Social struggles in college. Any advice?

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_Artemis_
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10 Jul 2023, 6:10 pm

Hello,
I'm 21 with adhd (formally diagnosed when i was in primary school) and aspergers (self-diagnosed a few years ago), currently in college (not in the US). I grew up without a father (he left and i saw him rarely) which has made things even worse as i had to learn many things by myself or by asking others, often, after failures. My dad's pretty extroverted / socially intelligent and could have helped me overcome many issues caused by aspergers, but yeah, tough luck :(
I've fallen behind socially ( which was inevitable) and struggle a lot with making friends and getting girls even though i'm above average looks wise (tall, fit, well groomed).
My academic performance is satisfactory despite my adhd so no issues there (not on any medication)

I've been trying to get better at social situations by pursuing interactions over the past 2 semesters with very little success to be honest. (managed to make a new friend who is now in the army which means he can't hang out with me. Also managed to lose my Virginity. The girl really liked me at first as we had good chemistry since she was somewhat quirky too, and we were dating for 4 months ,but i eventually turned her off and she lost interest in pursuing a relationship although she said she was going for that . ( due to my inexperience and quirkiness i guess). She had quite a lot of dating experience at 21,(bit on the promiscuous,casual side) so she expected me to know a lot more stuff. She didn't really reject me or say she does not want a relationship, but i did notice the gradual decline in effort on her part until she ghosted me.
( I will be running into her for sure during the upcoming fall semester and this will be really akward...)
Still, i was able to learn many useful things on the fly, such as all sorts of touching and other dating related stuff which made me act relatively normal with her, so i try not to be too harsh on myself as i had very little prior experience.
Most people i meet end up as casual acquaintances who don't have interest in getting to know me more or spend time with me to pursue a friendship/ relationship. ( this sucks cuz idk what im doing wrong as i am friendly, manage to keep the conversation going, and try to get to know them) I guess i come off as awkward; people silently reject me and that hurts :(
I'm grateful at least i have one good friend from highschool with whom i share a few hobbies and hang out with occasionally.
I'm not really into drinking and partying.
My hobbies are driving cars and motorcycles, PCs, going to the gym, going out for all sorts of adventures so its not like people cant relate to them. ( i used to do many of these solo, but lately getting bored of doing them alone, just want some company to do fun stuff with)
TLDR;
The point of this post isn't to play the victim card or make you feel bad for me as i know for a fact others have it way worse than me.
I would just like to receive some personal advice with what has worked for you to get better at social interactions (friends / dating) in order to approach and meet some more people who like me and enjoy my last couple college years by going out and doing some dating. (by the way i don't live on campus, but i'll be there everyday during the upcoming fall semester)
This is the first time i open up about my struggles. (i know, unhealthy...)
Feel free to ask anything else you wanna know about me.
I also look forward to hearing about your life stories / experiences / struggles too!
Adhd, aspergers and no father is definitely a recipe for disaster lol.
I keep thinking of all the wasted potential...
Thanks for your time, Artemis. 8)



Fnord
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10 Jul 2023, 6:52 pm

Are you in college to earn a degree or to make friends?

Choosing one often leads to the exclusion of the other.


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DanielW
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10 Jul 2023, 7:15 pm

I was working too hard to get my degree to socialize in college. Having no real support or accommodations, it took everything I had to graduate...never mind anything else.



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10 Jul 2023, 7:48 pm

I think one can do well at college and also have some friends. I found college and especially graduate school were the places I made a few good friends. Not talking about parties and drinking. Talking about art and foreign film viewing, concerts, interesting discussions.

I don’t have much advice though, except pick the kind of activities you like and meet some like-minded people to start.

I think you are off to a good start.


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11 Jul 2023, 5:47 am

I have no advice, I was probably the lowest I've ever been at college and crashed out in my third year. I'm sure it's possible to do it better with ASD. At the time I had no idea what was 'wrong' with me, I wasn't mature enough to be there. I think it might have been easier, had I known that it wasn't just because I was crap socially. You know yourself much better than I did, so that should help.

Do you live at home? I'd say probably stick with that. I was at home for my first year, then I moved in with people in my second year which I couldn't stand and then, because I couldn't go back home, I lived alone in my third year. I trashed my own safety net, basically and that made everything harder.

^^That said, living alone forced me to get a job and those were the best times I had at college. The people I worked with were a bunch of oddballs too, and it's one of the few times in my life I've felt accepted and liked without having to act. I should have kicked school and just worked there full-time for 3 years!

So I guess I'm just saying go easy on yourself. Don't let your difficulties socially become too much of a drag on your self-esteem because that's a vicious circle. If you don't like drinking and partying, don't bother forcing yourself to try in order to fit in, it'll just make you sad. Put up a flag, try to find the other people who this stuff doesn't come easy to, they're probably around but just under the radar.

Hope it all works out for you.


