Son can't find happiness. He is suicidal.

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My son is 17. His own words- ever happy. He doesn't see the spectrum of the day. He measures the livability and happiness of the day by one negative instance. I let him stay home today for a mental health day. Let him decompress. But I had to take the internet because the kids in the house weren't cleaning regularly. I left a note that said get you guys get cleaning done and we can plug the internet back in. I have no way to individually control internet access it's just not something I can do. We live in the middle of nowhere with limited services.
We had a family meeting which he consistently interrupted everyone speaking to talk about his feelings instead of just listening to what the necessities were for having internet. He started crying, get up walk around the room agitatedly, left the house came back argued more. Generally it's just very emotionally exhaustive trying to work through any sort of a family issue with him involved.
He slept until 3:00 in the afternoon which is something he wanted to do and then because he didn't have access to Internet and he needed to clean before I got home at 6:00pm it ruined the entire rest of the day. He still had two to three hours left to do whatever he wanted online before he usually goes to sleep. But he said it didn't matter because he didn't have enough time to relax or have fun. It's really hard for me to understand. He says he never feels happy he never has anything to look forward to even though we take him out every weekend, I'm writing a campaign with him for d&d, I'm playing a game with him that we ordered especially for him and I. We are working on a meeting place for the kids in the neighborhood, he wanted a club there's a lot of kids that come over but he doesn't take time to connect with them. If anything I'm constantly wracking my brain to come up with solutions to help him feel less lonely and more connected. Yet tonight he said that we don't have a good relationship. He said he felt that way for a long time but just hasn't said anything because he's supposed to keep it all inside. He also says that he'd kill himself if he wasn't afraid of going to hell. He's Christian, none of us are, so I've never told him he would go to hell. He also states that the only person he's close with or has a good connection with this is Grandma who he won't move back to even though I've offered that and offered to have him come visit in the Summers if that's what truly makes him happy. I can't help him find happiness and I don't know if medication would help even though we've talked to people he's hesitant because he said he doesn't want to feel nothing. As opposed to feeling doom and gloom all of the time. He also said the only reason he's still alive is because of his grandma but if anything ever happens to her all bets are off. I think I failed him as a parent. His other brother and sister are happy for the most part they can find positivity even though they have depression. His father my ex is a very angry, depressed person, drug addict and completely self unaware. He's not willing to work on himself, not willing to get diagnosed even though they share trait for trait spectrum similarities. Unfortunately, I see him becoming just like his dad even though he's had access to so many more opportunities and resources then his father ever had. I really don't know what to do I don't want him to feel like this all the time but also people have to take personal responsibility for their emotions and self-awareness. He won't even come talk to other people who are experiencing the same spectrum related issues to see if someone can guide him better than I can. I think he will kill himself eventually but I don't see what I can offer to change his mind about any of this . I am also feeling like there's only so much I can do and I've reached the end of what I can do.

I had a long post for you and then I lost it. I will have to come back to rewrite it.

I know how scary this is for you, and how strongly you need to do something. I believe the best action plan will be more a change in perspective than anything else.

My instinct is your son is feeling like no one understands him. That when he reaches out and tries to share how his mind works, he either feels cuts off, or finds no one actually understands. It sounds like you have a very busy household, but does that leave time for anyone to really talk to him? To listen to and validate his thought processes, even if they seem alien? Living without any mental connection to anyone will always feel extremely lonely.

I write more details another day.

I detect signs of autistic burn out in this scenario.

He knows what to do to get what he wants, but can't bring himself to exercise the executive function that would get it.

There's a new video where they cover this off with a lot of accuracy.
https://youtu.be/SFixaliygnA

Please take a look and compare against your son's experience. If there's a match, it'll take you in a new direction to answers, I can comment further in that case.

It is possible that your ex and son have bipolar 2 depression. There is a British guy on Youtube, his name is Peter (search "bipolar 2" and "peter", the videos should come up). This type of bipolar has a higher incidence of suicide, so your concern is understandable.

The lack of a fathers influence in your son's life might be seen in the lack of self discipline he has. You might be able to help him if you can get him to see that a lack of self-discipline is contributing to his unhappiness. If he would be willing to set aside some time or task so that he could gain some objective, it might begin to develop his self-control. Traditionally, sons that fell short in self-disci0ple would acquire some in the Army.

Possibly. But he refuses to get help because he states he's not broken. I never thought he was.i see suffering that most people would seek relief from. It's like he is on fire but refuses to stop drop and roll or use an extinguisher because the fire is caused by walking into flames and standing there but someone else started the fire (daily irritations). So he's not responsible for puting out the fire even though it's literally killing him.

His dad is not an active or healthy figure in his life. His step dad has been in his life since he was 1. He had a great example there

Rather than a binary choice between "broken" and OK, it can be useful to see a a particularly unique neurology that results in a unique personality. Experimenting with various supplements like Lithium Orotate can offer an opportunity to gauge if he can see any improvement.

You are correct in that he will have to participate in any remedy and to do so will require his perspective that there is something that could be improved.

As he enters his 20s, he may begin to consider that somethings could be changed or even need to change.

In the meantime you might see if you can help him to recognize what he does that harms himself.

I once worked in a department that had a 17 year old girl. One morning she came in and described how she was out partying the night before and had thrown her purse out the window of a car and now had to replace her drivers license. I said, "That was horrible, tragic, and unfair. Let's stop for a minute and think about who is responsible....That would be you wouldn't it". Later she was on the phone to her mother and said, "There is a man here at work who sounds just like you". I had to chuckle.

