13yo DS problem

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Hello, this might be a bit tmi but I’ve tried to keep it clean.

I’m posting because I have a slight dilemma with my 13 year old son who has Aspergers. He is very well behaved (a bit too much sometimes) and is very shy, meaning he has a small group of friends who he enjoys talking to but gets anxious around others. Ultimately I couldn’t ask for a better son, we get on very well.

Recently he’s been having trouble using public toilets, which I didn’t know about it until I realised he wasn’t drinking much. I calmly brought this up the other day and he told me it’s because he is shy using urinals, I told him if it’s easier to use a stall although he said that doesn’t seem to help. Looking it up later I found something called pauresis but not too sure if it’s the weeing part or the privacy part (or both). We then got on to a talk about puberty and how he’s doing, he told me not that much has changed but said that his willy hurts when he gets an erection, which makes me think he might have a tight foreskin. I want to get him checked up by a doctor although he is really embarrassed to be seen, despite this I think something needs to be done soon as I fear it could affect him. Any thoughts on how I can help him?

Your thoughts about a doctor sound right on target. There are many possible problems that should be investigated first. If you can first see a Urologist, it might be best to skip seeing a family doctor that would probably just refer to a Urologist anyway.

The plumbing tract to discharge waste liquid from the body starts with the kidneys, through the bladder, and out. It can be a good idea to have this system checked by a specialist to determine that there are no underlying medical problems. If the system proves healthy, you can then work on what practices can be modified to make things more manageable.

You may also wish to ask the doctor about any dangers in restricting water intake.

Kids often work out solutions that seem to make sense to them. It is important to help him see that while embarrassment can be a factor, it could be more harmful in the long run to ignore a medical condition. Being assured that there is no medical problem can go a long way to reliving anxiety as well.

I am wondering if a more open ended but also deeper discussion with your son could gather more complete data to provide the doctor. Lead him to describe in detail what he experiences in the public restroom, but without framing the choices. Remember that ASD individuals can be highly affected by things you and I never even notice, and would never consider as potential factors. If he is shy, he will be limited in what he tells the doctor in person, so getting all the notes beforehand that you can could prove to be very important.

First: Is the father in the picture? (Sorry.) I'm 100% certain your son will be more comfortable discussing plumbing/urinary issues with him than with you. So if yes, redirect this matter to his father. Second, since you said "willy" in reference to a penis and not a famous orca, I'm pretty sure you're in the UK , which means you have almost-free NHS healthcare.

So... get your son to a urologist, and a male urologist at that, right away. I remember seeing a urologist when I was about your son's age. He was excellent: a great combination of personable and serious. His bedside manners were top-notch. He did the "turn and cough" (hernia) test on me, and had me answer questions about testicle size, ease of urination, and painful sensations while "touching myself". The whole time, I had a full illusion of control over my treatment, as opposed to seeing him as yet another authority figure who gets a cheap thrill out of seeing me miserable or uncomfortable (like my family, my teachers, and my therapist at the time).

Agree, get his dad to discuss this with him. If his dad is not around, get a grandfather or uncle to discuss it. If not, book him in with a male pediatrician or urologist.

He is likely not giving you a good description of the problem because he is embarrassed. You are left to guess what is going on, but if you force a more detailed explanation, you're risking humiliating him. Or he'll shut down and refuse to talk about it any more.

I have a friend who had to have a testicle removed as a teenager. If he hadn't talked to his parents about it and gotten it removed, it would have killed him. He is now healthy and perfectly fine. So it's always good to make sure.

I'd go with a urologist, rather than a pediatrician. Most pediatricians' bedside manners are ugh. Specialists, however, are usually good. When I was a kid, I was comfortable right away with specialist doctors, like that urologist, radiology/MRI techs, otolaryngologists, etc. They were a perfect balance of comforting and serious. But all my pediatricians were either too harsh or too patronizing; although with that said, most of them were women, so they probably treated me as if I were a girl.

And another thing, SaraN/OP. You're a woman. Obviously you've known a penis in a sexual capacity, since you have a kid. But do you really understand its mechanics? Let's say you made your son tell you where he feels pain by threatening to take away something he cherishes. And he said "I feel it right where the shaft thickens toward the tip part (the glans), and it happens when I self-induce ejaculations in front of my computer." (Yes, exactly that! ) Or "I feel it right where the shaft thickens toward the tip part, and it happens at school when a girl in her gym uniform walks by."

First off, would you know where the pain happens, since your plumbing is different? Second, would you be angry/upset/disappointed/annoyed with him for watching pornography? (And let's say he's not shrewd enough to hide the *.mpeg files in the C:\Windows\system32 folder, like I was. ) Or the same feelings for him ogling girls in gym class, for that matter? Third, your emotional reactions would most likely "teach your son a lesson" to never let you find out anything about his private life ever again.

