Aspergers son 10 anger

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Anyone have suggestions my son has aspergers and every so often loses his s#$t 95% of the time with my wife and to the point where he threatens to kill her says she wishes she wasn't here . But 20 minutes later don't know why he says it. He don't do this kinda stuff with me just her and she gets so upset. I usually talk to him for a while after about it and try to find out why he says stuff like that he just says he gets yelled at more from her when he does inappropriate stuff of stuff he knows he shouldn't do. Any advice ?

Hi Jlock - It sounds like your wife’s tone of voice and reactions to your son may be setting him off. I’m sure Mrs Jlock has the best of intentions, but by raising her voice, she’ll be raising your son’s anxiety and escalating things inadvertantly.

In regard to aggression …:
Firstly, an important statement: “Effective behaviour management requires that parents control and modify their own behaviour in order to bring about changes in the behaviour of their children.”

Autistic children who lash out verbally and/or physically tend to target those they are closest to. In order to see a decrease in this kind of behaviour, there needs to be a change in how your wife relates to your son. Once he receives consistent, calm responses from all at home, he’ll start feeling safe and secure, and won’t be as reactive. Children on the spectrum tend to be hypervigilant, having to deal with the unexpected, experiencing the world in such a manner that anxiety is heightened beyond all measure. So, though things may be running smoothly one minute, beneath the surface there’s a build up of pressure throughout the day, and much like a spring that’s wound too tight, it needs a release. A child or adolescent may completely unleash, and your son’s reaction is in no way uncommon.

It can be shocking for someone who’s not familiar with that severe a reaction, as an onlooker. I’d be ensuring your son has breaks from tasks, schoolwork throughout the day, gross motor play in order to release tension(totem tennis, football, swimming, trampoline, punching bag etc).

Should behaviour ever escalate to the point where safety is an issue, the number one priority is keeping everyone safe and restoring calm. This means removal of all stimulation(adults need to cease talking, calmly reminding/directing the child to what they need to be doing, if the child isn’t already out of control). Attempting to pre-empt such an explosion in future by maintaining a low arousal environment, an autism-friendly environment, adopting a calm, but firm manner and having a routine that can be relied upon, so that your son might be able to function on auto-pilot for awhile, given that anxiety is the dominant emotion in autism. He is having to work that much harder than a neurotypical child to maintain self control throughout the day, as his Sense of Self is referenced, being on the spectrum.

The good news is that you and your wife have the ability to bring about change in your son’s behaviour. It’s about you as adults presenting in a calm, in control manner at all times. Your son is relying on you both to ensure he feels safe and secure. It’s only when adult tone of voice/reactions present as “unsafe to his sense of self”, that he experiences what’s effectively a panic-state. I can’t begin to tell you how damaging this is to him. He will perceive angry tone, raised voice as an attack on “his self”. It can be enlikened to someone who’s drowning and fighting for their life, needing to be thrown a life jacket. It can set into motion the fight or flight response.

If your son is doing inappropriate things, purposefully misbehaving, it’s important to praise his behaviour when he’s behaving well. Direct him to what he should be doing if he’s “off course”. It could be a sign that his anxiety is heightened and that he needs your guidance and direction to get him back on track. Continued negative behaviour calls for removal to his room in order to calm down. Once he’s calm again, only then is he permitted back into the family areas and he needs calming re-entry. Raised voices reminding him not to misbehave again will likely set him off once again. Make no reference to negative behaviours. Stay calm, cool and collected. Routine that can be relied upon is key.

All the best.

Asperger kids can get angry deeper and more quickly than NT kids. Once they learn to wield words with the efficacy of a weapon, they may have to be held accountable for their use.

For example, challenging what was said can force the child into an analytical mode as opposed to an emotional mode. If the child is called on to give a reason for what was said, they can begin to see that using words to hurt can have consequences. Most children would rather have a spanking or a time out that face the discomfort of having to explain themselves.

1. Do your really hate me and wish I were dead, or are you just mad and wanting to hurt me?
2. Can you identify why it is you got so mad. Was it because you didn't get what you wanted?
3. Were you made because you expected something else? How do you think you can manage your expectations?
4. What do you think you could do instead of trying to hurt others?

Juliette is spot on. We have an aggressive 9 year old who was/is destroying property and hurting us as parents (heavy strong kid!).

I finally found a crisis-based behavior therapist (not ABA!) who taught us the push and pull of why behaviors occur (to get something or avoid it).

He also preaches exactly what Juliette said. Stay calm. At all costs. I have autism too so I know my son can’t help what he’s doing. I’ve been there even this week. The challenge— and ** Juliette ** maybe you have advice for me and the poster— is how to keep yourself sane and calm as a parent.

I can sometimes do better at staying calm than others.

I know for Nd kids it is fear that drives the anger. Our son is actually PDA and we’re trying unsuccessfully to learn more about that.

The original posters wife is getting this behavior because he is getting a response from her. If she can somehow reduce and remove her response to his behavior, he will eventually see there’s no point in trying to anger or ruffle her feathers any more. We’ve had success in our house and when I slip, I see my son slip with me.

I empathize with your wife in the sense that its very painful and aggravating when we're told mean things. We're only human. But as everyone else has said, their escalating anger is a response to our behavior, and its easier/more rational for us to modify our behavior than for our children to suddenly censor themselves or choose their words better.

Its so important to know that their anger and their words aren't personal, and not to take them at heart. After they lash out, they will still need us for comfort, support and acceptance. So no, they don't actually want us dead, or gone.

