Why do I hide?

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For most of my life, I hid because I did not understand the NT world where my actions were met with the back of a hand. Now, I hide because the sting from the slap makes sense.

So how did I get here? About twenty years ago, I realized that something was missing in me. I did not know what it was. There is a line in Tolstoy's Anna Karenina by the character Levin. "They are dancing to music I can not hear." He meant something different. Still, it hit me hard.

Slowly, my skills at recognizing, understanding, and reacting to emotions in myself and others improved. There were moments when I understood. It shocked me. Painful memories that were never well processed came flooding back, demanding attention and needing emotional resolution. I felt overwhelmed. All those strange painful things inside me were emotions I refused to recognize.

The more I worked at it, the more music broke through. Then came empathy or the lack of it. How do others react to me? Why do they treat me like a jerk? Because I did not understand their emotional response to my actions like your average NT. So, they assumed my actions were intentionally hurtful. I can not undo the hurt I caused, nor can they.

There was no light going on or off. It is more like a blurry image gaining a little focus. I will be 66 years old soon. This lesson came late. I owe the members of this community a big thank you.

Please be kind, this is still a work in progress.

I hid a lot when I was in high school. I didn't know who to trust and who not to trust.

I hid in a different way behind a Union Jack for 30 years so people would accept me.

I can relate.

I don't know WTF was wrong with my parents. The school I attended in the late 70's called in a 'specialist' because of what I eventually found out: I was Autistic. When I was 6 years old, it was not widely known.

Of course they 'doctor shopped' until they found someone who offered an opinion they could live with.

My parents kept moving. I changed schools 8 times before year 12. With every new school there was new bullying and exclusion for the new kid. Nowadays this is considered 'child abuse' by child protection authorities, and I understand why.

Of course I minimised myself to fly under the radar as much as possible.

My parents were born before WWII and grew up around Swindon in England, and saw a lot of death and destruction. From what I was told, my family history is heavily peppered with 'gifted' people who had severe social difficulties. Of course they were mostly farmers, so socialising wasn't really much of a priority.

I am told that my great grandfather (mother's side) was so good at playing piano that he was recruited by the London Philharmonic Orchestra but was kicked out because he turned up drunk, among other high achieving opportunities where he did the same.

My grandfather (mothers side again) was also a brilliant man, building things such as clocks and innovative farm implements (some designs were allegedly stolen by Massey Ferguson apparently) but he ended his life at the age of 55, gassing himself in his truck with an elaborate pipe fashioned from sheetmetal that went from the exhaust pipe to the window, which must have taken months to build and fitted perfectly.

Hence, I understand why my mother may have believed the 'stiff upper lip' approach - to not acknowledge one's feelings - may have worked for her. However, it did untold damage to her children, especially combined with the fact that Autism runs in the family.

Of course hindsight is 20/20 and I have realised all of this since the 'defining' of my own children as Autistic, which led me to getting defined myself.

Of course I went through a period of anger and depression but I think I am doing better now because I now know it is okay to acknowledge these feelings that have been suppressed for so long.

Children do not ask to be born and it is the responsibility of the parent to do their best for their child. I realise, at the time, the way I was raised was 'acceptable'. With what I have learned from my past, my Autistic children have been raised a lot better than I was.

Overall I realised NONE OF IT IS MY FAULT.

The best emotion you need to develop and explore right now is compassion - for yourself.

I am a work in progress too. I will probably self medicate too much again today. Sometimes I get completely wasted on home brew beer and finish the job with straight Jack Daniels but it hasn't killed me yet, right? I dare you to tell me that SSRIs are better

Live long and prosper my friend

@Cataclysmic Psychlone, I needed to read your post a few times to understand. Thank you for the advice on finding compassion and forgiveness for myself. It is difficult. I am very tired of beating myself up over every stupid thing I did. Self-medication, weed, can only do so much. I am hoping that time will heal this wound and I will be stronger.

yes, what a relief to see everything from the perspective of autism diagnosis. Learning that everything was not after all, "all my fault" meant I was able to give myself credit for surviving all those years of pain and turmoil and to finally understand how autism worked behind the scenes without anybody knowing or understanding. What a relief!! !! best of all was to learn that there were others out there with similar experiences and who would understand. <3 Diagnosed at age 68 and life keeps getting better now I know!

@autisticelders Your description of Autistic Perseveration was a kick in the head. Thank you, I am getting closer to passing the Duck Test, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck. I am a duck? I believe so.