Our 3 Year Old Just Diagnosed as Autistic

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Hi everyone,
I've been a member since 2011 because I kept being told by people that I might be on the spectrum. In the end I finally got tested in 2019 but the psychiatrist said it was 50/50 so didn't diagnose autism, but did diagnose GAD.
My girlfriend and I had our first kid who just turned 3 and earlier this year we were called in to daycare to talk about our son's behaviour. Basically he was having trouble transitioning between activities and would get distracted by cupboard doors. When the teacher would try to pull him away from opening and closing doors he'd throw a tantrum.
This was surprising to us because he's mostly good at home and is capable of listening, especially to me I guess coz I'm bigger and louder than him Mum lol. There were also a few other examples of him clashing with his teacher.
So we took him to a pediatrician two days ago and within 15 minutes, including him asking us questions that made it seem like he already knew our son quite well, he was diagnosed as being mildly autistic. My partner cried but later said she was just emotional in general, not because he's been diagnosed as autistic. We both agreed that it's actually a relief. It explains certain things and I'm finding myself seeing him a different way now and appreciating him more in the sense that certain behaviours are not being chosen, that's just who he is. Certain things that seemed "naughty" might have actually been from the frustrations that I myself have known but couldn't articulate to the world. How much more frustrating must it be for him at 3?
I just thought I'd see if anyone had any general advice to get started on this journey. I spent about 10 years believing I was autistic and became very familiar with some users here and autism-related issues but this feels completely different given that it affects someone else now and that person is quite young.

You will probably get a lot of advice exhorting you to give him space and let him do his own thing. It might be beneficial for him to have boundaries and behaviors such that he learn to control himself. This will give him more options in life than expecting that everyone he meets will cut him slack.

At age three he is still very young. Autism in the DSM is in a larger group called PDD or Pervasive Developmental Delay.
One thing to look at at this age is how your child may hit developmental milestones later than same age peers. He may also far exceed them in other areas, like reading early, or being precocious in math. Some milestones may not be met at all, or not met until adulthood. Autism often includes sensory hyper-sensitivities and hypo-sensitivities, and/or emotional hyper-sensitivities and hypo-sensitivities. There may be some trouble with executive functioning (organization and time management) and difficulty with some types of abstraction, and (the one everyone knows) difficulty with social communication. He may develop special interests that are unusual in how narrow or how deep they are.

I think it is also normal for parents to go through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
You might progress through these in a nice orderly march, or in a chaotic hodgepodge. Finding out your child is handicapped, or "different" requires some adjustment. In some ways you have to grieve the loss future you were envisioning for him and you. You may also find (as you mentioned) that greater knowledge means greater understanding and greater empathy and love.

Another thing to consider: there is a strong genetic component for autism. It is unusual for a child to be autistic and have neither parent be autistic. Neither your diagnosis (or non-diagnosis) nor your son's was from an autism specialist. It might be worth looking for one in your area who you can trust.

And hopefully pass this well thought guidance to his teachers.
Or, find a preschool that caters to his needs.
There may be some local, city, or state sponsored programs or benefits that could help along your journey.

Hello!

I have 4 kids, and three are diagnosed nonverbal autistic. We knew around at 6 months for the oldest.

Each kid is different. My oldest girl is 7 and an agent of chaos. She is like this punk kid that just wants to destroy things and cause havoc.

My youngest girl is about to turn three and she is a sweetheart. She is very empathetic, very helpful, and although I am a 39 year old man, I consider her to be my best friend (other than my wife). Weird huh? She is just such a kind person.

I contrast that with her big sister. Her big sister threw a heavy object at my head because I stopped her from doing something she wanted to do (probably get to something and destroy it).

My 5 year old son screams a lot and poops on the floor. We are thankful he is now peeing in the potty. The 7 year old daughter is somewhat potty trained as well. We have to have locks on all doors. If they get access to a toilet they stuff things in it to the point of clogging it. My 7 year old habitually takes the back cover off toilets and throws them on the ground.

Oh, and they both refuse to wear clothes at home.

My youngest son is 16 months old and is already showing some signs of autism, and hasn't spoken since saying "cat" a few months ago a few times.

I am optimistic about their long run prospects but trying to survive the day to day.

My suggestion is to, best you can, tune into your child and try to see the world from their eyes. Then mold the world to their needs as much as practical. You've probably absorbed a lot of general information over the years, and know that ASD individuals can vary quite a lot, with different suggestions meeting different needs and personalities. The goal now is to sift through for the concepts and protocols that meet this unique child's needs.

Raising an ASD child can get very intense, but it can also be the most beautiful experience. Love your child, keeps eyes and ears open to them, and ignore most of what other people think or say.