Problems with Slander

Post Reply New Topic

We got an extended friend group that meets up at bars and parties. i am in my 30s. I knew people in this extended group since high school but i was dating a lot in my 20s and my girlfriends didnt want me around those crowds. so 2 years ago i decided to reconcile with those people agian so in mid 2021, i had the first incident with them. i went out with those ppl and ran into a girl named N. She was very into me for a short time, even showing extremely dramaticized emotion. She barely knew me but did things like accuse me of not loving her enough. A month later or so however things with her changed and she found another guy and ran off to another town with him. Before doing that, she told ppl in the group that I could be putting drugs in peoples drinks to damage me. She had a friend name J who went along with the gossip until i confronted them and they promised its a misunderstanding. and crap like that wont happen again so J later gets a job at a new bar in late 2021. and another guy from the group named M gets a job there so J becomes nicer to me but in mid 2022 i mentioned to her that i know how to look up peoples criminal records and she overreacted and tried to get the bar to ban me so i dont look up her record The people at the bar helped and calmed down the situation so i keep going out with the group and keep going to J's bar. Finally in 2023, the management decides to fire J. I come in there and J is not there and ask what happened with her. J's friend at the bar named T ticks off J and they both go on a smear campaign around me town telling bartenders to not serve me drinks and stated a bunch of things that were false whats your read on this and why is this crap happening?

Welcome to Wrong Planet

You probably need to look for another group.

Some people like to create drama.
I've known a few people like this, they're not usually well liked and trip themselves up sooner or later with their lies.

why another group?

Because with this group you keep running into problems and they probably won’t change so there is no obvious reason why you will not keep having problems with them.

per Movie Patton : George C Scotts famous quote : "America Loves a Winner..And will not tolerate a Loser ." Even if the BS ing person is making themselves out to be a winner,and anyone admires that?
Now this sounds harsh...but it is mindthink of average NTs , imho and might be particularily common in groupie types that frequent bars . Then there are the large number of bar denizens ,whom will agrandize themselves with lies and back them up at all costs ,generally due to inebriation & possibly feelings of inadequatcy And there will be overly dramatic persons whom might feel power that they have excluded someone from the group . Particularily if in their lives they have felt less control than others they observe . And if your being subject to employees, whims of whom "they might or might not serve.."You may have to wait for staff changes, Possibly even ownership changes . Often Aspies have a tendency to use language differently (more succintly or more intelligently)? and this can stand out to people looking for a scapegoat or a target.
Intelligent observations are usually not welcome by people in bars very well . But all this might be only conjecture, if I hadn't personally experienced it . Sometimes if you have noticed you have been without social engagement for awhile .. Might look for other outlets . . . . Other than a bar. But if your just a watcher at one of those , and do not engage much of anybody, they can be a good people watching opportunity.((Best Wishes in your Situations))
Of Course , all if this post is merely my own opinion

I'm a little unclear as to what you mean here. What is the relationship of your "girlfriends" to "those crowds"? Were your girlfriends part of those crowds and trying to get you exiled from their own clique (perhaps out of jealousy?), or were your girlfriends separate from "those crowds," disapproving of them and trying to get you away from them, either for your own protection or perhaps out of jealousy?


Beware of too-rapid "falling in love" -- it's often a sign of a person who is emotionally unstable at best. Also, beware of prospective romantic partners who make unreasonable demands from the get-go.


As far as you are aware, has she slandered anyone else, or just you?


Did you ever look up her criminal record? If so, what kind of crime(s)?


Did you ever find out why she was fired?


My guess is that J is afraid you'll get her fired from her next bartending job, and is therefore trying to isolate you from all the other local bartenders and bar owners so they won't listen to you.

Alas, it appears that protonothon's problems aren't just with a particular group, but rather with someone badmouthing protonothon to every bartender and every bar owner in town.

If I am reading this correctly, getting away from that situation would require not just finding a new group, but also a radical change in lifestyle, to having a social life that takes place somewhere other than in bars. Such a lifestyle change would probably be beneficial, but might not be what protonothon wants to do.

In the latter case, the O.P.'s only option is to try to find some way to confront and clear up the situation.

Let me try to answer those questions.

Thanks for the clarification.


Here you refer to yourself as a man, but your profile says you are female. Apparently the latter is a mistake? You might want to edit your profile.

Anyhow, it seems to me that the only place where "expressing strong interest immediately" is likely to work well is in the movies, where there just isn't enough time to show a relationship develop in any reasonable way.


Hopefully this means it won't be too hard for you to challenge the credibility of her allegations against you?


It doesn't explain that, but perhaps explains the current round of accusations.

As for why she participated in the original round of accusations, my guess is that she was just lazily repeating stuff that she heard from her friend, without questioning it. Unfortunately, a lot of people have the very bad habit of passing along gossip without questioning it.

What would be your advice going forward?