Coming out late, embarrassed

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So I'm 30. For the past year I'd been struggling with my sexuality. I wouldn't say I'm confused any longer, I'm sure of myself. Overall though I'm mostly embarrassed that it's taken me this long to figure myself out. I'm not the kind of person who's all that in touch my own feelings, nor have I ever felt sure of myself about anything in general, until now.
I've never had any crushes on boys growing up, plus I was a huge tomboy. Never dated at all while in school.
I've had numerous crushes on other girls while growing up, as early as when I was 9, but never thought to ever consider acting on any of them. I was afraid I was some kind of creep or something.
After high school I dated four different guys. Which I really only did because they pursued me, and since I have zero social skills on top of no self-esteem, I went along with it, mostly for the companionship. Which was absolutely wrong on part. I was never really attracted to any of them, hated anything sexual, was drinking heavily very often, and I initiated the break-ups. I was miserable the whole time. I feel so disgusted with myself.
I used to just think I was bisexual but at this point in my life I would never consider dating a man again. I forced myself to try to be "normal" but I have come to realize that I am incompatible with men. But I feel like I am unwelcome, like I am an outsider to the community, because of my experience. Like I will automatically be rejected as a "fake" for having had relations with men in the past. I'm secure in my own sexuality, but insecure in how I will be perceived. Being aspie of course also adds difficulty to the situation.

While it's possible that there may be a person out there who judges you there will be a lot more people who relate to your feelings of pressured towards heteronormativity. I would try to not listen to much to those concerns because why would someone else be entitled to impose their unreasonable standards of purity upon others?

First off, congratulations on feeling surety regarding your sexuality after a long struggle! Overcoming shame, navigating the expectations of others and the expectations we self-impose, etc., it’s amazing to make it through all that. Good on you!

There’s no way to control how others perceive us, or at least that’s the conclusion I’m currently working with. Accepting that doesn’t make my anxiety any better, and maybe you feel that way too. You feel how you feel. But you’re not alone in feeling that way.

If it helps, at least among the many people I’ve known in the LGBTQ community over the past 40 years, it’s not uncommon at all for a lesbian to have been with a man sometime in their past. TBH, from what I’ve seen it seems to me like that’s more the rule rather than the exception. It’s hard for me to think of very many lesbians I’ve known who haven’t been with men at some time in their past. That may just be a function of where & when I grew up & have lived.

None of that means coming out isn’t sometimes difficult, and that being an aspie can make the process extra spicy. We figure ourselves out one step at a time, and those steps seem to happen on their own timetable. I didn’t figure out I was trans until my 50s, and boy howdy did I struggle with embarrassment at the start of my transition. Hang in there. Do what feels right to you, when it feels right for you. Anyone who judges you unfairly for that isn’t worth listening to in the first place, imo

The kind of people that might say you are fake for having been with a man are not worth being listened to. I am somewhat familiar via online discourse that there are some lesbians out there that do something like a scale of lesbianism based on how much intimacy with a man they have had, but the whole thing is just another form of purity BS. Sexuality is not up to what one has physically done in the past, it is how one feels, and there is a unfortunate aspect where one's feelings can get mixed up from expectations of things like forced heterosexuality, and some queer people who try to create their own culture.

I am happy that you have come into your own, and you should not at all feel embarrassed for it to have taken you a long time. Be proud that you overcame the pressures that society put in your way and you got there at all.