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_Artemis_
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13 Jul 2023, 4:38 pm

blazingstar wrote:
I think one can do well at college and also have some friends. I found college and especially graduate school were the places I made a few good friends. Not talking about parties and drinking. Talking about art and foreign film viewing, concerts, interesting discussions.

I don’t have much advice though, except pick the kind of activities you like and meet some like-minded people to start.

I think you are off to a good start.


I don't really engage in a lot of activities in college apart from going to the gym. So i guess my best bet is to approach people in the gym or in my classes and hopefully find some that we have common interests with. However, i'm pretty akward when first meeting/ approaching people and feel like some are not interested in talking to me when i initiate a conversation.



_Artemis_
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13 Jul 2023, 5:01 pm

DuckHairback wrote:
I have no advice, I was probably the lowest I've ever been at college and crashed out in my third year. I'm sure it's possible to do it better with ASD. At the time I had no idea what was 'wrong' with me, I wasn't mature enough to be there. I think it might have been easier, had I known that it wasn't just because I was crap socially. You know yourself much better than I did, so that should help.

Do you live at home? I'd say probably stick with that. I was at home for my first year, then I moved in with people in my second year which I couldn't stand and then, because I couldn't go back home, I lived alone in my third year. I trashed my own safety net, basically and that made everything harder.

^^That said, living alone forced me to get a job and those were the best times I had at college. The people I worked with were a bunch of oddballs too, and it's one of the few times in my life I've felt accepted and liked without having to act. I should have kicked school and just worked there full-time for 3 years!

So I guess I'm just saying go easy on yourself. Don't let your difficulties socially become too much of a drag on your self-esteem because that's a vicious circle. If you don't like drinking and partying, don't bother forcing yourself to try in order to fit in, it'll just make you sad. Put up a flag, try to find the other people who this stuff doesn't come easy to, they're probably around but just under the radar.

Hope it all works out for you.


It's definitely a blessing when you find a group that accepts you. Are social struggles the reason you quit college, or did you also not like the degree you were going for?
I do live at home as the Campus is like a 50 minute drive so no issues there. I feel like being self aware is a double edged sword because even though i know the cause for the struggles, I still suffer the consequences and feel unable to do much to help it.
As for meeting people with similar struggles i guess that would be a good idea, but i would have to approach them first, which i don't mind doing, but i'm bad at it and will have a few fails before getting at least decent doing that. Also how would i be able to distinguish between uninterested and shy people (during discussions)? They both seem aloof to me, especially when first meeting/ getting to know them.
I hope your life is better now at least !



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25 Jul 2023, 8:31 am

Do colleges in Greece have formally organized student clubs? If so, and if you have not done this already, obtain a list of the student clubs and see if you can find one or two that look interesting to you.


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Rainbow_Belle
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05 Aug 2023, 5:32 am

I have never had any friends. My Autism makes me fail in social situations. People do not like Autistic people unless they have something to offer. I have Autism and have no friends.



aviandivine
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08 Sep 2023, 10:28 am

I'm 21 in school right now and I definitely feel this emotion you're describing. The thing that has worked the most for me has been doing what I enjoy and finding friends as a result. I don't push myself to do anything more than I can handle, I simply engage in my hobbies and speak up in class when I feel like it and you will meet likeminded individuals. It was hard for me, as I'm sure it was for you, to do this during covid but things are letting up and everyone is interested in making friends. This is the thing about school is that even non-autistic people have to get out of their comfort zones and make new friends. You're not alone. Keep doing what you're doing, you said you made a friend and had some romantic experience, you're already doing great! Good luck out there, friend :)


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08 Sep 2023, 11:14 am

I did most of my bachelor's degree via distance learning, with an online university (in the UK, there is a legitimate, big one which I shall not name for anonymity purposes, versus, say, the US, with some of its 'degree mill' online universities).

So I managed to avoid people whilst achieving an undergraduate business degree, apart from my final 'top up year' that I did in person, elsewhere.

If you are specifically trying to make friends whilst at college, I would say be kind to yourself if you do get socially rejected, which may well happen as an autistic/neurodiverse person.

I don't generally tend to bother in trying to befriend NT's. I much prefer to have neurodiverse friends, as I feel more at ease with neurodiverse folk.



_Artemis_
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16 Sep 2023, 12:56 pm

aviandivine wrote:
I'm 21 in school right now and I definitely feel this emotion you're describing. The thing that has worked the most for me has been doing what I enjoy and finding friends as a result. I don't push myself to do anything more than I can handle, I simply engage in my hobbies and speak up in class when I feel like it and you will meet likeminded individuals. It was hard for me, as I'm sure it was for you, to do this during covid but things are letting up and everyone is interested in making friends. This is the thing about school is that even non-autistic people have to get out of their comfort zones and make new friends. You're not alone. Keep doing what you're doing, you said you made a friend and had some romantic experience, you're already doing great! Good luck out there, friend :)

Good luck to you too!!