself, but I won't now, or in the future.



shortfatbalduglyman
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05 May 2021, 9:33 am

Not everyone works at their ideal job

"Your ideal job is someone else's ideal job. What gives you the edge?"

"Beggars can't be choosers"

Not everyone likes the same thing

The interviewers might have been trying to be polite and professional. Just because they acted like they liked you, doesn't mean they liked you (facade) (masking)

Even if they liked you they might like a different candidate more

Plenty of job interviewers acted like they liked me and, (almost) none of them hired me

They might or might not hire you

Many states "at will" employer. Some candidates get fired the third day. Some companies made my worthless corpse redundant the third day



browneyedgirlslowingdown
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05 May 2021, 9:56 am

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
Not everyone works at their ideal job

"Your ideal job is someone else's ideal job. What gives you the edge?"

"Beggars can't be choosers"

Not everyone likes the same thing

The interviewers might have been trying to be polite and professional. Just because they acted like they liked you, doesn't mean they liked you (facade) (masking)

Even if they liked you they might like a different candidate more

Plenty of job interviewers acted like they liked me and, (almost) none of them hired me

They might or might not hire you

Many states "at will" employer. Some candidates get fired the third day. Some companies made my worthless corpse redundant the third day


Good points, I will add mine, that are specific to me.

My career is in demand, highly sought out- options everywhere and all over the country even remote.
I get every job I have ever interviewed for - this does not mean I don't quit eventually or get in trouble while there.

Additionally, the conversations were problem specific, and professional, they used specific language to express their need for my help and that they thought I was an excellent fit, I was also offered a second interview on the spot.



BeaArthur
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05 May 2021, 4:46 pm

Have you exhausted all the options for this type of job being more acceptable for you? If you are that much in demand, you may have more say than you think. You might ask for a private office, or the ability to attend most meetings by Zoom, or to work remotely 60% of the time - all of which would reduce your face-to-face interactions.


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browneyedgirlslowingdown
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05 May 2021, 4:58 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
Have you exhausted all the options for this type of job being more acceptable for you? If you are that much in demand, you may have more say than you think. You might ask for a private office, or the ability to attend most meetings by Zoom, or to work remotely 60% of the time - all of which would reduce your face-to-face interactions.


This particular job would require ongoing interaction and their constant need for my input, they are also mostly female, so this work culture is the issue, not the job itself. I have better options. So I am going to look at those if that makes sense.