It sounds like he's trying to talk about it so you just need to give him the space to do that. Ask him to come talk to you alone. Tell him you love him, that you want him to be happy, and ask him what he needs. Actively listen. Don't worry about chores, or activities, just listen openly to what he's saying without interruption or judgement. Let him lead and tell you what is making him unhappy.
I went through a phase of the same thing and it's really difficult. He needs to feel okay about asking for help. And it's your job to rebuild the connection between you, even if you feel like it should be strong. Figure out his love language and give yourself time alone to talk. Ask him what he needs, how you can help, what you can do together, what his worries are and why does he feel them. Even just talking to him about something he enjoys and actively listening and participating in the conversation can be a way to connect.

Is he on fire or is he in the midst of a raging inferno of outside demands, misunderstandings and invalidation, which everyone calls "normal" life? At that age I took a year off and did jigsaw puzzles. In retrospect it was ASD burnout. I got enough rest and validation to get back online in my life. I have a cousin who did not get a break nor the validation she needed and -as you fear- it didn't go well. My young son is very emotional and impulsive, leans towards internalization and self harm - I am doing my best to establish a baseline now: it's difficult and can feel unbearable, even so he can get through it (or away from it), he (we) can find the resources, this too shall pass. I also can truthfully tell him how awful it was for me and that I am glad I got through it and remind him to hang in there. I don't know about young men, but the majority of Level 1-2 ASD young women self-harm or have suicidal ideation well into their 20s until their lives are more certain or they have more control in their life. Validate, validate, validate. Give him control, ask him what the solution is (he'll initially say "I don't know" if he's used to invalidation, but persevere). Validation is the fire retardant, b/c this fire may last a while... a lifetime.

Suggestions: "We need this... I suggest we restrict internet.. what are your ideas?" (hopefully something that is not all-or-nothing and includes self-control, not imposed controls) "I see you are very upset (interruptions), how about we go (speak privately) and come back to this later?" (generally the need for validation, collaboration, support is greater or comes before that of chore completion)

Sorry for taking so long to get back to this thread.

I know you are frustrated, but it also feels like you are building your own road blocks by holding onto certain concepts and priorities too tightly.

The above set of paragraphs made me uncomfortable, to be honest. I feel like your son told you what he needs but sticking to your structure was more important than hearing the message. Both his on-line activities and desire to share his feelings were denied him because of things either entirely out of his control or, grand scheme of things, not that important (cleaning - not that important, IMHO).

NOTHING stresses out my ASD son more than feeling he has no control over his life and that he isn't being heard. Both are NEEDS, not wants. In your description, your son had neither.

I learned early on with my son that deescalating the build up of stress was number 1 to preventing meltdowns and helping him be healthy, happy and productive. Often, that meant chucking out all the rules, the schedule, and everything else I was locked into.

Structure can be important to ASD kids because it creates predictability. But when the structure is used to pull the rug out from under the predictability, it can wreak havoc. These kinds of issues aren't small things in a person's day when ASD involved; they can scramble the brain's equilibrium and set in motion a series of destruction reactions. If he had broken a rule and received a predictable consequence it would be different than sharing a consequence based on actions of others in the household.

I strongly suggest dreaming up a different consequence than what you've been using.



I know you are, but as parents we can get so tied up in getting through our days that we miss the messages sitting right in front of us. I worry you've been so focused on doing that you haven't accurately been listening. I've found myself stuck in that trap so incredibly often, maybe I'm projecting, but that is how it looks. It's one of the things where hindsight is 20/20. I hope you can find a way to slow down and try to be in the moment with your son and really listen on a deep level.



I am sorry to read this. I think our ASD kids often define what makes a good relationship quite differently than we do. I don't think I realized until my son was an adult how critical is was to him to have people actually understand and relate to the way his thoughts were forming. That can be a challenging bridge to cross when your child thinks so very differently than you do. My son doesn't need me to agree with him, but he does need me to understand him, and that is something that takes hours and hours of truly listening.



Medication is tricky at his age, and I wouldn't push it. Neither of my kids wanted medication, and when my daughter did eventually some, she didn't stick with it. When your son is older he may investigate on his own, which my daughter is now doing for herself (she isn't ASD but ADHD, anxiety, and likely bi-polar; my son is ASD and there is no medication for ASD, only for the comorbids)). To get the right medication they need people around them who accurately understand what is going on inside their heads, and I don't think your son has had that. It's hard, because the ASD brain can work so differently, and the way they articulate what they are feeling and thinking is so different, that crossing the divide and finding understanding is really difficult.

Your son's story feels like a cross between things that went on with my kids. My son had ASD and my daughter has mental health issues. At 17 my daughter was unable to function. After numerous meetings with the high school, she eventually tested herself out (its similar to a GED but its for students still of high school age; pass the test and you can go straight on to college). After that, we basically let her do what she wanted while we were trying to figure out what she needed; no chores, no responsibilities, no school. After 6 months she choose to find herself a job and after 9 months she was enrolled at the community college while still working. She has since transferred to university and is well on track. I can't begin to say how happy I am that we let her basically drop out of everything and stay safe at home with zero expectations and no time limit because that time proved to have been exactly what she needed. The same might not work for everyone, but I knew she'd want more for herself eventually; she just needed to find her own way there. And, oh, man, did she hate me when things first blew up. It was hard and it was painful knowing that, but I didn't give into it. Those feelings were something she had to go through and we've got a really good relationship now. So ... remember that nothing is permanent. Let your son be your guide. Take the time to really LISTEN.