I am beginning to really hate people and I don't like that

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Around the time I was 12, I started feeling dissociated, despondent, misunderstood, hateful, bitter and angry at a lot of things and precious lil "people".

Since I was about 30, I have been trying to minimize both love and hate, because

"there's a thin line between love and hate"

That is why I try to minimize both love and hate. Frequency intensity duration. Love is not good or bad inherently. Hate is not good or bad inherently. But when someone, such as shortfatbaldugly man, feels love or hate, they often react by doing things they regret having done (more often than when I do not feel love or hatred).

Love and hate are too strong and distracting

That is a very interesting concept, minimizing feeling love and hate. I might have to explore that.

It's that concept of moderation. Love or Hate - something in between? Passive or aggressive - something in between? Tell that to my nervous system.

"I'll be right with you when my parasympathetic system kicks in ... it could be a while."

Back at ya!



And if you are at a table with people you enjoy being with and one glass is just a touch out of reach to clink... do you go out of your way, or let it go? ---- I can't help but feel these choices deeply. Exhausting. Everybody else is all "bottoms up" and I am analyzing trajectories.

I can't even be at a table with people like that. ^
Glass clinking? Nope - misophonia.
Sitting on a chair? Nope.
Using a table? Nope.
Group enthusiasm? I'd be hiding under the table if I had to be there.

I can barely tolerate interacting with one person in my own home.

Hmm...

At best I could care less about people.
As a child I dislike people.

And just grew to hate humanity. Including my own.

I do not see true malice.
Just helplessness and fear. And whatever subconscious crap I have to put up with. Especially my own.

The worst part is that this isn't 'news'. Things that are on the news -- like how atrocities are -- but is actually rare.
No. The worst part is that it's 'normal'. Tiny, seemingly inconsequential things. It's not an NT/ND thing, it's a human thing.

Only that NT get away with the BS because people understand the BS, and the BS is done at the 'right time', 'right place' and with the 'right people'.

That calling out to the BS is a form if relationship -- good ones meant becoming more aware and a catalyst for growth and change.

By being vigilant, by knowing and able to regulate feelings and the thoughts of self, by being able to ground to reality quickly...

Only that it's not easy if the BS is actually gaslighting or something of a genuine concern, or an utter critic -- this is the part that may or may not be autism, or just related to emotional intelligence overall.


I'm just asocial to the core.
Not agoraphobic or anything to do with social anxiety and intolerance to uncertainty.
I'm not antisocial. I just hate the nature of humanity to a near obsession.

But not people, certainly never individuals.
I cannot hate 'them' for their 'programs' -- I hate 'their' 'programs' and 'mine'; like how I cannot hate the child for their parents and vice versa.

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Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

update: The doctor has refused to write the letter unless I agree to a new evaluation. I think that is bs so I decided not to bother. The reason it's bs is because she is the doctor who diagnosed me with the issue as well as being my primary care doctor and she treats me on a very frequent and regular basis for osteopathic manipulation and she also sees me for everything else. So she sees me all the time. She treats this specific issue almost every single time she sees me which is like once a month. She literally saw me and treated me a few days ago. She also knows how difficult and overwhelming it is for me to see new doctors. So, for her to say that a new doctor, that she doesn't have any connection to, that I have never met who is at a different office has to see me and evaluate a condition as if it were new, that she has diagnosed and is currently treating and that she has been treating me for for over a year, just so that she can write me a letter asking for a simple and basic accommodation, is total bs and I am not going to do it.

Second update: After I complained that the doctor sending me to someone else was total bs, and asked them to give her the message to never speak to me about this particular issue again, she wrote me a message and said that she would be glad to reevaluate my shoulder and write me the letter once she had reevaluated it in our next visit in two weeks. I thanked her and agreed so now we are on good terms again. Unfortunately, she will be finishing her term at this office and moving on to a new job in June. I will miss her as she is one of the few doctors I have met who is willing to listen and learn. After she leaves, I will have to train a new one. I am glad we finally saw eye to eye on this shoulder thing but it is a darned shame that it took so much ridiculous effort to get to this agreement.

Perhaps people trying to get things off their plate, not knowing how heavy it is on our plate. My husband will do that "just..." ----- sorry, Husband, it may be a "just" for you, but it's not "just" for me, so let's reconsider my request: 15 min for you vs 2 hours for me. Sometimes I tease him... "do you 'just' want to...? (things that take me 15 min relative to his 2 hours --- or take me just as long or longer than him, but I don't mind) Unfortunately, this doesn't work for drs.

I'm nervous to see my PCP in June. First time since my group insurance was reinstated with my new job. After my last visit I was upset b/c I wanted/needed to schedule my appt for my birthday month and the office policies are prohibitive: I call too early, I call too late, it's 2 weeks within their 12-month blah, blah, blah. I've made multiple attempts over the years and it's energy-sapping. Could I accept that my appt is Whenever each year? Seems reasonable for the average person. Not for me. Fortunately I have been able to schedule the kids appts during their birthday months, so that's been a saving grace.

I hope you are healing where you can.