Increasingly certain I'm a girl
I've known for a few years I'm not a man, but I had just considered myself some kind of non-binary for a while. Starting a couple of weeks ago, though, I started thinking of myself as a woman to see how that felt ans WOW that is a LOT of serotonin all of a sudden. It was such a night and day difference in mood it was unreal. It felt like I had been taking cold showers my whole life and I only now figured out how to take hot showers.
At no point in my life did I really want to be perceived as a man. I've always been uncomfortable with my appearance for reasons I could never put my finger on. I used to think I was ugly, but enough attention from the ladies (and men) over the years put those fears to rest. I can be quite handsome if I want. I just don't want to be handsome. Being complimented as handsome makes me feel nothing--being complimented as pretty or feminine makes me giddy.
Starting to grow body and facial hair growing up really bummed me out for reasons I couldn't figure out. For a little while I thought it was just not wanting to grow up, but I figured out pretty fast that wasnt the issue. I tried shaving my body hair as I was trying identifying as a woman and holy hell I feel 10x better shaved.
I never related that much to guys growing up.
On sports teams or just in guy groups, I never truly felt like 'one of the guys' even if the other guys accepted me. I started having much more meaningful friendships when I started hanging around women. I look back on my friendships with guys and most of them make me feel nothing in hindsight. Like I was being friends with guys because I was expected to. Hell, growing up I enjoyed hanging out with my sister's friends more than I liked hanging out with my own guy friends.
I'm also realizing from all of this that being perceived as a man was part of why my romantic relationships felt empty. I always felt like I would be an inadequate boyfriend but I didn't know why. Even if I'm handsome, kind, supportive, funny, smart, and enjoyable to be around, I still feel like a sham. Until recently, I felt really jaded about romance. I couldn't feel or accept love properly and didn't know why and it made me just so hopeless for ever having a meaningful relationship. I would see a couple and think to myself: "Too bad romance serves no purpose and has never benefitted anyone". I know objectively this is very false, but subjectively it's hard to think anything else. Yet once I started thinking of myself as a woman, and thinking that I could be seen as a girlfriend and not a boyfriend, suddenly im so happy and excited and really want to put myself back out there. It's like a romantic partner seeing me as a man never really saw me how I wanted to be seen.
And lastly, all this had made me think I might also be a lesbian. I've considered myself bi for a while. I think I've been attracted to guys before. I did date a guy once but uh. That relationship was a disaster for so many reasons that had nothing to do with gender so it's hard to accept that as a good example. Even when I'm open to the idea of liking guys and dating guys, guys never grabbed my attention the same way girls do. I'll notice 99 girls I like before I notice 1 guy I like. Even so, I've never had a crush on a guy close to me that didn't feel forced in some way. And this has only been magnified since I started thinking of myself as a woman. All my attraction has been girls girls girls and no interest in guys. Before all this, I always kind of envied lesbians or women loving women in general. It wasn't that I thought hetero couples or gay male couple were less valid or meaningful. They just didn't seem appealing to me. With respect to even fictional relationships, I much much much preferred shipping women together with each other than I cared about shipping men with anyone at all. It got to the point that I would occasionally cry from the thought that I would never be with a woman as a woman. I do think the tipping point for me trying to identify as a woman instead of just generic non-binary or a gender or whatever, was me realizing that a girl asking me to be her girlfriend would just make me so, so happy.
I try to be skeptical and not jump into things. Gender is a process of self-discovery and I know to be open to changes in how I see myself. But hahaha. Since thinking of myself as a woman and starting to transition it's like my depression is cut in half. Is this what it feels like to not feel hopeless and alone all the time? Is this what it's like to feel desirable? Is this what it's like to be truly excited about romance and dating?
I'm just sad I didn't try any of this years ago... I was never going to be able to do this while I was still living with my abusive transphobic ex girlfriend. Joke's on her! I'm gonna be pretty as hell and she is going to get bled dry in divorce court by her disabled trans husband whom she abandoned!
Sorry that was long. It's been a very eventful couple weeks. Just been. Feeling really good. If you'd asked me a month ago, I never would have believed I could feel this good.
_________________
Diagnoses: AS, Depression, General & Social Anxiety
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
- Brian Wilson
Δυνατὰ δὲ οἱ προύχοντες πράσσουσι καὶ οἱ ἀσθενεῖς ξυγχωροῦσιν.
Those with power do what their power permits, and the weak can only acquiesce.
- Thucydides
Transition can be a long process. It is a good idea to set long term goals. What would you like to do for a living after you transition. Where would you like to live? There are places in the USA that are quite accepting of girls that have transitioned or are in the process of transitioning. Some folks plan on moving to start a fresh new life.
I know I have a long road ahead of me but I already feel so much better with just the first few steps. This week for example I'm going to go clothes shopping. Wearing male or gender neutral clothing is starting to feel not great. I'm gonna get me some skirts and dresses and such. I've already talked a bit to my therapist about all this. I'd like to get on estrogen sooner rather than later, but I don't want to rush into things without thinking. I haven't come out to any of my family. (Dreading that). I have two trans siblings (idr their specific self-ID's) who will obviously be extremely supportive. My brother and mom will also be supportive, if a bit awkward about it. My dad is the only one I'm sort of worried about. If you ask him point blank he will tell you he has no issue with trans people. He can just be insensitive about these things. He will also probably be bothered that he's "losing a son" or something. I'm not worried he'll be angry or nasty, mostly just worried he'll pout and maybe get surly now and then. That's his problem. My happiness is more important than satisfying his petty selfish desires.
I didn't know what to do with myself career-wise before this and I still dont. I have considered going back to school for my masters or something for a while, but didn't have thr confidence/time/money. Hopefully when I've adjusted more I'll have the confidence to do that.
I'm not opposed to staying living where I am now. I am in a red state, but it's a deep blue college town I'm in. I also work at that college, and it is by far the most trans-friendly workplace I've had.
Most of my family also lives in Indiana, and I'd rather not be too far from them.
_________________
Diagnoses: AS, Depression, General & Social Anxiety
I guess I just wasn't made for these times.
- Brian Wilson
Δυνατὰ δὲ οἱ προύχοντες πράσσουσι καὶ οἱ ἀσθενεῖς ξυγχωροῦσιν.
Those with power do what their power permits, and the weak can only acquiesce.
- Thucydides
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