Grief of Parent - Am I in meltdown?

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Hi Wrong Planet,

I'm suffering and I don't understand what's happening with me, can you help by sharing your experience or knowledge or advice please

I was identified as autistic when working with a multi skilled counsellor in 2017 when I was 49 it made sense in so many ways. I already worked less than full time hours with a little bit of flexibility. I did some research and carried on with life. I was able to understand a difficult spell at work as a shutdown after a particular event, which took 3-4 weeks of quiet time and solo time while still working. I learned from that event and avoided such in future.

Summer 2021 covid struck and I then had long covid for 12-15 months though kept working with reduced hours. My anxiety (and other feelings - i'm not good with feeling - just seem to be lots of them) was poor in this time not knowing if I would get better, eventually I recovered mainly. In September 2022 Dad got a sudden liver cancer diagnosis and I was with him for all his medical appointments, saw him daily and he died quickly at the end of October 2022

I was closer to Dad than Mum (still well for 85) and its been very tough even hell at times. I've had good support for loss over the months since Dad died. When I revisited CBT 3 months ago I realised I was stuck and overwhelmed with loads of strong emotions. I'm still working my job (IT) and have increased my self care, walking on the coast, away for a weekend climbing a mountain, a few hours away from wife and family for quiet. I've even shut myself away in the man cave / garden shed for an afternoon. I feel stuck even claustrophobic and have difficulty doing stuff I could do easily. I want to do these things, just have no energy or concentration to do them. I can dip into black spells about losing Dad and other people though it only lasts a few days. I feel I'm coming to accept the loss however I'm still in a fog, hate myself and am not functioning properly, I can't seem to get out of this pit

Am I in autistic burnout, or overwhelm? Should I be seeking some sort of help I don't know about? Life is miserable and I feel so stuck, useless and irritated. I'll work at anything that will help and I've tried a few things (meditation, yoga, bereavement counselling, peer to peer support with grief)

Maybe it is just grief?

When my Mom died (in her 50s) I hurt for about 10 years...after which I just missed her.

When my Dad died (in his 90s) it was more expected...though I still often think of conversations I'd like to have with him.

So sorry your dad died.

I'm no psychologist, but my understanding is that grief can develop into depression, particularly if you have a bit of that in you before the grief hits. The way you describe your current state is more or less exactly how I've felt when I've been depressed - that being unable to do really basic things, getting overwhelmed and then giving myself a hard time over it. Stuck, useless and irritated all sound familiar. I don't know how much of what you're describing is down to autism.

It sounds like you're on the right track with the self-care. Maybe you just need more time to grieve, maybe you need more talking therapy. How are you with sharing these feelings with your family?

I'm very sorry about your loss. I know that this isn't an easy time for you to say the least.

It could be depression brought on by grief, or it could be autistic burnout. I think with burnout, autistic traits tend to become more prominent. Obviously, with depression, the autism doesn't play a prominent role, if any at all. If you feel as though your autistic traits have become more prominent, to the point that others are noticing, I would look into seeing a therapist that specializes in adults with autism. For anything else, a good therapist who doesn't necessarily specialize in autism could probably be helpful. Either way, do what's best for you to help you through this time of grief, and again, I want to express my deepest sympathies and condolences to you and your family.

Thank you for your comments and support

My counsellor has said I need to give self care and lots of downtime

I’m working with a bereavement counsellor, which is helping though only two sessions in so far

I seem to be realising that the pain of loss will come and go, still quite painful as Dad’s only been gone 9 months. The pain will be part of my life

I must be thankful for having him for 54 years of my life and being who he was and doing what we did as family

All seems sensible, it just hurts