Teenagers and sexuality

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Hi, I'm new here--I have a 13 y.o. son who has expressed interest to his dad to "see sex." We have all the parental controls on his phone and ipad and we get a list of the sites he visits every week--mostly roblox and minecraft related haha. So, while I'm sure he's seen more than we're aware of, we do feel fairly comfortable that he isn't regularly viewing pornography. Our son is not really interested in movies or TV shows (we thought about picking a PG-13 or R movie with a sex scene, or maybe just giving him a clip from one of those movies?) Do we give him a Playboy? I'm at a loss here.
On a side note, we've talked with him for a long time about bodies, sex, pornography, consent, etc and we'll continue to do so.

Sex is a very private thing. Probably the only “sex” he should see is that found in PG-13 movies.

As you know, most people who are having sex would dislike a “non-participant” watching them.

I certainly wouldn’t encourage him to watch pornography.

I would emphasize the private nature of sex. That it’s ideal that two people love each other who are having sex.

That's very difficult to answer. When I was 13 I just went to school and obsessed over video games. I was ok.

It sounds like you have had a discussion of the subject with his about the mechanics and anatomy. These conversations can best be handled like an old German nurse might describe them. This removes any salacious component that might lead to stimulation.

He might be instructed about the visual stimulation aspect that engages lust and desire. Many young men have been led to make decisions which they later bitterly regret because they allowed exposure to this sort of stimulation.

If you are not concerned that your son might follow a path of casual fornication, you might allow him to pursue these indulgences. If you would prefer that you son be more selective perhaps waiting until marriage, you may wish to instruct him in caution regarding stimulation.

Restraint used to be more often encouraged particularly when STDs were not so curable. However, this current monkeypox seems to be destined to resurrect some of the caution that used to exist regarding casual fornication.

With so little information available in my teen years, I found out by using my height looks ( could grow facial hair) to purchase the top shelf magazines and read up. It's not the best source of information as it is to titillate first and inform perhaps second or third

I think it possible "Scarleteen" may be a better curated and edited source
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality
And I have had a quick skim read and yes, I would have appreciated having a resource like this with its un-sensational language when I was around thirteen.

I don't really have an answer for you. I was obsessed with jigsaw puzzles and The Beatles when I was 13.

If his wish is to "see sex" rather than "watch porn", it should he possible to allow himbtobwatch movies or TV shows where sex can be seen. My own child ended up seeing "sex" at 11 because she watched Game of Thrones with me and my brothers one Christmas. She also saw a whole lot of violence, and it doesn't seem to have caused any form of trauma in her. Neither did it cause any greater interest in doing sex.

One movie recommendation I'd like to make is Love Actually. It's rather sweet, very British, and depicts several different types of relationships that are possible (with consent). It also shows how sex scenes in movies are a total scam, which may be good for discussing how porn is nothing but an act, with props like fake bodily fluids and everything. I don't expect a 13yo boy to like that movie, but at least it gives you something to talk about.

Another thing that may or may not be worth talking about is making out with girls. Many girls will give in to a boy, thinking that trying it won't cause any harm. And then if they find they didn't like it, they still won't say it. Almost as if they're afraid to hurt the boy's ego. So there are intimate situations that do not involve what we usually consider "sex" that still need consent. And taking a moment in the middle of it to ask if the other person still consents whole-heartedly, could be a rather wise decision. It's easy for youths to be caught up in the moment, forget to communicate with a partner, and thus they may not notice subtle signals that the other person is uncomfortable and possibly wants to withdraw their consent.

Slightly off topic, but I don't know where else I would mention it.

My daughter is 16 and she has watched films with us all her life. When she got to 12, we watched certificate-12 films with her. When she got to 15, we watched certificate-15 films with her. Inevitably, the 15 rated films had sex scenes in so we watched those together and we discussed anything she wanted to discuss.

Maybe that is a good way ahead? It's very uncomfortable watching sex scenes with your child, but if you can try to push any embarrassment aside, it will hopefully make the child realise that sex isn't anything to be embarrassed about and it's a normal part of life.

I hope that helps

I feel bad for today's kids. They may have an internet full of porn, but they don't have the fun things I had: scrambled cable channels, free samples on phone sex lines, and parents' ignorance of computing. Imagine getting up at night, under the pretext of getting water or peeing, then turning on the cable TV. Imagine multiple guys huddling around a pay phone, ripping the handset from each other, just to hear a woman talk dirty. Imagine hiding downloaded porn in the C:\Windows\system32 folder. THAT'S what I call exciting!

When I was 13 I was still playing with My Little Pony and watching kid's cartoons.