Values You Have/Would Want To Give/Want To Pass On

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I just kind of wanted to share this and see what response it gets. I did put a question at the end, so there's technically a point to this, but if you want to respond and not answer the question that's fine too.

My mother screwed up a LOT with me, and I say this objectively and aside from the angst of a modern 19-year-old. But I was thinking today that there are some things that she got really RIGHT, and thing I'd want to be able to duplicate; some things she taught me to value and feel. I'd want my kids (if I ever have them) to value and feel these things; not that I'd want to program them to be just like me (a wholly repugnant thought), but these are some things which I think are so important.

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I don't view crying as a sign of weakness or something to be ashamed of. I am not too thrilled when I do it, but when I see someone else crying, my reaction is very rarely if ever one of contempt or hostility; I don't wonder what's wrong with the person that they're crying, I just wonder what's wrong.

I don't view emotions as something you should toss aside and disregard and repress and never show. There is a time and a place for everything and I still struggle with that, but I'd rather be "too emotional" than someone with no feelings at all. I want to find a balance, of course, but I value emotion; sadness as well as happiness. It's not fun to be sad, but there are times when you should feel sad, or hurt, or upset, or angry. There are times when you should FEEL, I guess is the main point.

I love to read. I love to write too, but that may be another issue. Anyway, my mom brought me up with books, and reading, and made it a fun activity and a reward rather than a chore that must be done and gotten over with. I don't claim that it will get you everywhere in life, but a love of reading is something that is so precious, and can be such a help to someone in life as well as enriching it. This is by the way not to say I'm anti-TV; I'm not. I watch my share of crap, and I'm not particularly proud of it, but it doesn't mean I don't read and love to read.

I feel like I can talk to my mom about anything. And I mean ANYTHING. When I told her I had a boyfriend, she immediately told me to go on the pill. IMMEDIATELY. ((This has proven to be an unnecessary precaution in my bizarre case but that's another issue.)) I can talk to her about sex, about drugs, about my life, about her life, about big issues, about little things.

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Might I add, some of the effects of this last is that I trust her, love her, value her opinion, and get into some really huge fights with her. ((This is something I'd not like to duplicate, but has more to do with my temper than anything else.)) However she and the rest of my family have been willing to work with me on many of my triggers, and this has removed some tension. We talk, but we talk only when I'm in a communicative mood. When I am, I'll call her. I hate getting random calls from her, and she has learned to accept that, as has the rest of my family. It's not great, but it's another issue of communication: She knows it's important to me, she knows it's helpful to me, and she is willing to work with me on my needs. I think my communication with her is abnormal, but highly functional. I know some other people my age who feel that they can't talk to their parents about anything, and even though my relationship with my mother is kind of bizarre, I really feel lucky that we have what we have.

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Are there any values like that that you would feel were something you'd really want you kids to have, are glad your kids have, wish your kids had, etc etc? Again, I'm not talking about turning your children into Xeroxes, but simply things which you care truly and deeply about and want or would want for your kids? ((And by the way if one of them contradicts anything I've said feel free to mention that too.))

Of the values my mother passed on to me (I say mother because my father had nothing to do with his children whatsoever), these are the 2 which I think are most important:

1) She accepted me for the person I was instead of the person she wanted

2) She forced me to accept responsibility for my actions, regardless of who I was.

I think those two values would help many persons on the spectrum achive a good sense of self-worth and independence.

My father once told me I was bright enough to do anything I wanted with my life. I took him at his word.

Interesting, because unconsciously, I think about this one a lot. I sometimes think that with all the books and movies I collect I am creating some sort of legacy for my children. I would want to share with them the things that have inspired my own imagination when I was younger. Plastic soldiers, dinosaurs, dragons, knights, blocks, legos, and lincoln logs. No wind-up mechanical toys. SOME videos games, say maybe the ones I played or got to play with them, but not too much. Many movies I saw when I was younger, but the right amount. Some wonderful old classics, like Godzilla and King Kong. I'd show them some of the better anime catroons (like Princess Mononoke) and even introduce them to Ralph Bakshi at age 10 or so (Wizards, Lord of the Rings). Low tech stuff is important because it would encourage imagination.

To this end, I would also encourage reading and storytelling. I might introduce to them Tolkien and C. S. Lewis, just to name a few, and to RPGs, and if they weren't too interested, see whatever it is they like. That, and I would be interested in teaching them about science and the natural world, especially dinosaurs. Nature documentaries, zoo trips, and pets would be useful too. Perhaps newts and fish to start with, then small mammals.

I would also be careful never to lie to them at a young age. I wouldn't try to tell them about Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy so as to confuse their conceptions about God later in life. Religious education would also be important, but I would need to take an active part in this as well. Too many churches have failed to provide more useful CCD.

However, I would try to be my child's friend, not manager or commander. I wouldn't try to force anything upon them, become needlessly hostile and threatening when they do ot meet my expectations, or worse still, insultingly project myself onto my children and see them as an extension of my success. I truly hate parents who do so. I would hope they'd be motivated to do well in school because learning is fun and useful, not because they think they must. It's not worth all that fuss.

When I get a car and if I ever raise a kid, I swear I will get one of those bumper stickers that says, "My kid beat up your Honor's student". That, and "Get off the phone and drive".

Great topic.
I'd say one of the most important thing would be integrity. I was raised to have integrity and I'm very grateful it's stuck with me!! I'd also say that I appreciated my mother encouraging me to always find the good in every situation. It's helped to see me through many challenging life experiences.
mellow

I grew up in an alcoholic disfunctional family and amazingly enough I did get some good from it. My mother taught me to roll with the punches. In my family my older brother had a brain tumor and survived, 2 other siblings are insulin dependent diabetics. She just handled it and learned what she had to.
This has served me well with my daughters who have aspergers and Ehlers - Danlos Syndrome. I have had to teach them about adversity and living life reagrdless of what faces you.

My mother demanded that we tell her the truth no matter what and take the consequences. I have done the same iwth my children. Accountability is very important in life.
Laure