Crushing in the 50s

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So, long story short, Best childhood friend knew of bullying and abuse I suffered in Junior High and some anxiety I had, but not huge specifics. (Like, he didn't know I had suicidal thoughts, though never a concrete plan - say 6, maybe closer to 7 on scale of 1-10. His grandfather had shot himself a couple years earlier so I didn't want to bring back bad memories for him.) This friend was one of the great support system I had getting through it and on which I relied in high school - guys who knew I acted goofy and liked me anyway. Once I got to high school I figured that was behind me and didn't have those thoughts anymore.

This friend was robberd at gunpoint and some other thigns happened I don't know what, but by our mid-20s he was doing things like cursing blue streaks in public and other thigns which triggered flashbacks and yet acted like he could do whatever he wanted; which reminded me even more of those bullies (including some teachers who didn't seem to care what I'd gone through.)

So, I kinda liked his sister, who has been married and divorced since, mostly as a friend since she was 2 years younger; never dated her but would have; there was a small part of me that hoped she'd go to the same college I went to but I still remmember thinking "Yeah, long distance at 2 different colleges wouldn't work, plus I can't see well so I can't drive to see her 2 hours away." I've had some relationships with women but nothing ever lasted beyond 7-8 months.

After being Facebook friends with her for several years, I found myself thinking about her a lot - her profile picture has her at a desk with the prettiest smile, and I'd think about her personality and how friendly and smart she was, and how she always cared about me. And, I did something dumb to "prove myself" to her - I tried to diagnose her brother and figure out why he got the way he did and started bullying me himself, so she could help him, in case he still needed help. I didn't realize till later what I was doing - to parody a song you may know from Halloween time, "I had a crush, I had a monster crush (a monster crush), hormones woud not hush (a monster crush), everything's in a rush (a monster crush) meanwhile the brain is mush!

She was upset and unfriended me, but in her reply she *did* acknowledge the pain I must have felt, though she didn't know specifically what her brother had done, and said that he had really matured over the last few decades, which is something else I needed to hear.

I'm glad she unfriended me - I needed someone to do something so I wouldn't keep thinking about her. But, for those like me who are middle-aged and unmarried, do you find yourself still acting like a high schooler around crushes? She understands I have Asperger's, and I know she'd think I was crazy if I said I had a crush on her but at the same time, I know she's happy with a great life, has 2 wonderful adult kids, Bread's song "Diary" is my go to song that I've dedicated in my mind to her, because I am sure she's happy now, and I do wish for her ane her family all the sweetest, best things they can find in life.

I did apologize to her right away, and I think she read it, but NTs tend to need time to cool down, so I've just ignored the situation for a while now. I might for good - I've come to realize I don't need that great group of friends from high school around me anymore, and I really had part of me that was hoping it could be just like before. (Though of course we'd just be chatting on the phone with each other, since everyone's in different cities and some in different states now.)

So, I guess part of this is just to vent. But, it's crazy how my brain does get so hyperfocused on something that I get like I would in school.

Although it's sure a lot better than PTSD and the hyperfocus on intrusive thoughts from that other stuff. The nice thing is, now I have something else to think of when I think of that friend (who I asssociate with another who moved away and I never heard from after high school, I've learned to think of him as just a different person from the one starting in our 20s, because while int he same body his behavior was just so different). I can think of the fact that he's a lot better now and so wouldn't trigger me on purpose, and also my mind can naturally say, "Oh, yeah, that's the brother of the friend I had a crush on when we were in our 50s."

Sometimes with Asperger's, at least for me, it's all about word/image association. If I have that positive image (as well as when we were in school when kids/teens) then that can easily overwhelm the bad images.

But she wouldn't need to hear all that. Sometimes this stuff gets too complex for NTs. Although she did take several psychology classes in college, so she may understand more than I think.