Initiating LJBF relationsips on dating sites

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So the predicament that I have is that the only women on dating sites that would contact me are either much order or black or divorced. I am totally fine being friends with them. I just don't want to date them. Particularly since its not fair towards them, given that I know I won't marry them so I shouldn't be wasting their time.

But here is something that I did just now. So a woman from India winked at me. And she happened to be from Chennai which is where I did my postdoc. So I contacted her and told her straight up that I am not interested in a relationship with her but I am fine being her friend (no I didn't mention the racial reason -- I mentoined the fact that she is separated). In any case, I am having back and forth conversation with her and I am actually enjoying it. It turns out she lived in America for 6 years and just came back to India, and she lived in Minnesota which is the state where I did my Masters, although a different town.

In any case, here is something that occurred to me. What if I go ahead and contact the women that live in my area whom I know I won't date, and do exact same thing: just be honest with them that I am looking for just friends. At least it would give me some social life outside of keyboard. Something is better than nothing. As far as dating, I am thinking of two options

a) Meet some friends through them, and eventually date one of the friends of their friends

b) Make my own friends which would be easier to do since I would look less weird

I personally think both of them are unlikely, but "a" is even less likely than "b" (they don't want that whole awkwardness) so I guess I can shoot for "b"?

But anyway, do you think this is the direction worth going into or do you think it is a waste of time?

Agreed. Is there any particular interest/hobby/whatever you have in common with at least a few of these women? If so, you can suggest the idea of starting a club for people interested in XYZ, and invite them to be among the first members. That might make the process of becoming friends with them less awkward.


I would suggest both options, both of which you might be able to pursue at once by starting a club.

I never actually considered it. Because I assumed that since dating is what most people do, while leadership is what most people don't do, the leadership is probably harder than dating. And something harder can't be a stepping stone for something easier.

Or are you saying I was wrong in assuming its harder? I mean here is one reason I assume this. If I can't even get an attention of 1 person how would I ever get an attention of a large group of people? On a different note, I don't know the procedure of starting a club anyway. Should I purchase a building (I don't have money)? Should I start a website (I am not good with computers)? But if I ever do whatever it is I have to do, I am sure nobody will pay any attention. If ladies don't reply to my profile on the dating site, why would anyone react to that club-website or whatever thing I set up?

And on a different note, if you ask me to rate my needs on the scale of 1 through 10, then the need to get a girlfriend ranks a lot higher than the need to start a club. So I don't think starting a club would worth all this time investment.

Well, if you can convince me that I can start a club *easily*, without any time investment at all, then I have a bunch of interesting ideas:

a) Messianic movement combines Judaism with Christianity: they keep Jewish laws in the name of Jesus. Now, most of them believe Jesus is God. But there are few ones that beleive that Jesus is Messiah but not God. So they disagree with Jews in that Jews don't believe Jesus is the Messiah but they do, and they disagree with Christians in that Christians believe Jesus is God and they don't. I can start a club for those.

b) Most people vote either Repubican or Democrat. But I think it would be nice to have third party president. Not any specific third party, but *any one* would do. So I can start a club devoted to third parties collectively. Or I could instead start a club devoted to a specific third party such as Libertarian party

c) I am fascinated with the area of mathematics known as non-standard analysis where instead of "taking a limit" they have "literal" infinitesimals. I can start a club devoted to that.

d) I have some creative ideas about food. Such as instead of mostly coffee and a little bit of milk, drink mostly milk and a little bit of coffee. Or eating raw dough by itself. Or drinking half and half by itself, etc. I can start a club devoted to that.

Of course I can also start mainstream clubs. Such as mainstream Christian club or good old Republican club, etc. Its just that they have a lot of mainstream things as is, but exotics is what nobody done besides me.

But I guess if I am thinking of clubs as a stepping stone towards dating as opposed to the goal in itself maybe I should start more mainstream club to attract more people. Except that I would be bored.

In any case, like I said, its all a bunch of fantasy. I am not that optimistic I am good at starting clubs.

I think your idea of just looking for friends in these women you meet on dating sites is very good. It gives you lots of social practice and gets you out discovering new places, ideas, and topics of conversation.
It makes me think about the fact that people looking for a new job will be more successful if they are already employed. I think new dateable women will be more likely to talk to you and get to know you if you have a female friend.

Yes that is exactly what I was thinking. That is why I was thinking I should get female friends so that women other than them would date me.