Edited to add: This is my 6000th post! Whoo-hoo!

Hello, thanks for the advice everyone. A bit of an update, I got in contact with our GP and explained the situation, from what he heard he said it sounds like a tight foreskin and that cream along with stretches would be the best way to proceed although he said that he’d like to have a checkup first.

Sadly, it’s just me and my son, his dad isn’t with us. I have a a slightly younger brother who went through all of this (although he was a lot more open and carefree) so I do know a bit about the issue. Although he lives in Australia now which makes it difficult

We have had a few conversations since about puberty and how he feels. Regarding the toilet situation, he said that he feels exposed when using toilets outside the home, as people can see him going. Even with cubicles he said that some boys Are really loud and jump over the cubicle doors to see who’s in them. So to answer DW, it seems to be that he’s shy of his penis, or more broadly his body. The way he told me made me think that he simply doesn’t like the idea that people are in his personal space whilst he is having a wee, which makes him shut down and anxious.

I am from the UK as one of you have pointed out haha, So the free aspect of the healthcare is a huge bonus when it comes to stuff like this.

In the talks we’ve had I want to make it clear to him that I’m completely open and happy to talk. I would say that me personally, I am quite an open person and want to be the same for him. We talked about his shyness quite a lot and I told him that his genitals are nothing to be ashamed of, willies come in all different shapes and sizes and all are good. I’m not sure if this was the best thing to say, but I also said he’s welcome to be naked around the house or just in his room as long as we don’t have guests. I suggested that because I’m thinking if I offer him a place to be open his fears will start to lessen, he seemed open to this although hasn’t as of yet, which is perfectly fine. It’s one of those things where I don’t want to push him too much, but also want him to push himself in a place that’s familiar and comfortable. Thoughts on this?

To answer you Aspie1, I get what you’re saying about not knowing what it’s like. I haven’t seen him since he was younger, but we have talked about his pain and situation. From what he told me the pain comes and goes, sometimes when he gets an erection and if he tried to mess with the skin. It’s upsetting that he is in pain at a time of change. In a way it is good though, as we’ve never really talked about how he feels in this way (which is my fault for not bringing it up) but he says it can hurt at any time, although he does have new feelings about a girl in his school (guess he’s got a first crush ). I don’t think he watches porn or started masturbating, I’m not sure what age boys really start to? I guessed about this age though, he’s quite a sensible boy who won’t do anything he feels is ‘wrong’ and so I think that’s why he hasn’t done anything (that I’m aware of) although I want to make sure he knows there is nothing wrong with mastication. My thoughts on porn are a bit strange, I don’t know how to feel about it, I know teens have a big interest and curiosity in sex (I did!), but I know it’s also harmful for their minds, I do know that I wouldn’t be angry or upset with him if he did start, but I would probably have a calm talk about porn. Essentially I want him to explore his new feelings and urges in a healthy way, which I’m guessing the stretches that the doctor mentioned could do.

Eek! I never had that happen to me, except in lower elementary school, where it was a matter of mischief and not sexual intimidation. Homophobia is very prevalent among straight men in the US, even with the LGBT "wokeness" lately. So a man/boy doing bathroom things is practically a sacred cow. Even the least-respected men/boys are left alone inside a bathroom cubicle. In rare cases, bullies may bang on the door and taunt the victim, but they will NEVER peek inside out of fear of being seen as gay. And telling them your junk is out is an easy way to thwart them.

He's mid-puberty and you're a woman. Heck, I wasn't comfortable with my mother seeing me nude once I was past kindergarten. (With my father, it was different, obviously, because same plumbing, and we often went to the city swimming pool as a family.) So stop the penis talk right there. At best, it'll be unhelpful; at worst, it'll make future interactions awkward. Set him up on an appointment with a male urologist---emphasis on "male"---and leave it at that. Make yourself look good---tell your son you know he'll be more comfortable discussing his issues with a male doctor than with you. Maybe give the urologist helpful information behind your son's back, about things like size concerns and fear of urinating in public. I'm 100% certain that he'd rather share those things with a man in a medical occupation than with his own mother.

I can see what you mean about it potentially being a bad situation talking to him about it, but look at it from his perspective, he doesn’t have a dad that’s around anymore so there’s no much opportunity for a male besides the doctor, he’s uncomfortable with new people due to his autism. He’s hopefully going to be seen by a doctor which is good but he’s anxious for. I’m giving him the reassurance there if he needs it. And he doesn’t seem too fussed by that, if anything I think he’s happy that I’m happy and not angry or other such things.