Ruined a very good job opportunity through apathy

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I got a job last year through a job search site writing TV-related articles for a fairly prominent pop culture website. It was a job I had wanted for years but either never managed to get or never got around to applying for. I had to go through some minor training to prove I could write for the site but fortunately I easily passed and was hired as a contributor. It was a very low paying job ($10-$30 per article) but because I didn't care about the money so much, it didn't bother me.

However, once I got the job, I made up every excuse not to write for them, including not liking the section I was writing for, not liking the format and style of the site, not liking their politics, not being interested in any of their or my ideas, etc. Ultimately, I ended up writing nothing for over a year, while being aware that I was still an official contributor due to the fact that I was still receiving updates from them and was logged in to their site and various communication apps.

Just recently, however, I noticed I wasn't receiving any more updates from them and when I tried to access the site and various apps, I noticed I was logged out and could no longer access anything. The projects page on one of the apps was still there but all the projects were old and there was no way of directly connecting with anyone. At this point I realized I had been removed as contributor, most likely for consistently not contributing (even though I never got a formal message saying I had been removed).

At first I didn't care that much, thinking that it was an inevitability and that I wasn't missing much, but now a week later I absolutely hate myself. It's extremely difficult for me to get jobs, especially ones in this field (since they're few and far between), so although I may have had the aforementioned reasons for not submitting any articles, I still don't understand the logic behind my reasoning. I guess you can argue that this is only a result of me losing the job and if I were to still have it I'd feel the same as before.

The sad part is that that's probably true- I did need to lose the job to want to do it because I realize now that I am very much capable of doing it, I just didn't feel that way when it was still available. Except now it's impossible to do anything about it. Part of me wishes that it's just a misunderstanding on my end and that I'm still a part of the site but the truth is much more difficult to accept. I don't seem to be able to properly utilize anything while I still have it, even something as obviously valuable as this, because it appears worthless to me at the time, which means I end up not being able to be productive at all. I think I've learned this lesson many times before but it hasn't seemed to change my approach to anything.

That's a tricky one. I think it's called 'self-sabotage.' Have you had counselling to see why you self-sabotage?

I used to do that a lot but I'm learning not to. Good luck!

You may be able to develop a routine to avoid becoming apathetic.
As a retiree there is no requirement for me to do anything on many days.
But, I like to do something and write it down on my calendar, so I don't get into the habit of not doing stuff.
This way I have a better chance of meeting all my medical appointments and other stuff I have to do.