The 1st Question We Should Be Asking Long-Term Single Member

Post Reply New Topic

We're on an autism forum that comprises of members from many different walks of life, and occupying many different places on the spectrum.

Autism is a disorder that innately hinders social functioning as a result of the way the brain is wired.

We're living in a time where the rules of dating and gender relations have radically changed relatively quickly.

Many people nowadays are growing up in homes with single or separated parents who simply don't have the knowledge to impart about how to be successful with dating. Where is an autistic boy with a single mother who doesn't date, and no other family members investing in their upbringing, supposed to learn dating skills from? Someone in this position could go throughout their life never receiving guidance on matters like dating and even general socialising from any kind of knowledgeable party. That's exactly what happened to me.

In my view, the first comment being made to long-term single posters here shouldn't be about looking at themselves in the mirror and picking themselves apart as if they deserve the predicament they're in, or how they simply need to improve their standing in life. It is much more likely that people in this position on an autism forum are having difficulties with establishing connections and social skills. This is especially the case in such a technologically robust period that enables all manners of asocial escapism.

It is better to handle these kinds of posters by gauging their level of social engagement with other people, seeing if they're even trying to meet people in the first place and whether they are competent at taking the lead in a conversation with an unfamiliar person.

Having challenges with small talk and taking the lead in establishing a connection with a new acquaintance is probably a more major stumbling block than anything else for many of us having these kinds of difficulties, and yet it somehow seems to evade perception all too often, despite the nature of the condition we all have.

I had a stroke 25 years ago. I was in a rehab ward for a month learning to walk, write, and talk again.
I can now golf walking the course! Not only that, I can play as a foursome and make some good shots relative to the guys I'm playing with. I just wrote some big checks to repair my house and the contractor noticed how neatly I wrote the check!

But, getting where I am now would have been an unrealistic goal a year or two into stroke recovery.
I could walk, but certainly not on a hilly golf course carrying a bag or pushing a cart up a hill!

Instead, I did Childhood 2.0!
I bought and assembled model rocket kits.
A little different this time in that I figured out why the clever designs didn't work and rebuilt them until they worked as the designer envisioned. I joined a local model rocket club and attended launches, chasing the rockets across farm fields!

Later, I learned how to throw darts, so further refine my motor skills!
I built a huge garden, with plants that bloomed all season. I have a camellia that bloomed on New Year's Day.

A few years ago I was up on a ladder cleaning my gutters when I realized I had enough balance to play golf.
I did some research and found that there were short courses I could play. And that it was acceptable now for anyone to play from the forward tees.

I write all this because dating should not be the goal. Yet it is.
Those on the spectrum need to take small steps, and see where that leads you.
Maybe you won't get far, maybe you will. But make those first steps small.

I’m in a relationship now, but was single for most of my twenties. I get the feeling like I’m 10 years behind my peers, in terms of social and life skills.

I think I wasted much of my time as a young adult just discovering I was on the spectrum and working out how to survive it as an adult. It didn’t help that anyone I tried to talk to about it was sceptical about my having autism, it really set me back a lot.

My attempts at dating didn’t really work because I didn’t really have a clue who I was as a person, and why some things caused me so much difficulty. It’s only after I really came to terms with who I am that things started working better.

You make a great point.

That said I think the reasoning behind the typical advice given on here about imporoving in other areas is that those areas might could help compensate for our poor social skills. Some of us like me will have bad social skills no matter how much we try. Improving our lives in other areas might be more realistic for some of us. I find it very frustating to keep working on trying to improve my weaknesses when I keep making very little if any progress. Sometimes it's a lot better for me to accept that I will always have some major weaknesses & to find ways I can work within my limitations. For example I communicate better online than in person with strangers & mere acquaintances. Trying to start a relationship offline never worked for me but I managed to get three girlfriends online & I relocated to be with my current. Lots of typical advice never worked for me. When giving advice I try to cater it for the person I'm giving it to instead of giving standard general advice.

I think the advice to autistic men should be the same as to NT men: figure yourself out, have good character and learn how to treat other people courteously and kindly, get to know other people by actually paying attention instead of only thinking about achieving the long term goal of a serious romantic/sexual relationship.

Do fun activities you like, which will help you meet and get to know other people who like the same things you do. The point is to take the time to get to know people. All sorts of people. Not just someone you think you want to be in a relationship with because that's the Life Goal. Women are not objects to be obtained. And being able to enjoy being around at least some people some of the time is a much more important (and attainable) goal anyway.

I agree.

This forum is often the blind leading the blind. It's people on the spectrum with a lack of dating experience and social lives getting advice from other people in the same exact situation.

A lot of the advice on here tends to be superficial things like "get a better job, get more clout", as if human interactions are transcational, and this somehow bypasses the process of going out, overcoming social anxieties and meeting people.