Always confrontational

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Hello. I am new to the forum and looking for advice. I am a parent of a 15 year old who has autism. I am feeling really overwhelmed. Every time we try to have a conversation with our son about something he needs to do or will need to do he is always so angry and confrontational. He always accuses us of lying about things that were said or going back on our word. We try to write things down in front of him and have him participate in how an activity will go. For example, moving his bedtime back this week to get ready for school. We sat down and he helped us make the schedule. We wrote it down together. When we brought it up last night and asked him to go to bed 30 min early he started yelling at us, calling us horrible names, and telling how bad of parents we are. We showed him the schedule he helped to make and he accused us of changing it without him. We don’t know what to do but sometimes it just feels like I am going to break. We have a great therapist and his meds are all regulated. It breaks my heart that he thinks we would do those things. Is there anyone who has ASD who could make a suggestions on how we could make things better for everyone. Thank you in advance for your help.

Have you tried different diets?

I'm doing keto diet and it improves my symptoms but I don't have the same as your son.

I don't know what to do, but boy do I feel where you're coming from.

Here are a few ideas. They might help, or they might inspire some other, better ideas:

The schedule change might be frightening/upsetting to him because it is upending his established order and he is lashing out and accusing you of lying in order to try to "protect" himself from this change. It might help to acknowledge what he is probably actually feeling and try to avoid getting sucked into responding to the angry outbursts.

It might help to remind him more frequently of the expected change. Like, if he made the agreement a week ago, tape copies of it in several prominent locations and then remind him multiple times a day until it happens. That way he doesn't have a chance to forget.

This doesn't address the bed situation, but I've had some success recently with solutions that let my son take care of problems on his own, for example, a small trash can next to the toilet for when he uses too much TP (better TP in the can than plungering the toilet every day) and a designated dirty laundry box next to his bed where he can put clothes he wants washed and he knows that I know to wash them without him yelling about them. (So far. Wish me luck.)

I've also been making a point to make time for daily love and kindness meditation for a few minutes every morning. This is a time that's just for us when we relax and try to practice good feelings so we'll have an easier time remembering those feelings later. (We've been doing this for about a week.)

I find that my son is more responsive and easier to talk to while walking than while at home, so if I have something important to discuss, I try to bring it up during one of our walks.

Good luck.

Thank you for the support and suggestions. I think the hardest part is I feel like we are moving backward with behaviors instead of forward. I might have to go back to printing a schedule each day to start the year. Thank you again! It helps so much to know that I am not alone.

Speaking from my own experience, that kind behavior and anger generally come from anxiety and frustration. Not being able to either articulate what's going on on the inside in a way that people "get it".

Making abrupt changes to routine is extremely difficult. It is also extremely embarrassing to see yourself acting and feeling so out of control. Have you considered letting him make his own changes (or not) to his sleep schedule? It may lessen his anger and frustration is the situation if he feels like he as more control over whats happening instead of feeling he has to comply with something he really does not want to do. As a parent it sounds like a bad idea, but sometimes we have to learn by trial and error and even by failing.

That on some level has been the norm with my son. Fortunately he graduates in a year and I will looking at getting him in housing, I have had the exact feelings for years. You are not the bad guy or bad parents.

Maybe have a look at Pathological Demand Avoidance books and online resources

If you are unable to engage him to reflect on the source of his anger, you may be limited to only managing it. One possibility is to help him get a job. It might be best if he had one that was physically demanding. I was one of four guys in my high school class that had full time (over 40 hours a week) jobs. The four of us gained in perspective and maturity that I think others of our age might have also benefited from.