Hopefully this awareness will help her catch herself before she raises her voice, or turns a situation that calls for discipline and correction into an argument or an accusation. It's so easy to go from "please wash your hands before dinner" into a "why can't you just do as you're told? I'm so tired of repeating myself..." and on and on and on. Brief, sweet and to the point is the way to go. When they resist, encouragement to tell them why they disagree, or why they feel like they don't need to do something if they're asked.

My son benefits from being asked directly if he's angry, tired, if he wants a moment to collect himself. He takes a pause, thinks about the offer, and usually accepts. He doesn't escalate, he breathes a bit better and we live to see another day.

Xanxan - so good to have you with us .

Elledubs - thanks so much for the support(sorry I couldn’t reply as quickly as I had hoped to ... feeling overwhelmed right now by just how many families require support). You’ve no idea what your words meant as so often those who haven’t experienced “parenting in crisis/careers that involve the most challenging of behaviours in children and young adults”, truly don’t realise how much we rely on these strategies to get us and our children through. They do work and are literally a lifeline when you and those in your care are going through the toughest of times. Often, it takes an unbelieveable toll on the health of the Parent/Carer/Teacher/Staff Support. What I’ve seen confirms this. It doesn’t prevent us from ensuring the children in our homes or in our care receive the respect, understanding and appropriate responses they are due, in order to give them the best possible outcomes.

You asked about ways to destress from this life we find ourselves in. You can literally be brought to your knees at times with what you are faced with daily in those really difficult days. I’m with you and you have my utmost respect and support ... as one who understands completely and has been there.

Very few will understand what it does to you ... I’m paying the cost now. When things are “extreme”, it’s about battening down the hatches. There may be times when you feel like you cannot go on ... but thankfully, nothing stays the same forever.

I learned too late to allow myself a glass of wine at the end of the day in the tub, music, anything to detach from life at its hardest. I found some solace in my art, sewing quilts ... making heirloom mohair bears of all things! Seriously, any little thing that helps to keep you grounded and stable, even for a few moments is a plus. It’s therapy ... unless someone has literally experienced what those of us who’ve had seriously affected children, with their super strength and severe behavioural issues and been a target for release by them, who we love and want only the best for, can truly know what we’ve experienced.

Sending strength and sincere TLC to all who are doing it hard right now. Your child/rens outcomes should never be underestimated. I too was a child who must have been soo difficult for my father. I had lost my mother, who passed when I was 5, and I became mute and remember what it felt like as both the child and as the parent, having since experienced those worlds in their entirety and live to tell the tale. My children are my world. If they’re okay, then I’m okay. We are very close and there’s an unbreakable link. I knew in my heart, never to give up on them, when others did. They are doing amazing things with their lives now and have such compassion for others. What I as a mother went through, was truly worth it, though yes, it was so hard at times. They went through and continue to go through so much. It was worth it completely, but we never stop being vigilant for their well-being.

Kids who are feeling a lot of stress will sometimes bottle it in amongst strangers but then let loose as soon as they are in an environment where they are safe to do so - which often means directing it at the person they feel safest with - their mother.
Also, a lot of aspie kids are not well equipped to express any daily frustrations they have, so it may build up to a point where it bursts out as rage.
So your wife shouldn't be made to feel she's doing anything wrong.

I'm thinking it might help to provide more opportunities on a daily basis for him to practice verbally expressing any frustrations, or if he's not comfortable with that, writing them down or drawing them. He may need help to resolve these issues in less destructive ways. Frustration builds from a lack of control, so he needs to feel empowered and that his parents will help him find solutions to any problem he is having.

Oh, and don't be surprised if you can't get him to explain why he lashed out - he may not even know. Once stresses have built up to a certain level, the smallest thing can trigger a meltdown. So just hearing his mum speak in a strict tone might be enough to do it - but that's not really the problem. The issue is that he hasn't found any way to release built-up stresses.

Maybe your wife has some issues. Your autistic son has his own challenges, and there is a reason why he's having problems with your wife. I always had problems with my father. He was impatient, cold, and he has OCPD. So I have to be careful around him.

Help your son cope better, but don't make him completely responsible. Your wife is clearly doing something wrong if she's getting this kind of treatment from him.

Have you looked for any parent support groups?

You've already got some great answers but I want to add that this used to happen a lot (not so often anymore) between my son and my husband - my son is aspie, my husband wonders if he has ADHD - in any case my husband's stress response is fight mode, body tenses, voice gets louder than he realizes, etc. As another poster already pointed out - this is in the "don't ever do" category for our son - it escalates the tension and singlehandedly makes everything exponentially worse.

What has helped us is reading Laura Markham and Lori Petro (she's an Aspie mom) parenting advice - it is all about keeping yourself calm and using your tone of voice and tone of body (if that makes sense) to help modulate both your and the child's behavior - it has made a huge difference for us to be more mindful of our tone of voice, body language, and respectful word choice.

It's your wife's tone and/or impatience (maybe? - I'm not there to witness) Now, your sons anxiety is triggering his anger. I have a problem with my adult daughter's moods and depression. I start screaming at her because of my own anxiety and often wish that I wasn't here. In fact, the other night, I tried to literally scratch my own face off because of my nerves and her totally irrational demands and for my own helplessness.. Maybe your wife may benefit from anti-anxiety meds so she can better help your son. I just started meds and need the usual two or three weeks to see their effects. I love my kid but she is literally tearing me apart...thus, the meds so I am capable to go through a day with her.
Your wife might have to break down into small steps what she is trying to accomplish with your son. It's probably just too much for him.

Does your wife tend to reprimand your son about different issues? It may not apply in this instance, but I can see a mother reprimanding more about topics related to social appearance and "fitting in".

Zeroing in on the cause of the anger, and whether it is direct or indirect anger seems to be key in helping to find a better resolution.