Things that shouldn't be hard

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There are many things that I find so hard to do that they are nearly impossible.

If I really just have to do a thing, I have to really work hard to gather up all my strength and just be really dogged about it, kind of going into autopilot/tunnel-vision, as if I'm walking through a long tunnel and I have to put all of my focus on taking each step until I get to the end. (If I have to make decisions along the way, and especially if they are decisions I have to make on the fly, it's even harder.)

But it takes a whole lot out of me, and afterward I feel as if I've been through an ordeal and barely escaped and all I can think is, "I'm never doing that again." But it's not an option because I will have to do it again.

It's very hard to explain. It's not to do with executive function, it's more like there's this nearly-insurmountable wall.

Some examples: calling the city to straighten out my incorrect tax bill; hiring a guy to clean up the yard at a house I don't live in but am responsible for; going to the dentist; going to the doctor. I don't work anymore but when I had to apply for jobs, especially the interview, I dreaded it so much it was like I was being taken to my execution. I know everyone finds these things at least a little stressful, but for me it's just over-the-top.

Is this an autistic thing? Does anyone even know what I am talking about? Or is it just a strictly-me thing?

Have you ever been assessed for depression? I just say this, as that "inability" to 'do things" is a marker for depression. Do know, also, there's nothing wrong with being so. What are your thoughts on that?

I have this experience with lots of practical things.

I'm curious, what makes you say it is unrelated to executive function? I do have issues in many of the areas that are said to fall under that, though I still have some doubt whether it is one thing.

Everything's hard: Social, Sensory, Executive Function, Planning, Doing, Finishing, Emotions, Adulting.

All of it. There really isn't anything I find easy or comfortable except stimming.

I can't book a table at a restaurant or buy a bike without getting anxious.

It was easier to get my wife to the hospital when she needed to give birth to our daughter.

Part of that probably is autism related. Things are just not set up in a way that's easy for us. It's not done deliberately, people just genuinely don't seem to realize how hard some of this stuff is for us. And, sometimes it is done intentionally trying to get fewer people in general to do something, but it impacts us to a greater degree.

I do think that a lot of this stuff will get easier as the community grows and more of it gets crowdsourced. Some of the things that you listed are things where the community could just create a checklist or worksheet to cover. I've seen at least one YouTuber that sells little autism related worksheets for a few dollars as a way of supporting her channel. For those in the UK, I saw that some of the transit companies give out free jam cards to those that have a UK mailing address. It's cool to have a card that quickly requests "just a minute" and explains on the other side that the holder has autism and requires more time to respond.

Personally, I'm in the middle of creating my own set of worksheets to help manage money in a more executive dysfunction friendly way. Which has turned out to be a bit harder than I was expecting, as I just know what I'm doing, I can't really explain it in a simple way. At least not simple enough to make for a decent worksheet, but I'll get there.

Opentable has been an absolute godsend for that. In general, it's great how many services that had to be done over the phone can now be done over the internet. It's not like there ever needed to be a lot of talking about what was needed for a reservation anyways.


TBH, I thought that was the case, but as somebody that completely forget how, it's a lot harder than I was expecting. But, I'm sure it will get easier over time. Especially when I get hooked up with an occupational therapist to at least nail down which senses require special attention.

Perhaps it is related to executive function, I don't really know, but the reason I said I didn't think it was is because it feels more like dread than an inability to plan. Mostly it has to do with dealing with people. For instance, it's easier for me to take the bus, even though it requires much more planning, than to take an Uber or Lyft because with the car services I have to deal with a person.

But then there are also things I find hard that don't have to do with people. For instance paying bills online. I just get worried that I will get overwrought and upset. I have to find the email that has the amount owed, then look up my password, then go to the site to pay the bill and follow all the steps, and sometimes it doesn't work or it's not entirely clear where I'm supposed to click etc. I worry that it's going to upset me so I put it off, especially if it's an operation I haven't done before. I'd much rather pay bills by writing a check, but there isn't a mailbox near me and I don't have a car.

I also have a chronic illness (ME/CFS or chronic fatigue syndrome) that is unrelated to autism, which makes me very tired all the time and upends my sleep schedule, so I worry that if I make an appointment I won't be able to go, and canceling an appointment makes me even more anxious than just going anyway, even if I feel horrible.

Also consider that us Auties reportedly like routine and consistency.

Having to do something you don't routinely do might make you anxious.

Repetition, when possible, might make it easier.

What you say about dread vs planning makes good sense.

I experience major dread about some things, and moderate dread of public or group activities, or interaction with strangers. But what I actually feel about a lot of the things I have trouble getting done or getting started is either just apathy because I care more about something else, or frustration with myself if I am trying to meet expectations that I do care about. What you are describing is a bit different.

"should", "can" and "will" are all three different things.

Plenty of things, I find way too hard. For example, for me: fixing clogged sink, ant infestation, talking to neighbors about their dogs in my backyard, fixing the shower bar.

different people find different things hard, for many different reasons.