Autistic with bipolar spouse

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I'm a self-diagnosed older aspie man married to a formally diagnosed bipolar woman whom I deeply love, in spite of our many issues. Wanted to reach out to any bipolar people here for insight on my wife's responses to my autistic traits.

She has very deep trust issues, and has lived through more trauma than any human being ever should. Except when she is at her sunniest, she is prone to making cynical remarks, and usually takes the pessimistic view. She has talked to me about how when she was younger she used to have two personas that she privately gave names to -- one much more open but extremely fragile, and another that was ultra-protective, very strong-willed but very narrow and closed-minded, emotionally closed, and actively confrontational. When the tender one felt too stressed, the tough one would take over.

She gets very upset by my non-typical facial expressions, vocal tones, and other bad social pragmatics. At times she speaks as though those must be the real me, which puts all my tender explicit words and kind actions in doubt for her, as if it were all an act on my part.

I read somewhere that bipolar people may react very negatively to perceived inconsistency in other people. In all my deliberate words and deeds I am consistent to a point verging on obsession, but I am now realizing that she may be responding to the inconsistency between what I intentionally say and do, and my involuntary aspie traits.

When I first seriously broached the subject of my ASD the other day, she rejected the very idea that my expressions, tone, etc. are often beyond my control. Not expecting any magic fix here, but any suggestions welcome on how to convince her it really is involuntary.

I also have a question about paranoid thinking. It's my impression that some bipolar people are aware that they have some paranoid thinking, and have some ways to get internal distance from it. When my wife is feeling better she shows some awareness of what happens at other times, but when she is in the grip of a paranoid thought, she seems totally dominated by it. I'm not sure she even has the concept of taking internal distance from what she is feeling right now. Again, any feedback welcome.

Maybe find some good authoritative-looking articles on the topic online, and then email her some links?

Question: Has she ever named the specific kinds of "expressions, tone, etc." of yours that she finds especially objectionable?

I have the same situation, also older and self-diagnosed. Unfortunately, my wife declined to provide any advice. When I read your self description to her, she agreed those traits also distress her (her words were a little stronger ). My wife accepts my self-diagnosis, and I think that makes things a little smoother. Actually, my daughters therapist agreed that I was probably ASD and the three of them discussed it. Anyway, everything you said sounds familiar.

It sounds like she accepts that you are ASD but is she willing to learn about it? You describe social communication deficits, which is of course one half of a diagnosis. This situation is called the double-empathy problem. Maybe find a example of it that fits your situation and ask her to read/watch it.

Very reasonable suggestions, thank you.

She has not specifically described the kinds that she finds objectionable, but I would say impatience, disapproval, and personal disrespect are the most common things she attributes to me based on expressions, tone, etc. I would hazard a guess that it's usually due to some kind of unintentional frown and/or irregular rising tone in my voice. I know that those are both things I unwittingly do.

It's nice not to be alone, thank you. I'm very fascinated with the double empathy problem. I would venture to say that I think "mind reading" is not compatible with true respect for others.

I'm not sure how willing she will be to learn about it, but I'm far from giving up. Often she has very black-and-white thinking, and bluntly asserts that that is just how the world really is. She doesn't distinguish between her own perspective and how things actually are. She once showed me a sign saying "the wife is always right", and it didn't seem to be a joke. I'm sure these are defense mechanisms. She has endured multiple terrible traumas, and I think that affects her emotional empathy.

But we have managed to remain a couple for nearly a decade now, and that could not have happened if we didn't both really want it deep down. She has tolerated many of my eccentricities, and often expresses genuine warmth too. On a very few occasions too, she suddenly seems to have ten times the emotional and intellectual capacity she ordinarily operates with. I like to believe that is her true self shining through. She used to be very "high-functioning", but had a severe breakdown during the time between when I first knew her as a co-worker and when we became a couple. She has gotten tremendously better since that low point, but never fully recovered.

There was also a beautiful story that brings tears to my eyes. This is a tangent, but I'm going there anyway, because we are human too. When she was beginning to recover, she dreamed about me -- the former co-worker she used to be attracted to and have heartfelt conversations with -- and couldn't remember my name, but then went to a huge effort to track me down. That has a lot to do with why I married her, despite having already gotten a sample of the kinds of issues we could have. I decided it was worth it. She somehow remembered my soul, and went in search of me. That really made me feel wanted. We had a few awkward "I'm not sure if it's a date" occasions (the awkwardness being all on my side), but then it became clear.

In those days, she presented like what I now refer to as her true self shining through. She calls it a "good manic" state, and says that unfortunately once it recedes she has only very hazy recollection of what happened, and how she felt while she was in that enhanced mode. Maybe technically it's hypomanic, but when it's happening, she's suddenly far more alert, articulate, strong seeming, happy, and extremely recognizing of me in ways that she ordinarily is not. It's a beauty to behold. But I've only seen it a handful of times since that first couple of months.