no desire to do anything

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Outside of work, have not done anything productive, or even much of anything @ all, for a couple of years.

41, single, zero children, no car
minimum wage, part time, dead end, unskilled dumpster fire "job"
FTM
autistic
clinically depressed
anxiety disorder
no $$$

too tired all the time. usually on days off, sleep and wake up the same time as workdays, but 3 hours after waking up, take an hour nap. breakfast, bowel movement, stretch, bowel movement, nap, bowel movement. go to the library, bowel movement. grocery shopping, lunch. internet. laundry, gardening, bowel movement, internet, book, dishes, chores. dinner. bowel movement.

feel lonely and left out, but do not wanna have to put up w/annoying lil dipshits squeaking "huh" and "what", like they are the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me". afraid of dogs. (a disaster waiting to keep happening). not good @ anything. do not enjoy anything.

nothing and nobody seem worth the energy they take.

dissociated and detached

brain getting much slower.

stay home too often. but no $$ or "friends" to go out with, and no car to go out with.

do not know how to cook.

I feel this way a lot. I just want to stay home in my tiny apartment and be alone with my family even though I know I make their lives worse. My poor wife - I secretly cry nightly about my behavior and my constant need for her to affirm her love for me.

I know I am not were I should be for a man approaching his 30s - I’m still a child in many ways though I do not enjoy childish things.

I really have no hobbies other than watching black and white movies (modern color films are far too overstimulating for me with their constant camera angle changes and characters with such strong personalities) and listening to music.

I just want to snuggle up with a blanket all day. I hate the character I have to play in public. I love the quiet, I love secluded places, I love poetry, I love trees, I love it when people whisper to me - it makes me feel safe.

I hate that people do not understand me and that I’m expected to understand them.

I feel like I’m tired all the time and my nervous system is on fire 24/7. Loud noises are like sharp needles in my brain.

Does anyone relate? Does anyone else feel like no one knows how detached and removed you are?

Generally people like me, they think I’m clever and funny, cool and tasteful- yet I desire nothing but to be away from them.

I learned to cope and fit in too well as a kid and as a result, now that I’m an adult, everyone has a false perception of me. I’m not the funny, hip, “chill” guy I’m accused of being - I’m alone and lost in my mind.

If I could do it all over again I would check myself into a medical facility and forget the world.

I'd be a bit concerned if I was having a bowel movement every second hour of the day

This sounds like autistic burnout, depression or both.

It sounds grim whatever it is

I would be suspicious of those bowel movements.

I hope that will help to give you some relief. At least it will be one thing sorted