It is very unfair though. The people that need job/relationships the most are the ones that aren't getting them. It seems like they assume that people are not employ-able or not dat-able, as opposed to "without employment at the moment" or "without job at the moment". But that assumption is wrong, as evident by an advice to volunteer to "prove people wrong". Well, if there were people that were able to prove people wrong, why are they assuming that this assumption applies to the rest of people?

But then I also realize that, as I am obsessing about fairness, the clock is ticking. So I thought: "fair or not, since that is the case, lets go ahead and get female friends and see if it helps".

QFT, you really don't need to make such a big deal about not wanting to date older or divorced women.

I have been out of the loop with dating sites but I am pretty sure you can filter out single mothers, ages groups and marital status. It's a no brainer.

I am really confused why you would avoid "divorced"? not every woman who is a divorcee is mentally unstable or unsuitable, There are lots and lots of women who make mistakes getting married to the wrong man. Men are also manipulative and can manipulate a nice girl to get married. Give them a chance.

I am also confused about your supposed dilemma over women who are PoCs. Why also make this a big deal? If you view a woman's photo on their profile and they aren't white then why do you then bother responding to them? Women aren't going to jump out of buildings if a man doesn't respond, remember they have more options than you.

Oh and the Chennai girl who "winked" at you, if you don't intend pursuing a relationship please tell her then don't waste her time. If girls want male friends they wouldn't be using dating sites.

Yeah I know I can filter out, I was just too lazy to. But it is not a big deal cause I don't get more than one email in few days from them so I can just igore it.

Right now though I am thinking of being "just friends" with them (see OP) which means I shouldn't filter them out.

I am thinking maybe being just friends with a 50 year old woman I will look more favorably in the eyes of 35 year old woman, thus find 35 year old girlfriend this way. Never tried this before so I have no idea whether it would work or not. Just something to try I guess.



I never said they were unstable. Instead, it is because Jesus said in Matthew 5:32 that marrying divorced woman amounts to adultery.



I usually *don't* respond to them.

I am considering responding to them now though since I am thinking that maybe having female friends will help me attract other females too. So maybe being friends with a black woman will help me find a white woman that would date me.

But that is what I am thinking now. Up until now I weren't responding to them. Now I think maybe I should.

By the way -- both with much older women and colored women -- I realize that the whole idea of meeting new people through them won't work if they are in a different area. So the strategy I am thinking of is to look for

a) People far away that ARE datable (white and under 40)

b) People near by that are NOT datable (colored and over 40)

Of course

c) People near by that are datable

would be an ideal, but there are so few of them.

In the past I was looking mostly at "a". Now I am thinking of including "b".

But as far as

d) People far away that are not datable

To them I still don't respond. Because in their case I would neither get a relationship NOR networking strategy either.

I responded to Chennai lady though, but that is purely for enjoyment. I don't expect anything to come out of it.



I told her that I am not interested in pursuing the relationship and only want friends. So there is no deceit there.



Thats an interesting question. Co-incidentally there was some other woman that contacted me herself throuhg the dating site -- exactly the next day after I had that LJBF idea -- and told me that she is in a committed relationship but made a profile just to look for friends. I kept asking her why would she use dating site instead of facebook, she told me that dating site has friends options. But in any case, it sounds like she plays some kind of mind game (seeing how she was the one who contacted me yet acted so strangely) so I stopped responding to her.

Interesting. I can't remember your reasons for not wanting to date girls who were PoC? was it physical, religious or something else.

Your dilemmas remind me a of a French acquaintance of mine in Malaysia. He was working as an expat in Malaysia and initially he was flattered over the female interest in him but he confided in me that he wasn't physically attracted to Asian women. He was only interested in dating expat women who moved in our social circles (which was also not unusual for other expat men) I wished him good luck.

Fast forward 12 months and he was engaged to be married to a Malay muslim woman. It blew my mind because 1) the girl wasn't actually that attractive even for a Malay and ii) she was muslim and he had to convert religions. I also knew two men in Melbourne who I went to school with who disliked Asian girls in school and were also racist (not unusual again for Australian school boys). Incredibly one went to live and work in Japan and ended up marrying a Japanese girl. The other joined the 7th day adventists and married a girl who was Filipino.

What it taught me is that all men probably have the capacity to change their taste in women given certain environmental factors and spending time with other cultures.