My brother-in-law

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So early in our marriage, one of my two brothers-in-law seemed very uncomfortable around me and I think wondered why his sister had married me. I didn't feel he in fact wanted much to do with me, but my wife refused to accept this.

There was a situation when he and I had to drive to the beach, about a 3 hour drive. During the entire drive he kept up a sort of monolog in an apparent attempt to avoid actually interacting with me. I sort of just accepted that for what it was.

Many years later, having recently been kicked out of the house by his 2nd wife (why either wife threw him out is perplexing however the problem with the first marriage may have been more the wife than him) he is now living in our basement. Just to be clear, he has earned way more money than I over the course of his life and is a successful professional heading a practice, so he's not necessarily dependent. I guess over time, he and I have gotten to a point where we are able to interact easily, not that I would discuss any "deep" subjects with him. TBH it's probably me that changed more than he. I don't know if you'd call it masking but over the decades I've learned a lot what to do and what not to do around people. Also I think that by staying married to his sister for 38 years and successfully raising two sons, I've earned some of his respect.

Not asking for advice. This is just what has happened.

It can be tricky with in-laws of course, because we don't get to choose them, they're more thrust upon us whether we like it or not. Same is true for him of course. So not surprising that 2 randomly thrown together people don't automatically get on perfectly. Me, I try to resist associating with people I feel uncomfortable with, and I don't really agree with the excuse "you've got to, they're family," but I'm aware that most of the world does buy into that idea, so I don't shout about my personal view in the presence of "family," and I do try to make a bit of effort until there are clear reasons why it's going to be too difficult.

I've been 30 years with my spouse. It took 10 years for the eldest sister-in-law to warm up to me (now she adores me like a little sister). She says the key was seeing that I treated her mother (my mother-in-law) so well. It took 20 years for the other sister-in-law to warm up to me. That could be my respectful parenting earning some street cred. Even my resentful sister is coming around a bit. Near 50 years and counting for that relationship.

Teasing: Glad it's doable with your bum of a BIL in the basement.

When my older sister got married, her husband was ok, then he changed, he drank, he was alcoholic, I think he still is. I was living on my own for 6 years before my mom died, then I moved back into my mom house, my sister was living there with her teenage son, she was separated from her husband, almost a year later, my nephew became so out of control, depression, skipping school & a VERY BAD BEHAVIOR, he had bad behavior with his mother (my sister) Anyway my brother-in-law moved into my mom’s house with me, my sister & their son, he helped take care of him, my sister couldn’t handle him. She said to me if her husband acts bad toward me, her & my nephew or my sister dog, she will kick him out of the house, she lied to me,he was very bad, he became drunk, he was in jail, my sister bailed him out It was VERY HARD living with my sister & her husband, he continued to drink, he wasn’t nice to me, he even made fun of me, he tried to set me up by making me crazy, cuz he was drinking, he hid his beer bottles, my sister was away, he talked to her on phone & lied to her, I found the beer bottles. It was a NIGHTMARE living with my sister & her CRAZY stupid husband.

My dad and his only BIL didn't speak or get along for years.
They were forced to figure it out and ended up pretty close.
My uncle was one of the last people to come see Dad in hospital.
My mum wasn't even going at that point.

Isabella, interesting, now that you mention it, similar dynamic occurring with my elders. My dad is getting closer to his BIL, and not as close with my mom.

I wouldn't describe my BIL as a "bum". He has earned a high income for years but both his wives expected an affluent lifestyle. In fact he and his wife downsized a couple of years ago but still spent a lot on redoing the new, smaller house (admittedly they did a lot of the work themselves but they did also spend a lot of money). TBH I don't know why his wife can't live with him anymore. He was very popular in HS and had lots of friends but both his marriages tanked. At present he doesn't have a lot of slack in his personal budget however he's not in debt or unemployed (in fact I am afraid he is working too much for his age and state of health).

BTW my brother-in-law is still the official "breadwinner" for his family (a wife and 2 children in their early 20s) and of course continues to pay the mortgage etc. He just no longer actually lives there.