Self-advocacy a total fail?

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My therapist is trying to help me to better advocate for my own needs. I try really hard not to ask for things often and not to talk about my difficulties unless they will affect the timeline on which I can get something done. But when I try to articulate what I need from others (and also what I can do on my own), people get annoyed with me for "making excuses." I am expected to listen carefully and take note when others make suggestions or express what they need from me, but I am not allowed to do the same, apparently. This is especially pronounced when the other person in question is a male, but it isn't exclusive to men. Many times, I do find it easier to talk with men than with women, especially when I am seeking advice--they seem to love to help. But if I need them to be aware of something they can't help me with, suddenly I am "too needy." It makes me not want to communicate anything to anyone.

I wonder if people with ASD shouldn't be expected to advocate for themselves, given that we aren't always great at social rules and no one seems to make allowances for that.

Why shouldn’t we advocate for ourselves?

We are not inferior to others.

In principle, I think we absolutely should. But sometimes I wish someone who "gets" how to communicate would take it upon themselves to 1) listen to me and 2) speak up on my behalf / take my defense when I am not able to get through to others. Because I get tired of doing it myself, all the time, and not feeling like anyone "gets it" or even cares. The way my Black classmates say they need non-Black allies, because they get so tired of trying to explain Black perspectives to white people. Not someone to speak FOR them, but someone to speak IN SUPPORT of them. So that others listen to what they have to say, the first time, and they don't have to keep repeating the same explanations ad nauseam...

There are times, alas, when black folks automatically assume that non-black folks could never understand what it means to be black, despite the fact that, many times, their experiences are similar, except for that which is specifically caused by being black in America.

Thus, a few might believe that non-black folks could never be full allies with them. Thus shutting the door to them, excluding them from their hearts.

Currently, black people have a very large political movement fighting for their rights. (See Black Lives Matter May Be the Largest Movement in U.S. History by Larry Buchanan, Quoctrung Bui, and Jugal K. Patel, New York Times, July 3, 2020.) This makes it much more feasible for black people to ask for white allies that it would be otherwise.

We, as autistic people, will probably never have THAT big a movement fighting on our behalf, but it would help a lot if the autistic community were much better organized than it is now.

For example, one type of organization we need is career-oriented groups for autistic (and/or otherwise neurodivergent) people in various categories of professions / occupations / jobs. Such groups, once they are big enough, could do a lot to help autistic people find jobs and also help educate employers about the needs of autistic people.

(There already exist similar groups for various ethnic minorities, and for other disability communities.)

As far as I am aware, the world's first professional association for neurodivergent professionals, in any career category, is the U.K.-based Association of Neurodivergent Therapists, founded in spring 2021. We need a similar organization here in the U.S.A., and we need similar organizations for lots of different professions.

Currently, my boyfriend and I lead Autistic Techies of the NYC Area, which currently is just a small specialized support group, but hopefully will eventually give birth to a full-fledged professional association.

IMO we need many other kinds of groups, as well. See my Longterm visions for the autistic community.

I think the problem is few people will try to understand what they don't experience themselves. When they say to speak up or self-advocate, what they really mean is have needs similar to theirs, which they can easily understand and meet. It also doesn't occur to many people that if someone doesn't self-advocate much it may be because these efforts get them nowhere. Not because they are too stupid to do so.

Exactly. And this is why so many black people get frustrated with white people. Too many white people just don't understand what black people have been through, and don't care.

This is why marginalized minority groups, of whatever kind, need their own communities (in the sense of organized subcultures), although they also need to be able to integrate into the majority community as much as possible (because they are denied resources if they don't).


It's important to look for relatively open-minded people who are, at least, more accepting of human variety than the average person is. Self-advocacy is more effective with relatively open-minded people.


If a person has grown up surrounded by people who refuse to listen, it will require effort to learn how to assert oneself even with relatively open-minded people who are willing to listen. This isn't "stupidity," just inexperience with the right kind of people.

Thank you for the thoughtful response, Mona. I wasn't saying these people are stupid, myself, just that this is often the view of closed-minded people or poor listeners.